….But character doesn’t equate to looks…
Ok so.….no, not the GF that I masturbated to after watching Boomerang….or maybe that was Vivica. Well, anyway…
The entire reunion was sorta surreal as it springs from the current theme in my life: revisiting my past. I’ve jogged into Alicia a few times within the past 3 years of my venture to Kuwait. But this conference was hazily snugger than the briefness of the others. I’ve always tried to make our reconnections succinct. She has always noted how much I haven’t changed when I returned, while I was stranded with the unfortunate “ah, neither have you”. It seems that her attachment to me has remained as fresh as a 2nd chance. My family is very familiar with Alicia. Being with her erupted a lot of unpredictable stress into my life; it even infected my family. She is the equivalent to my little brother’s ex-girlfriend, Bae. << That relationship was 3 times messier, however.
What attracted to me to Alicia? (Rubs chin) (Scratches chin) First glance, she looked good…at the time. She was shapely, and I liked her eyes. Her personality emanated a bizarre sweetness. It helped that she was actually interested. I was quite the nerd back then, and I was deprived the looks, confidence, and the swagger to attract any of my true high school crushes. I wasn’t drunk with adoration for Alicia as she was for me. And it was this same intoxication that motivated her to surrendering her virginity to me. Alicia was my 2nd sexual experience (we’ll discuss my first some other time – [shivers] ugh!), and it wasn’t extraordinary, but it was much better than my first. The difference: I was actually attracted to Alicia. She surrendered her virginity in my friend (older brother) Corey’s room, whom stayed with his grandmother at the time. (chuckles) Damn…the measures teens will take in order to have a taste of sex. The experience was shy of romance, but it was seemingly plump of sentimentality. I don’t remember a lot of our moments in our relationship, but I can recall a lot of the conditions that fostered it. Her family was very strict against her having relations with a guy. This placed a limitation on our quality time together. She lived in the boondocks of Colquitt County, but she knew people who lived near my project home. We seized a lot of opportunities to meet up. And with my earnings from Hardees, I would buy her things: a few clothes and a little jewelry. I was a gentleman to her, and she knew it. She would come over to our house sometimes and just chill. Heck, according to her, I helped her with her homework (which I don’t remember doing it, but it sounds like me). It was a relationship that was virtually vague of arguments, flooded with innocence, and asserted with teenage sex. Alicia was a cool chic, but she was dim-lighted with intelligence and ambition. I was engaged with college prep classes, whereas she was involved with special education. She has a learning disability, but during the genesis of our relationship, I was a bit numb to the symptoms of it. Academically, I knew I was smarter, but it wasn’t something that I assessed as a contribution to our happiness. I waivered the truth of our dialogue being faint of intellectual stimulation, and just coasted through the relationship. Essentially, I soaked in what was available; especially the sex. (laughs) I remember one time we had sex near the library right behind a garbage dumpster. It was dark, and I was walking her home; doing what protective boyfriends do. I stayed in the NW projects, and I was escorting her to the projects near the library. It was a pleasant evening walk that swept into an amateur porno scene. Ha! It was the first time I’ve ever done something like that. I was so bold in my youth. (laughs) I remember smashing that from the side in my room, on the bunk bed (top bunk), room full of people, watching the TV. (smh). One time, Eric (my best friend) walked in on us! The stroking was uninterrupted as I calmly told him to close the door. (laughs and wipes tear from eye)…..what an adventure. But, as Alicia’s grades declined, her family’s concerns grew. Her brother resented me; expected from protective brother, of course. They strictly advised her to stop seeing me. And when I got a whiff of this instruction through her, I wanted to enforce it as well. One night, she was over at my place. It was raining, and her family was unaware of her whereabouts. Imagine their agitation when after their long-winded search, she’s at the “forbidden palace of little John”. Her brother knocks on the door. She and I are in my room lamped up. And when the announcement was made that it was her family, our hearts plummeted to our stomach. She exits slowly. And as soon as her feet met the porch pavement, he hits her (this was a very hard hit, BTW) and strong-arms her to the car as he thrashed out aggressive rants. I discovered later on that our antics have been heightening her mother’s stress levels. So, in hue of this information, I broke up with her. I didn’t want the relationship to end no more than her, but the risk towered my ambition. We were dangerously infatuated for too long; my commitment to a better future was heavier than my commitment to her. I accepted the idea of us separating with ease, but Alicia regressed. She really lashed out at me. She gave me her grandmother’s necklace as a present, once. So post-break up, at school, she would harass me about it. It was her only tangible link to me. A cheap necklace! And I knew it was cheap, because I’ve bought better. I couldn’t return all the hugs, orgasms, I-love-yous and kisses that she gave me. But if I would’ve known that her love had a cost, then we would’ve never begun our love spree. Heck, I could’ve demanded that she return all the V-Day and B-Day gifts, the clothes, the shoes, and the jewelry that I bought her – but they were sentiments that served their intended purpose. Seeking their return is a form of regression and a bold, underlined statement of regret. It would mean that everything that I ever did for her was unintended. << that wasn’t me back then, and it’s not me today. I couldn’t return her grandmother’s necklace, so I bought another to settle the debt. It was in that experience that I heightened my sagacity and caution in my dealings with women. Ask more piercing questions. Be more patient. Take less, and return more; because I didn’t wanna repeat this phase. I didn’t wanna ever feel indebted to a female ever again. It’s one of the reasons why I’m reluctant to even receive love from a woman – fear that her love has a cost despite the irony of me doing the most spending. F!ck that! Keep your love, lady, mine is much better anyway. (sighs) I just felt like break-ups shouldn’t be that dramatic….especially when it’s over expendable things. The chaos that she triggered had inspired me to preserve as much distance from her as possible. She left a bitter-like imprint in my conscience. And just like that, all of the good times were devoured by a pool of darkness. I used to perceive her in a rainbow-like façade, but her reaction to the break-up tarnished it.
Furthermore….her mother died soon after….(sighs)(smh)(holds chin)
I moved on and discovered Angela via internet (this was back in 2001 when Yahoo Messenger and Blackvoices were the most popular “social networking sites”) whom would propel me into my highlight of romance and intimacy for the next 8 years. But, I definitely applied lessons learned from Alicia. Angela received much more love from me because I realized the importance of compatibility. I had a refined taste for intelligence, emotional stability, ambition, creativity, sexual appetite (and adventure), pragmatism, style, and sense of spirituality. In the areas that Alicia was lacking, Angela compensated. It was one of the reasons why I remained so committed – she had everything that I yearned for. Alicia would be remembered as the first prototype, but her successor would be a very advanced model. Angela and I shared so many commonalities. << And because of the distinctions between Angela and Alicia, I realized what aspects of a woman were important to me. I had a larger menu of interests – hence, my expectations peaked. Alicia chose worse, and I chose better.
…So it shouldn’t be astonishing as to why I turned down her proposal of hooking back up.
It was unnecessary for me to assertively (or pompously) remind her of our discordancy. She doesn’t have what I’m looking for in a woman. She hasn’t even insinuated signs of growth that resulted from our 14-year separation. Her best friend motioned against the hook up even before Alicia expressed the idea through her to me. This was the stream of texts that ensued last night.
Alicia’s friend: K! Alicia ask[ed] me to tell u she know things didn’t work back then, but [could] she get another chance of [ya’ll] being in a relationship
Alicia’s friend: Ooookay! I like to smile [too] but that’s not an answer sir!! lol
Me: It wouldn’t work. My expectations and goals are way beyond her capacity. She’s not ready and neither am I
Me: We’re not compatible when it dwindles down to the principles of happiness
Alicia’s friend: [Yea] true; which it’s [not] hard to tell! I kind [of] try to say that to her but she [won’t] listen
Me: I like how you think Elyse
Alicia’s friend: Now it’s my turn! (smiles) but it’s clear to see. I’m still trying to help her open her eyes, and get her on her feet, let alone the level [you’re] on
There was more to the dialogue, but essentially, Elyse is a very good friend. She’s on a mission in helping Alicia become more self-reliant. In the past, Alicia has relied on a man to provide for her. Elyse is trying to lead her out of that cycle. And that is a very challenging task: helping her get a job, her own living space, and how to establish expectations of a man. But the essence of this post is centered on the realization of knowing what you are looking for based on what you don’t want. If you meet the requirements of your wishes, then you will summon a person that fits exactly what you are looking for. I don’t resent any of my relationships…but I do retain some inherent wisdom on how to approach new ones based on past relations (and television). With awareness of the mistakes (the undesirables), I’m able to refine my search for perfection. We must accept that when we seek something, we are assuming/hopeful that it is perfection. And when it’s deemed imperfect, you bless it, and you let it go so that it may serve another purpose. I’m glad that I reunited with my first girlfriend. I’ve recalled some old lessons, as I strive forward deeper into my past…remembering who I am; resolving pent up energy as I continue my search for perfection. If it’s one thing that I despise is someone who rejects someone due to the belief that they are better. I’m not claiming to be better than Alicia no more than I’m claiming a hydrogen atom is better than a nitrogen atom. You can find all the reasons why it is or isn’t, but relationships are about what works. What keeps them together? And what qualities do they bring to life…as one unit?
~Everyone is a teacher; listen and discern…then learn~