Curvy in all of her femininity
Face was a smooth-skinned, coffee-hued canvas
That was painted with Two-Lips that Blossomed full
No lipstick, no make-up, she was organic
Her cat-like eyes fashioned a hazel tone
They sang a song that stole me into a trance
Her gorgeously blue dress danced to the rhythm of her mean walk
It hugged her like a long lost relative
Revealing the outline of her Victoria Secrets
Booty like a Chocolate Peach
Arched into a small waist, abs engraved
Slim torso that seated her medium-sized breasts
She was 5 feet 2 inches of goodness, 135 pounds of gorgeous
And an immeasurable amount of mystery
Artistically designed with symmetrical harmony throughout
Aroused me to the point of my eyes bulging as much as my jeans
I could hear the libido of this lioness growling
Enchanting me with an armor-penetrating stare
Our gravity was intense
We were swallowed in an unspoken dialogue of audible lust
A delicious grin was hibernated on her chin
My curiosity developed an enormous appetite
Grumbling…” How would her skin feel against mine?”
“How does she sound when aroused, and how loud?”
“How tight is it? How warm is she?”
“I wonder if she loves to cuddle”
Thirsty for answers, I chuckle
The silence was so fragile
It was broken with a soft “mnnn” when she slowly approached me
And openly complimented my Black Halo
Bashful, was I, fueled with glee
Requested my name, and I gave
Requested for hers, she replied “Angel…”
“Angel in a blue dress…knowing that you’re fly”
Modesty filled her face
Damn! I just wanted to cuff her waist
And run my lips into hers like a Linebacker’s Tackle
Whoa! My imagination slowed down, and reality caught up
Still, we thrust seductive gazes into each other’s eyes
Asked if I was single – “yes”
Boomeranged the same question – “indeed, I am”
She was atypical; pocketing a distinct sass appeal
….but there was a blend of serenity in her aura
“Well, look, I don’t wanna waste any more time”
“I wanna get to know you….I feel like we’ve met before, you know what I mean?”
I concur with a head nod
“So, I think it would be appropriate if we meet this evening”
Reached for the phone, surrendered my digits, and captured hers
Supplied a sly glance in between numbers
“Call me around 8”
Eyes said the longest good-bye that I’ve never heard
Heaven-sent and Earth-guided, she walked away
But she saved the last glance for when she reached the exit
Flashed an alluring grin, and became eclipsed by the walls and the passersby
And I sigh, smiling…shaking my head
A gift of love…from another place in time
Will always travel far to find….us
It seems that I’m losing my momentum….again. I’ve spoken to my son’s mother just to gain some insight on their situation. The pressure increases, and I’m reminded of the impact my financial contributions have made over the years. Suffering in close proximity with the family is a guilty privilege, it seems. I’m reminded of all the times I served in the Army. I joined for many reasons, but serving my country was never one of them. I always felt like I was serving my family and my future. My 2.9 year marathon in Kuwait was a continuation of that ideal. And I always wondered where my money vanished to after all of those years. Being home, I sense it all now. I have more to show for it than I can truly appreciate. Despite how I feel these days (and how unwilling I am to speak on it), I value how unique my story is with all of its tragedies and triumphs. Small mishaps sting me emotionally, making me slightly irate, silent, and recluse. And through it all, I discover moments in the form of gems that inspire a little laughter…and a few seconds of smiling. The anxiety feels like carpet burns within me as I ask “am I waiting or am I being waited on?”
My minute contribution to my son’s mother has been a building block that has led to the collapse of her household. I felt helpless as she steamed her sorrows via telephone; but I felt blessed being able to even hold a civil dialogue saturated with sincere character. We had a rough beginning when I married Angie instead of her. It may seem like a b!tch move to some, but my intentions weren’t to marry Reka in the beginning. It was a summer love. We enjoyed each other’s presence during our military service. It was the equivalent to the college experience, but more intense. There was still a lot of about ourselves that we didn’t know about. With her, I learned how women (and men) can mistake forevership with youthful love. I’ll one day be able to reiterate to my son that I loved his mother back then, and I still love her now despite how I abandoned her. It seems now that she’s circling through a similar situation with her current partner. They’re the guardians of a newborn, yet their relationship is staggering like a drunk in a dark alley. One of the biggest gripes that her partner jabbed in her face was her lack of discipline in housekeeping. It was one of the reasons why I knew I wasn’t going to marry her. I’ll fuck a woman, no issue; but if she can’t maintain a clean house (finger waves) she’s getting the d!ck and a little love for a few months, but she’s not getting a contract. Why was she shocked that I knew that her renewed cleaning habits would only last for a few days? She’s grown in some ways, but her cleaning habits are about as constant as night and day.
But I’m digressing here….
She leaked how the rent was partially paid with the electric bill mirroring a likeness. Ironically, she could build a house out the debt she’s accrued. Dre has a lot of pressure on his back and shoulders as the provider; I once alleviated some of that pressure. We had a mutual understanding too; and it was comforting to know that we weren’t alone in supporting her and the kids. These days, there’s a haunting sense of inadequacy that whirls within me. I can imagine that he feels the same. The expenses outnumber the revenue like a genocidal war. And the kids are innocent civilians. The weather has been fitting for the theme – it’s been gloomy and wet. However, we intuitively know that a luminous hope still lurks beyond the depressing weather – we just need to allow it to pass like any emotion.
I didn’t exercise today. I could’ve seized the opportunity, especially since I slept 2 hours earlier than usual. I felt lazy, and I didn’t eat breakfast. But, I felt a spurt of energy from Reka’s text message which said “Just want u to know that our son is a great reader. He has read my daily quotes to me and [the] rest of the family” Blessing counted; it’s definitely worth smiling about.
Sometimes, I wonder what life would’ve been like if Reka would’ve remained enlisted in the Army; at least till the completion of her obligation. I really hope that she is able to summon a job into her life; additionally, I hope that she’s able to afford daycare for her newborn. But hope is such a mystery. There was a scene on X-Men 2 about anger and faith that latched on to me today as I left with my mom to grocery shop.
Nightcrawler: Someone so beautiful should not be so angry.
Storm: Sometimes anger can help you survive.
Nightcrawler: So can faith
I paint that idea the color of intriguing because there’s some truth to what he said. Consuming faith from a possibility does yield a desirable fruit, at times. Is this wave of experience all a test of faith? The religionist would easily say yes. And I’m inclined to concur. I’m just so eager to get back to the point where I was reading books and philosophizing about life with my head in the clouds, and my third eye extending towards the universe. Instead, my focus is on wrestling with these daily strongholds. I had space to do that with all the financial weights being lifted. I’m not complaining, but it’s definitely not exciting period.
Today, my mother, Donte, and I journeyed to Talecris Plasma Center in Albany in an attempt to make a little money. I guess it would’ve been more convenient to call first, and gain some intel on the status of the institution. We arrived around noon only to leave as soon as we walked in. The place was smothered with stoic faces whom were eager to exchange their life-force for money. For some, this was a legit part-time job. However, the trip wasn’t born in vanity. Mom salvaged our efforts by suggesting a visit to Patrick’s house to show a little love. It was a warm visit, and it compensated for the feeling of being unaccomplished. We spoke about a lot, and even joked about my mother dating a white guy; yet in the fabric of seriousness, I advised her that she needs to consider the pond she is fishing in. Personally, as much as I admire the women here in the south, I’ve rarely come across any that really grasp my attention for marriage. Yes, there is some hint of generalization in this statement, but it’s based on personal experience. What I have learned about prejudice is that instead of me getting upset about someone’s prejudice, it’s more profitable to be the difference and allow the effects to alter it. For now, mom and I have agreed to yield safe friendships while in this pond…..
…it’s good to know that we’re saving for the same flight into other ponds though…
Kita and the nephews also voyaged from the house today with Titi. It seems that their support system is profitable. Kita is becoming a little more organized, and she’s learning a lot from her sister. It’s great to see these young women nourishing and educating each other during these struggles. For the Capitalist, life is a race. Who will seize the opportunity first? For the consumer, life is a marathon. How much stamina do you have? Jaiden is developing fairly well, and Amari is also despite his physical limitations. I’ve really summoned some patience with Jaiden. At times I tend to relapse, but I balance myself as I recall that he’s still learning, and repetition harvests results. He seems to be enjoying the toys that I bought him (thanks to Comfort, who supplied me the funds – what a woman!). And I’ve noticed that he’s been crying A LOT LESS these past few weeks. I guess all of that time spent with him is really effective. Getting him these toys really boosted his spirits too. He’s been speaking better, and displaying his intelligence significantly. Aside from that, I think it’s a terribly wonderful thing that he still reserves faith in his father. The family preserves his innocence ignorantly by allowing him to perceive his father in a heroic hue. I don’t know who’s more fortunate, Jaiden, or his father; because his father surely doesn’t know how much his son truly admires him. I can’t camouflage my feelings of being touched by his love for his father. He doesn’t know of the demons that shackle his father in servitude. And right now, adding that ingredient to this young one’s perception…..is irrelevant.
My introductory class has been streaming along smoothly, and there’s no need for me to elaborate. The first entrée will approach in a couple of weeks. And my fast from Facebook has been successful as I realize how much it has affected my focus and my mannerisms now that I’m living without it. And I’ve been writing more lyrics lately too. My TranscenDance mixtape didn’t receive the marketing attention that I wished for it. I’m working on another project just because. There’s going to be few expectations for this one, and it definitely won’t be for everyone to listen to. And really, I don’t give a fuck.
Although I broke the handle on the bathroom sink, I did enjoy movie time with my mom and my brother Monte (for the 30 minutes that he stayed) as we were sucked into Pains and Gains. It was an effective medicine to dissolve the symptoms of worry and anxiety even for a short while. And as the movie ended, the symptoms began surfacing slowly as reality settled into my conscience. Above all, I’m still waiting on a response for this truck driving path. It’s becoming intolerable to be here in this experience, knowing that there’s more beyond this veil.
But I say things like this when I’m sweltering in my emotions….and this is why I stay in my shell. Saying how I feel can be an irrational event…(shrugs)….and in my stride for better days, Hip Hop carried me to the words below…..she is one that hardly ever disappoints. So reliable. So trustworthy. It’s no wonder why I married her….the things she makes me say…. (sighs)
Showered in the sunshine, dried off in the shade
Spring gave birth to a hot summer day
…..Fresh air, long walk, short stride
Exercise my body as I calm my mind
Yea, peace in, peace out
Increase the hope, decrease the doubt
The aroma of forgiveness in the atmosphere
…..All love, no fear
My little brother got a new day job
Politics and religion took a day off
War didn’t get Paid, so it Quit
I got a Wealth of Health and Donated a Gang of Blood to a Crip
….And I’m feeling more clever
Ever so strong, but I’m stronger than Ever
At least for today, running with me is my imagination
These are my vibrations
……..Will finish soon….
“Ok babe, I’m headed out the door”
She planted a loose kiss on my cheek
And a dry “I love you” jutted from her lips
Smooth Criminal, she was; and I almost let her get away with it too
“Whoa! Hold up…say, it again”
“Huh? ….Say what?”
“Tell me you love me…..slower”
She fashioned a frustrated lip curl as tension melted into her eyebrows
I smile….”I’m listening”
Vigorously, she unloads “I….love…..youuuuuu, Jooooooohn”
“No, no, no….you gotta come closer and say it”
“John! What are you doing?! I have to go!”
I walked to her
Reaching to possess her hips, which were cloaked in her baby blue dress
Mmmnnnn…I love it when she wears dresses
Especially when there’s a thong buried innocently beneath
I massage my way into cupping her ass
Flashing assured eyes, and a confident smirk
Her eyes blazed wider as she felt the spark of inspiration
…..She feels the hint of sex in the air
Low-toned and blasé, she chuckles “I love you”
My hands were the silkiest electric currents surging through back
As I sunk my face closer into hers
We paused…..our eyes stole each other
And as my lips reached in for a comforting hug
Air bolted from her nose as if there were fire within
“mmmnnnn….” Kiss*….kiss* “mmnnnnn….Joooooohn”, she muffled
My palms glide up her dress
Silky smooth thighs that pay tribute to her robust apple bottom
I revolved her with snap-action force
Pitching her dress to rest on her lower back
“mmnnnn……babe….we…..mmmn….hurry up and put it in”
I reach in, and joust out my pulsating shaft with one hand
While pulling her emerald thong over to the right with the other
The tip of my pink helmet began to wiggle between the rims of her pussy
It felt as if she were sucking it in…sluggishly… forcefully…
Her rosy tunnel clinched on…caving in as I lunge through
Her knees unbuckled into a slender tremor
Our pace: slow and steady
Each stroke was sponsored with increasing intensity
I was swelling up inside her….
Ugh! She was sooooo wet…..
I dip all the way in, and yank all the way out
Her silk-like, shadowy hair draped to the left side of her face
As her neck sagged into submission to the deep, animated rhythm
In which our bodies rocked
Sweat beads decorated my face, and her upper back
My eyes open…..deep breath
I laid in the bed on my stomach…frozen-still
Recollecting fragments of the dream
Interpreting the events that preceded it
And then my face crawls into my palms as I shake my head thinking
“Damn….the one that got away….sighs…I never told her how I felt”
“Could she have been….the one?”
My imagination churns in my mind with what-ifs
….like a glass of wine as it’s swirled
Is it so childish to imagine what life would be like if I was the inspiration
That moved her….to say…. “I love you, John”? I wrote her today
…and told her how I felt, careless of what the consequence was
It’s amazing how we can find happiness in being reckless and daring
Today was a great exhibition of family time. Samario was our guest, and was considered an honorary family member. My mother always supplied hints about his character; stating “Eric, he reminds me so much of you. I’m telling you! You two would get along great!” My level of astonishment is for how well my mother knows me is unquestionably high. Some people have an expectation of mothers not realizing that not all women are passionate about this state of being. Speaking to Samario was a mirror match minus the combat action. We cradled the same ideals and personality traits, and yet, here is our first interaction! I saw so much of myself in him. The chemistry was a sign of cohesion. It was all love. There was a mutual acceptance of all energies; the atmosphere embodied a small pond positivity.
We began the symbiosis with some palm reading. My little brother jested at me for asking if I can read Samorio’s palm. It was the 2nd thing that spilled from my mouth when I spoke to him. I pride myself in knowing that I’m one of the few people in the entire world who can greet someone by saying “hi…um…can I read you palm?” After calling off his attributes, we hopped in a rabbit hole of dialogue. He confirmed a lot of my readings. He figured that since my mother spoke about him that most of my readings were founded from what she said about him. This was a fair assumption, of course. His palm revealed to me that he would stop working before 35, and that he loves autonomy, solitude, and inner peace. Later on in our dialogue (while speaking about Capitalism and the government regime) he announced his ambitions of retiring by 30 in an isolated location (an island of some sort). He confirmed much more of my readings, which vitalized some satisfaction within me. The meeting that we inherited is not an offspring of chance or luck; and we both knew this. My mother’s energy and his we’re of a matching signature – being in the same environment, we were bound to commune together. Indeed this wasn’t a typical interaction.
He carried a familiar contentment in his disposition as we delved into the mysteries of life using film, video game, and book references. Even the way he expressed himself was of a related bearing to mine. We were building our knowledge bases. For me, those are some of the best conversations. Everyone cannot chime in the stuff that I’m truly elevates my interests. Before Samario, there was Theron. I’ve always know Theron through Camp Arifjan’s Poetry Night Crew. He and I knew of each other, but never really got close enough to build with each other. We were assembled through a friend (Taahira), and we instantly bonded. It was perfection! We had a carpool of many interests. He was the one who plugged me into Dr. Malachai York, The Legacy of Black Gods, and Dr. Delbert Blair. It was one of the most enlightening relationships that I’ve come across, and meeting Samario was a resurrection of that enlightenment. We were speaking on subjects of spirituality, secret societies, esoteric sciences, life’s purpose, being different, the relevance of imagination, unearthing hidden potential. The conversation was just full of wonder and depth. We didn’t talk about daily life or other people, but rather the bigger picture as we analyzed pieces of an obscure puzzle. We were on the same flight; especially when he aroused my curiosity with the mention of quantum jumping. It was a fascinating concept that aroused my conscience. The reality that there are many versions of ourselves co-existing in this moment of now is one that’s not foreign to me. For him to speak on it, just confirms how self-conscious and open minded he is. He meditates. He visualizes. He writes… like me. He was dripping with powerful information, and at such a young age (23 yrs old). Samario is clearly a radical thinker with loose grasp on his intuition. We had pages of resemblances in character and vices; it was soothing and exciting at the same time. I’m not implying that we’re clones, but when two souls see alike, the “we” becomes unified as one “eye”. Our rapport was merely a testament of clarity.
We meet people all the throughout this enduring voyage; and if we’re sensitive enough, we become cognizant of the other person’s nature. We sense how their auric field affects ours. Let’s hold this example. A warm-hearted intelligent soul enters a room and sits down next to another of their likeness. They communicate with each other, and it’s an enriching relationship; even if it’s just 10 minutes. One of them leaves. A few minutes later a cold-natured, fairly educated, and uncultured soul sits down. They’re nonresponsive to each other at first. The cold-natured person feels warmer, and develops the impulse to be social while the warm-hearted soul is now repulsed as he responds succinctly. The warm-hearted soul shifts into an irate and stiff disposition. Because these auric energies have blended into an exotic smoothie, these two are no longer the same person they were before their interaction.
So just because you feel better being around a positive spirit, doesn’t imply that the positive spirit feels the same about you; they can change because of you.
Samario introduced to a lot of information that was worthy of researching. He plugged me into a movie called “1984” by George Orwell, which I’ll be watching that today on YouTube. I previewed it, and so far I’m intrigued.
At the conclusion of the day, I had to give my mother a warm, tight hug. Family, friends, dinner, dessert, wine and exotic conversation mixed with laughter = a great present! And it was all authentic. It was just revitalizing. This was just what I needed to take my mind off of the perceived inadequacies in my life. My sister even chanted “Mom! Wow…you know your kids! Eric and him are just alike” This may not be extraordinary to most, but when you meet someone who mirrors you more than alters you, it’s almost like eating a Sensu Bean (for all the DBZ fans out there who feel me). This is not a rendition that opposes opposites, because people of other natures can alter you to the point of expanding your consciousness and compassion for others. It’s a profound appreciation for the simple things.
~Condemn no one, and move away from those whom don’t align with your soul’s purpose. It’s ok to say “no, but thank you” because all of life, every soul, every essence… is a gift. And you are free to receive and refuse these gifts as you are to give and withhold them~
Today, I prayed for my biological father. This is something profound for me because I can’t recall the last time I’ve prayed for him. I stared at his picture….and I prayed for his spiritual health. I prayed that whatever hurt he has within is dissolved, and that he is released from the bondage the separates him from being fully realized. In spite of the video that I watched yesterday on the power of intention, it made sense that I arrive at this destination. I remember when I was afraid to look at my son; and with practice, I familiarized myself with his face. So as my eyes became consumed with the image of my father, I felt a pulse. There was a reach uncurling out of me towards him as if I was a hand opening or a flower blossoming. And it was so sincere that tears pocketed in my eyelids. I didn’t realize how much I cared. Where was this hiding? No….where was I hiding this? No….why was I tossing so much dirt on this sacred emotion?
Thoughts like “he wouldn’t care anyway, so why tell him?” or “what fruit will come out this? It’s not like it’ll fix the past” But then there’s a deeper fear; an unexpected one that sponsors the other thoughts. “Maybe he will care in the best way imaginable”. Afraid of a love that’s long distant, so I erect walls of devaluation, and close myself off. The words: “I love you” is a small vehicle compared to the action that encompasses the energy. My father and I have always concluded our dialogues with “I love you”. And he’s even looked out for me in the past with free plane tickets, so I could vacate home. Heck, he even visited me and my ex-wife when we were in University Place, WA. It was a good reunion. Even his wife has always extended love to me. My interactions with him during my adulthood did not possess the emotional depth as the ones from my childhood…..
……but it’s never too late to mend your relationships….even after death.
At one time, I was asked: how do you wish to see your Sunrise?
And I replied that I wish to see my Sunrise out of the ocean
And after Swimming through the Blue Skies, I wish to see my Sunset in a forest
In the Far East, I wish to see my Sunrise from mountain tops to skyscrapers
Over pyramids, temples, and desert lands
I wish to see my Sunrise out of the illusions of fear
And hover over Piers; not as a sign of arrogance or superiority
But as a sign of hope and joy through ascension
I wish to see my Sunrise no matter what time it is in the world
Peaking out of the thicket of darkness
If I could just see my Sunrise in a way that I couldn’t imagine
I would surely be proud
Yet no matter how I would wish to see my Sunrise
The cosmos, the Cosmic Oneness that we call God
Will assist my Son by creating the perfect environment
So that my Son can be what he was intended to be…
If your curiosity is aroused, I wrote this poem….I asked the question…and I answered it
This is such a fitting opener! Because sometimes you reunite with old friends, family, and lovers, and the buried emotions resurrect as this opener. You can see it in their eyes. You can see it in their body language. It resonates quietly in their voice, as they attempt to camouflage their vulnerability. Have you ever experienced that sort of reunion?
I wanna talk about conditional love. My last blog was about free love – now I wanna talk about love that has limits; it’s righteous because realistically, one cannot exist without the other. Each form of love is a piece of the whole, and I know
that I couldn’t know a limitless love without knowing what a limited love was. I usually try to express the former, but recently, I’ve bit from the fruit of the latter. I started my day with a prophetic note:
You have to inquire: does a person love you for who you are or the things you do/did? The things “you” do cannot exist in “your” absence. Otherwise, they originated elsewhere. Do people love the “source” of the gifts given, or the gifts given? Do you love God orthe things God does for/to you? And how do you prove your claim? The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence but it sure is supportive
A gorgeous Cancerian friend of mine (not you mom…there’s another one) blessed my post with her abundant wisdom. She said:
I’ve come to the conclusion this early in my life that people love me for the things I do or have done. They appreciate the gifts given, but fail to appreciate the source from which it comes from, the heart. I give without expectations. Man…
will almost always disappoint you because so much value is placed on material things and not the source of the giving..I love God because he loves me simply because I exist and acknowledge who he is, total opposite of man…How do I prove my claim, by loving people for who they are beneath the surface, flaws and all…It is hard to justify
a love like this to man because the things that are giving out of love can easily be given by someone with foul intentions..What I do for people can be done by someone else, with or without my existence..I never regret giving. I only regret being vulnerable enough to expect, period..(which I should btw but not based off of what I give but what
I’m worthy of)….I can always walk away from a situation knowing that what I gave was out of pure intentions..They will always be deserving of those things but not always deserving of me 🙂
I completely resonate with this….especially the bold lettering. It was refreshing. Ultimately, this brief
dialogue preceded a dialogue that I had with my ex-wife, which spurred my closing Facebook post of the day, as well:
Socrates said it so simple and brilliantly…”Those who are the hardest to love need it most”. The pain that others inflict on you is very impressionable. Their impact is not always the “footprint in the sand”. Sometimes it’s the “footprint in wet cement”. And after it hardens, it’s very difficult to soften it up, and erase what was done.
And with this foundation of trust, if there are flaws in the hardened cement, a complete reconstruction is preferred. You’d have to destroy and rebuild the foundation. It requires effort and commitment after a proposal has been made. This commitment must be out of desire, not obligation, otherwise it’s not substantial. Hardened cement can be broken, recycled, and reused as a sub-base for a new foundation. Of course, this is a difficult process. And it’s widely accepted that rebuilding “trust” (the “foundation” of all relationships) is difficult, especially for those who lack the resources and the discipline to do it. So far, my ex wife is the hardest for me to love. However, I do love her. I’ll be the most difficult with her because
I was the most vulnerable with her, and when she left me, it was the most devastating blow of abandonment. I’m not implying that she didn’t reciprocate; she provided me with a great marital experience. I’m actually proud that she
remained true to herself, instead of lying to me. But the position that she placed herself in, after our marriage, was further away from the Sun (my Heart) in my Solar System of Love. Today, she’s Pluto.
The first person to break your heart usually receives the most diluted version of pure love. And that’s being
generous! You could be feared; so conditional love is justified, and shouldn’t be judged. I don’t believe (actually I know) that isn’t right or wrong way to love, but there are many ways; hence there are many conditions of love. Love is multifaceted, right? So this infers that love can be expressed within a context; as if there’s a focus. This is a call to appreciate a portion of
the completeness of God. In our case, when someone offers you a portion of themselves, rather their complete selves, it’s a prerequisite that suggests there’s more to come. But can you appreciate the little that’s offered? How dedicated
are you to receiving impartially? We chose the dynamics of our relationships primarily to boost self preservation. I’ve always said the first law of love is to love thyself first always. And when you’re selfish, you’re sometimes “perceived” as the
antagonist because the residue of our selfishness can cause unintentional harm to others. Nina Simone expressed it simply…
“….Oh I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord! Please don’t let me be mis…understood”
I believe everyone has good intentions; they just might not be good for everybody.
In many ways than few, we’re all tolerated. Although we may not be liked, we’re potentially accepted if not
judged. Personally, I may not like certain people, or certain behaviors, or even attributes/characteristics, but, I make an effort to love without expectation. However, there are times where I love WITH an expectation. This is
conditional love. It reminds me of the numerous covenants God had with our Middle Eastern predecessors as referenced in the Torah/Bible/Quran. This type of love is circumstantial. This is the type of love that’s given based on a set
of premises – it’s essentially a contract where word serves as valid. In this, you’ve sacrificed your diamond membership card (unconditional love), for a premium or basic membership (conditional love). This type of love is difficult
to accept because we ALL feel that we’re deserving of unconditional love. The truth is that we are all deserving.
But deserving means qualified. Just because you’re qualified or worthy of something doesn’t obligate you to
receiving – we’re talking about potential. We may deserve the highest form of love in existence; however, in the absence of conditional love, it’s impossible to know what unconditional love is. It’d be like trying to see green
in an all red room…and you look like Hellboy. So, even though you “deserve” unconditional love, there’s this idea called compromise. And when you don’t accept the terms of a compromise, well…there are consequences….and rewards…….but there are consequences.
Ultimately, I’m talking about building trust in order to reach that state of unconditional love, because there is a
due process. Think of it as the means to build your credit score – in some cases, you’ll need a loan. You’ll be looking for someone to invest in you with faith that you’ll produce a profitable return for yourself and dividends for your investor. Are you reliable? Is there a sense of “security” about you? Based on what evidence? What trends/attributes
make you’re a promising investment? Of course, first time applicants usually have it easiest since it’s the beginning of the
relationship. We live in a world where word is bond. After all, the spirit of God (The Word) is perpetually made physical. Thought and word are forms of energy, that’s neither created nor destroyed. You will receive what you exert.
So as an investor (or philanthropist) never give what you aren’t willing to lose. When credibility is completely destroyed (you’ve gone bankrupt), and you’re in deeply in debt, few to none will invest in you. The solution, in this case,
is to stop asking, and start giving. Create a balance, since it’s lacking. It’s likely that your loved ones may
perceive you as a leech. It’d help if you showed them otherwise.
Now, when love is given unconditionally, no credit score is required. It doesn’t matter what you do
(bad or good), you’re guaranteed love. There’s no obligation, and no sense of control – it’s free. And what I believe (and
know) is that God loves us unconditionally. But God, simultaneously, has conditional love for us. Although this
brings a bit of complexity to our relationship, it’s fair – it warrants diversity. These are the karmic experiences, the reaping what you sow, the causes and effects, the Quid pro quos, and the Tit for Tats. We emulate this complex relationship amongst each other to facilitate the human experience. What makes loving people so difficult is when they don’t honor the conditions of love given. When they hold back, you hold back. I’m talking about the lack of discipline, respect, maturity and self control in honoring covenants/contracts/agreements/regulations/laws. This is why divorces occur, lawsuits are issued, people are fired, bankruptcies happen, debts accrue, service is terminated, death sentences are executed, countries are invaded, and grudges are held. Trust doesn’t exist so that you know everything about a person – it creates room for growth. So, you don’t have to know everything about a person, but please donate your awareness to a person’s trends/habits.
To conclude this monologue, when trust is lost, the debtor must simply replenish the trust they wish to have. Beware of the nature of your relationships. If you sense distance, then investigate. Start over – from the ground up. Destroy and rebuild. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not impossible, just difficult. When indebted to someone, offer love without expectation, and observe the results – experiment until you receive the desired results. Persistence, vulnerability, integrity, patience, kindness, and charitable ways can potentially elevate you to the top floor of your skyscraper of a relationship. Remember the wrongdoings, but do not condemn anyone for them – don’t even condemn your own. In spite of all that’s written, trusting yourself is vital. How can you trust someone, yet not trust yourself? Understand that anyone can be redeemed, but know your limits and recognize when you’re being abused on your quest for regain trust. Some people may simply be too proud and stubborn to reciprocate the very same trust that you once lost. In this case, you create the distance, and this will create a shift. And numerous shifts may occur until the balance is restored.
So…what are your thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and questions? Let’s make this about you for a little while. And don’t forget to click the share button.
I know it’s been a few centuries since I’ve delivered some words to the Skywalker Universe. It’s been more desolate and barren than an 80 yr Old Infertile Egyptian Woman. So, now I’m ready to impregnate this place with a few of my children aka “the words”. Prophecies have been written that the gods of Skywalker Universe will abandon its children as a test of strength, diligence, patience, and courage. They called this “The Bastard Age”. The people have protested, gone to war, destroyed monuments and statues, and cursed the heavens for their “Dead Beat Daddy” behavior. I mean, talk about attention-seeking! They’ve scribed on tablets that one day, the gods will return, and fill the Skywalker Universe with life once again. No emails. No letters. No intuitive voicemails. Not even a text message with a Sideways Letter “V” and the Number 3
After centuries of living like Charlie Murphy in a Batman Costume (Complete Darkness)…
……the prophecy is NOW….FULFILLED!
…..Ok, now I know you saw the rest of the words at the bottom before you read the top; so you’ve guessed as much. I’m gonna give a little more attention to this blog today. But please, feel free to play along with the theme, because there’s nothing wrong with a dash of light humor and glee. So yea, I took a hiatus from the Skywalker Universe. Eh, as much as I desire to write, I also feel like (shrugs) who cares. Motivation can either be intrinsic or extrinsic. Often, I look for it extrinsically (as implied by Mark Twain in “What is Man?”). Despite the realization that I don’t write for the world, I write for myself. So, the lack of attention that this blog received was doubled after I realized that my visitor’s count was more unstable than the Nuclear Reactors in Japan after the March Earthquake. I’ve decided, to man up, and give my Skywalker Universe some love, and stop Withholding my thoughts. Allow me to make a Deposit like a Surrogate Father.
Much has happened outside of the universe, and I’m not gonna dig into the details because that’s more digging than a Grave Digger on RedBull would wanna do. Maybe one day the Lost Chapters will be recovered, but for now, I just wanna touch on this Cosmic Hug concept that lingered in my mind yesterday while eating at Ruby Tuesdays. By the way, their Asian Glazed Salmon is explosive! OMG! (salivates and pauses) Ok, lemme focus. So yea, while gracefully indulging in this Asian inspired-delectable, I was reflecting on my inherent desire to hug my son in the future. This desire to hug my son was very relative to my desire to blog in the Skywalker Universe; of course, I repressed my emotions and desire in order to um… “stay strong”.
Liar…. <<< True Story
So, I was picturing the moment where I would one day hug my son after months (it’s only been since Xmas 2010) of distance. I was captivated by the vision that I had in my mind. I wondered if I was exaggerating this fantasy, or if this is how it would be; like a Premonition. Then I applied my vision to the universe; the development of the hug – the process – the journey into its conclusion. It’s an extraordinary concept, really. Think about one of those moments where an unrehearsed, passionate hug took place. Don’t focus on the end result, but the process that gave birth to the end result. I give much attention to the process because that’s what Life is, in my perspective, a process – an experiment. Yet we often give more relevance to the destination as if, once reached, life stops there; as if the exclamation point is placed at the end of this life sentence. Now, I’m not talking about one of those cordial, obligated, “hey, how-ya-doing?-I-haven’t-seen-you-in-a-while-because-we’re-not-that-close; but-I-wanna-be-nice-because-I’m-diplomatic-and-diplomatic-people-preserve-their-peace” type of hugs. It’s so refreshingly perplexing how we desire to become one with those whom we love intensely. I mean those who bring excitement to our lives upon visual contact:
(in African American, Hood, New Yorker voice)
“…we haven’t even TOUCHED, and I’m ready to explode, son!! Word is James Bond, ya dig?! Cuz I got that real love for ya. Pure 100%; Non-manufactured; No Preservatives or Additives; Kid Tested, Mother-Approved, type of love. (beats chest like Rampage Jackson before Caged-Fight)”
I dedicate this desire to those whom we are truly attracted to, not just on a sexual level, but on an emotional, mental, and spiritual level. And the attraction is required to be mutual, otherwise it’s not real. Stepping outside of myself, I visualize a father at the airport. He just landed after a 13- hour flight. He’s been daydreaming and reminiscing about his family, – but he’s more anxious to develop new ones. He yearns to hold his son after months (or even years) of physical distance. Forgive my over-romanticizing, but it’s like a Sunrise – often overlooked, since it’s so common to life – yet you appreciate it more when it’s been absent for a while. Separation makes the heart grow fonder….
He enters the terminal. He searches for his family. He spots his son. Now, this is where time becomes nonexistent to the two bodies, and everything slows down Matrix-style (without stylistic camera-pans). The son sees his father – instantly – he recognizes the face; furthermore, the memories are summoned to his conscience simultaneously, and he Lights Up like an Inspired Philosopher! Ding! (Still in the Matrix-style panorama) The father smiles and extends his arms passionately, signifying that his son’s inspiration is real. The son receives the intuitive green light to race towards him. The extensions of his father’s arms reach their maximum; his fingers mimic their erectness. The son screams: “daddy!” Running like Clean Water from Will Smith’s other Mansion. His father’s palms expand with so much integrity; his muscles tighten until contact is made. The intensity of this phenomenon is found in the unspoken language between the two bodies: it boldly screams “home!” The sense of belonging increases with each step, as they gravitate to towards the Invisible Black Hole between them. When the union initiates, the bodies engulf each other as if to consume. A duo becomes uno. And what’s even more fascinating is the “squeeze” mechanism that reinforces this binding of the bodies. It’s such a sanctifying element that reiterates approval of this natural event. It’s like the Standing Ovation for a Standing Ovation; the first one was so good, that it deserved another. They embrace each other as if they’re trying to implode. And for a moment, the two separate entities are recognized as one body. If daddy’s name was James, and son’s name was James Jr., then their union would be called James Squared. If daddy’s name was Robert, and son’s name was Troy, then their union would be called Troybert or Roy. If daddy was John, and son was Michael, their union would be called Michon (Mike-On) or Johcheal (Jo-Cole). Whatever the fusion name, it would defy all clichés and societal naming mechanisms for an instant. And after all the hoopla, the Big Bang occurs, and their universe expands, creating separate yet two connected entities that multiply themselves exponentially. Things go back to normal…sort of.
Sounds a bit dramatic, right? Different eyes see different things, though. So, to further my analysis (as I’m near completion of my scrumptious Asian Glazed Salmon – yum!), I correlated the expansion and contraction of the universe to this incident. I reveled in delight at the similarities! I envisioned a moment where this entire universe, all that is, implodes! I imagine all of existence returning to its point of origin. A Cosmically Divine Family Reunion! << Sounds a bit radical, I know, but considering my unorthodox, creative imagination, it works for me. And I know that I’m not the only one in this universe who shares this view. I imagine the universe containing an infinite menu of life forms that exists relative of each other – familial or even tribe-like – reproducing just as its Parent did (and does). And I imagine the Parent (God), calling upon all “Family Members” to return home for a Massive Hug. And as destructive as it may appear (google: Black Hole), there is perfect beauty found in the process because there is a purpose. Nothing exists without reason. I imagine that after this Epic Implosion, that Life will REcycle/REset/REbirth/REstructure/REform along with many other REasons to support their occurrence. It’s often stated that Life is not about the destination; the destination is certain. You have to wonder “how” the destination was met, because the process/journey glorifies it. The story told is brings flavor to the ending. And even the ending of a story is never a true ending; because as soon as you hear “and they lived happily ever after”…you ponder…what is life like AFTER that? Does it reset? Of course, we can accept that things don’t change afterwards; who would desire such insanity? Or maybe it’s not insane. So…what happens next?
What happens after you give that hug to your loved one? Life moves on, right? You separate; a whole bunch of events occur simultaneously to each of you, until the next time you become one again. Think about the last time you gave your loved one a loooong passionate hug (or kiss). Now think about the events that led up to it before the PREVIOUS loooong passionate hug (or kiss). And if your memory is awesomely intricate enough, repeat that again (or as many times as you can). Do you see the direction I’m going with this? Do you honestly believe that we spend our entire lives living to experience something ONCE? Eternity is longer than we can imagine in this case. Only God knows how many times we’ve had a “Family Reunion”. But I imagine that quantifying this event holds no relevance, because despite how many times it occurs, it always feels…..just oh so….
…well….I can’t really imagine a word for it, because it’s too magnificent for a word – it is simply is what it is.
If it’s mutual….then it’s real. And no matter if you desire to hug now or later, it will happen; if not in this life – then the next. It’s who we are. It’s analogous to the fusion of all colors to create white light; and then when refracted, the colors expand to depict the diversity and complexity of this pure white light. The colors of the rainbow are a family – and although you see each individual member, they are all equal portions of a greater whole.
Pray for my future inspirations if you’re feeling this, so that I won’t have to pull a Dead Beat Daddy mannerism on the children of the Skywalker Universe. For just one comment (displays sad, slightly dirty, innocent face of Skywalker child) you will feed the souls of millions of Skywalker children for what Earth considers 1 week. One comment is all it takes to bring sustenance, in the form of joy, to these precious children. And by sharing the dimensional link of the Skywalker Universe (click share) with your friends and associates, you will increase the chances of survival for the Skywalker children. So, please, comment today…. Share your thoughts so that poppas like John Skywalker can man-the-hell(or heavens) up and support the children of his universe.
(plays New Age, Easy Listening music that you hear in the infomercials, in background)