A Universe expressed through a Window of Experience

Posts tagged “ego

Ego Strikes Again


Not listening
Ego is deafening
Not visualizing
Ego is blinding
It’s a graffiti painted wall
It’s a filter
It’s a magnetic field
Whatever it is… has cut my umbilical cord
To the outside world
Now Pregnant with Desires
In the form of Chains
Pushing outward, I was
Giving Birth to Control
….Over my environment
The beginnings of my sufferings
Disguised as my pleasures
Not letting anything in
No questions nor suggestions for my mood
No challenges to my feelings
Says ego
…whom guards the storm within me
Deludes me
Protects me…from the truth that hurts
The clarity that purifies and dissolves
The contractual vestment in pleasures
Quarreling with ego
Losing the fight
Addicted to the drama like many others
Flooded with negative thoughts
Grey Clouds that appear in the form of situations
Now a Severe Weather-storm in the forecast
Wind Pressures
From Life’s Gravity, which moves me
Moody with High Temperatures
These are the makings of
….a Movie about my True Nature
A documentary of
An obscure storm
The sound-waves of thunder do not travel fast enough
Nor far beyond for you to receive them
Thinning out over time
Yes…this segment of me may be too dark for you to see
The frictions and afflictions
Sketched as Violet Lightnings
That Strike Violently…Quick
Punching the Air
Snapping and Cracking
The Innocent Skies into Fragments
Looking like Black Shattered Glass
Inside of my vast being
As this is all compressed in a globe the size of a peephole
A Small World within my Universal Self
A sphere of thought
To be thought of as fear
A collaboration of
Rampaging oceans and earthquakes
Present with great movements
And an absent stillness
Nicknamed …”peace”
Whom knows me but we are distant lovers
Incarcerated in one Cell, we once were
For many fallen suns
And since there’s no Conviction
At the moment, we simply don’t Jail (Gel)
Hard Heart
Cemented Feelings
What remains is a Statue of a Storm
Memorializing the life that no longer lives
A Rigid Coagulation of Currents
Sullenly Stubborn
Juxtaposed as a Fighter with a Rocky Role
The ego
A web of fiery desires
A magnetic field
A filter
A graffiti painted wall

Childish Man to Childlike Father

I’ve discovered a quote within my conscience some months back. It went something like:

Although a man puts away childish things, he maintains his child-like essence.

This piece of information, I hold very dear to my spirit. It depicts that a man is a maturing child of God. He never claims that he is grown – he never stops growing; unless he is stubborn, then he will decay in virtue. I love the fact that I still have a connection with my inner child; this connection is the portal that will guide me to connecting to my son. I have a very different view on parenting than most traditionalists and conservatives – to each, his own, right? I just know how I would like to be approached when I was a child. I didn’t have the benefit of my dad’s presence in the household. He was cold emotionally as he was physically; but he definitely had potential. He always told me he loved me. And yet, he made some choices that didn’t promote what most would consider a prosperous future; but he did ok for himself.

After observing his life, I truly realized what I didn’t want. His absence made me feel inadequate, in some ways. Yet, I possess his genes and I even assumed some of his mannerisms (smirks). Amazing how a boy can be like his father without witnessing him. DNA: a beautifully divine innovation that can curse the innocent. My dad was a living apparition in my life; and I still had this sense of knowing that I was becoming more like him. Progressively? Not quite. Imagine, walking on a beach; the sun is suspended in a blue sky that’s exploding with feathery clouds.  You look 45 degrees in front of you, and footprints grow in the sand away from your position. You follow these footprints, curious of where they lead to. And as you look around, the beautiful beach decays into a stormy lagoon; yet the footsteps possess your curiosity. You may even have a few friends in the distance trying to dissuade you from the unpleasant-trees (<<peep the wordplay)
to come.

I was looking for my father instead of looking for myself.

Yet, instead of holding him responsible, I inquired: how can I remedy this myself? I placed myself in this cycle. How do I escape?

Most men don’t even realize that they’re following their heredity paths. Of course, I’m not implying that this concept applies to all fatherless children. Even in the spirit of experience and genetics, one may choose a different path with the interference of a particular variable such as a loving influence that promotes self transcendence.

 My mother supported me throughout my career as a child and as an adolescent. Yet, in the infancy of my adulthood, I began experimenting. I began reinventing myself; looking to become something other than myself, as if it weren’t enough. I began tapping into my ego. And it definitely led me down a sandy trail of dementia, low self esteem, a thunderstorm of other hellish virtues. And during my journey, I somehow, ensured to preserve my child-like essence. This was an unforgettable, reliable spirit that endured with me through the quick sands of conformity.

This is a journey that I fear that my son may have to walk, due to my financial ambitions and spiritual goals. I’m purposeful in trying to become the ideal character for him to pull ideas from, and craft into his own being….if….he chooses. And as I discover more innovative ways in being godly, I start to realize innovative ways to serve my son. This is my 2nd year as a contractor. And often, I have to remind myself that I’m over here not only for the financial security that will produce the platform that will nourish him with material capabilities to explore himself, but I’m also over here for my larger family, and to foster my own growth. I’ve been exposed to the many exotic cultures and places; all which have helped me to evolve into my current persona. And occasionally, in the heart of my exploration, I reconnect with my son, whose voice is the catalyst that triggers my emotional breakdowns. A voice, that sounds so much like that familiar spirit that walked with me during my journey through that sinister lagoon; that familiar spirit which emancipated me from a chaotic cycle. It was because of him that I left my life in Washington State in the first place! My intuition advised to me to go to him. And I did. And we created memories. And then….I left again when I realized what I needed to do.

 If you would’ve asked me what my son sounded like in 2009, there’d be a pause; which would signify how I perceived his voice
– silence. Today, (sighs) when I hear him, I hear myself (teary eyed). I’ve always prayed to God: “please, just let him develop his speech and his capacity to understand just so I can connect. PLEASE!!”

Prayer works.

My initial meeting with him was the foundation of my relationship with him. I’ve grown to love the guy. Believe it or not – I wanted him aborted back in 2005. (raises hand) Yep, I was that guy.

So, when I hear a lot of single moms bash these so called “deadbeat dads”, I do one of two things: I stay silent or I try to shed a different perspective. One of my goals, as a human being, is maintain my composure as to not affirm verbally that I’m a “real man”. I think it’s self destructive that any man should have to degrade another man’s worth, and promote his own as if it were going to resolve the problem. I’m not saying we should mute the obvious, however, people always emphasize action rather words when dealing with people. I’m implying that telling a lost soul how lost he is won’t help him discover himself. If anything, it makes him more lost because he’s got the motivational push from you….to keep on going where he’s going. You’ve made it clear (in your delivery of words) that love is not on the other side – hate is. If you would’ve told me how much of a coward I was between ‘05-‘09, I would’ve shrugged you off without a micro scratch of guilt. I was more focused on the betterment of my current life than of the one I abandoned. So, not only would that “debate” have been a lost for you, but a lost for my son – you pushed daddy away. If anything, you did more harm than good. But your intentions are good. Noble. Your approach may work for some.

I talked to an old friend the other day via email. Because of his choices, he can’t get a job because of the felonies that’s marked on his social security number. Who desires to hire a felon? Even if he is war veteran who has 3 sons by 3 different women? He’s resorted to selling drugs and busting guns, yes, but he has heart and potential like many of us; but his collection of self imposed choices created his circumstance. He’s accepted it all with the little dignity and pride in his possession, and he’s drowning in pessimism. It brung me to tears when he told me: unlike you, I don’t wish my son to be like me…I wish he’d be greater. And although I desire my son to be greater than me as well,  I understood the context in which he said that. It shows me that as much as he wants to be in his children’s lives, he wasn’t innovative enough to tap into his inner child, and break free from the shackles of his self imposed circumstance. It makes me wonder if his children will suffer the same fate. A man’s character is his fate (Heraclitus)….

I just wanna emphasize to the gentlemen in the world that if we want to inspire our fallen comrades with a reminder of their inherent godliness, we should exercise grace and compassion in our words. Talk to a brotha without the tough part of your tough love campaign because it hardly works! It’s very pompous to assume our male brethren to be full of estrogen simply because they’ve misunderstood their purpose. Ahem, I am addressing the gentlemen. And not all men are full time gentlemen. A gentleman is assertive when necessary, and is always compassionate and patient. Jesus nor Gandhi would speak as if they’re greater than another. A gentleman speaks softly with an undertone of vigor; expressing that he means what he says, but he’s conservative in tone. Egos are aggressive speakers – they attack and impose. Gentlemen are evasive and inviting – they’re defensive and neutral speakers. Which one are you? And even though I can elaborate more, I need to conclude with this: a gentleman is deeply in tune with his inner child because that spirit is the center of his growth.

My son inspires me to grow because I recognize that we share the same center.

I love you Zae! One day, I’ll be able to prove it in more ways that I can today.

In my lifetime, ain’t too many things better
than watching your first son put his sentences together

Yo, it kinda make me think of way back when
I was the portrait of the artist as a young man
All them teenage dreams of rapping

Writing rhymes on napkins

Was really visualization
Making this here actually happen
It’s like something comin through me
That truly just consume me
Speaking through the voices of the spirits speaking to me
I think back in the day, I absorbed everything like a sponge
Took a plunge into my past to share with my son

– Talib Kweli in
“Memories Live”

JusFriends – The Platonic Conspiracy

So, I was doing my daily blog jog (where I run through a few blog sites for inspiration), and I came across one about platonic friends. Of course, this topic came up at a convenient time for me because I’ve been questioning my motivations for one. I think I’d be doing myself a great service if I explain my standards and viewpoints on platonic relationships…with the opposite sex….to myself.

First off, I do not deem it impossible or detrimental to have platonic relationships (with the opposite sex or someone you’re attracted to). And even if I did, you’d summon the stars, the planets, and an army of well respected politicians and lawyers to present your case and belittle my opinion like a Sarcastic Mother to an Insecure Juvenile. I’d be such a victim.

Personally (as John Skywalker), I don’t prefer to maintain a platonic relationship with the opposite sex. Now, here is where the train of contradiction starts chew-chewing away at my previous statement. I do reserve exceptions to my loose yet strict preference. But, before we tackle that Little Piggy in the Muddy Waters of this topic, lemme serve you a bit of asinine justice for my preference. Romance is a lot of work. I look at romance in terms of a heart that donates, transfers, and accepts blood using the veins and arteries that stem from it, in order to make my love circulate to a few commitments. I can either reserve my love flow for myself (which exhibits selfishness), or I can invest my Oh-so Positive Love towards bodies in need. “Bodies in need” is a conditional phrase – everyone needs love, and although I’m (we) are infinite in love, I do get exhausted and overwhelmed. So, I have to manage my relationships wisely. There are vampires and zombies in the Land of the Lost, you know. Essentially, I’m on a mission to practice unconditional love; and it’s a lifelong process. Although I have some self control, it’s very distracting to have a single, intelligent, goal-oriented, spiritually-inclined, practical, independent, physically attractive woman….as a friend. It’s a conflict of interest. It would be like guarding someone else’s chicken fried steak (with gravy), augmented with mashed potatoes, sweet corn, and a biscuit…

……on an empty, growling stomach….

Ohhhh, the agony! The suffering! The inhumane torture!! (Licks lips)

What’s my motivation? Why am I preserving a delicacy that I view as an off-limits indulgence?

I’m not neglecting the possibility of me being her friend; this is a matter of probability based on desire and purpose. I guess I’m being my extreme self again – one way or the other. I’ve been in the friend zone before, so the “Nice Guys Finish Last” doctrine is one I’ve practiced a few times prior. I even have a Collector’s Edition T-Shirt. I don’t feel grudgingly about this approach (because I gained wisdom for the opportunities), however, it really sucks to limit your love simply because someone doesn’t feel you like that. But, when they get hurt by the bad guy that emanated so much animal magnetism, charm, and lack of emotional security (which you warned them about by the way), best believe you’re getting a text message, a FB message, and a phone call (not necessarily in that order) and even a knock on the door so you can play Therapist! Of course, your sentimentality will nudge you in the back to yield because seeing another in pain is never a pleasant sight to the sympathizer. You can’t say “I told you so” because you’ll look like the Heartbreaker’s Advocate. So, yes, you’re being selfish through the whole “friendly” experience because you know what you want, yet you couldn’t get it due to your value for respect and invitation. It’s just one of those relationships that require a defined motivation and mature spirit. Ladies, watch “Just Friends”; it’s funny, but the experience is a sad testament for the nice guys and gals of the galaxy.

(Cracks Fingers…[here, Piggy-Piggy])

Now as I said previously, I do retain some self discipline, given that I’m objective about preserving the nature of the relationship. As in, we’re collaborating for a short term goal that’ll benefit us both long-term; in that long term, we’re not physically in each other’s lives. When I mention “collaborations”, I mean those that are business-involved, artistically mandated, or socially impactful. Overall, it’s for a greater purpose other than our selves. She can’t be faulted for looking so damn good in our Batman/Catwoman dynamic to save the world. In this case, the motivation is unselfish, and easy for me to follow.

Another instance is proximity. This is sooooo convenient for me! I can type and talk my ass off (I’m a conversationalist), and with proximity as an obstacle, the relationship has little intimacy. The luxury of technology, ah! Granted, I can override these obstacles like an Airborne Superman on a Tricycle, but I set my boundaries, and abide rationally. A pro to this aspect in the platonic relationship is the emotional commitment as being minimal since we’re not “hanging out”. It’s less taxing when there’s physical distance between the two of you. Contact is circumstantial rather than a consistent basis. Most of my female platonic friends are in the United States, and they’re out of physical reach (since I reside in Kuwait). I have a lot of social networking friends that I chat with online; the relationship is cordial, open, yet the security blanket of proximity makes it easy for me to adjust to.     

Another barrier is if she’s physically unattractive, and is a work in progress. This includes character flaws. At this point, I’m playing the coaching role. No, she’s not a charity case, she’s an unblossomed flower. I’m just the sunlight and the rain. I’m a resource to aid in her evolution so that she can spread her wings as the fallen angel that falls in love. This is sort of like the first instance, because our relationship is more for my development as a spiritual guide (in a friendly sense), and her development as a human being. It’s a collaborative effort for a greater, long-term purpose outside of our little circle. Again, I could reap the benefits of my labor, at the time of harvest, but as paradoxical as it may sound, it’s a conflict of interest to my primary motivation. I’m simply aiming for the Best Supporting Actor for the Best Actress in a Leading Role. This role is a resume builder for my future interactions with my chosen mate. Again, my boundaries are set and I abide by them rationally.

The last instance (that I’m going to list) is if she’s already committed to someone. In this case, I’m completely turned off. Sure, I’d glance, hell, I’d even fantasize a few times (because my imagination just can’t shadow the possibilities) but…I’d NEEEEVER make a move. If I see a ring on her finger – automatic turn off. I initiate my Blind Kenshi Nice Guy defense mechanism (it’s an approach), and I act as if she’s nonexistent. All systems are in evasive-mode. I respond accordingly and cordially if she approaches, but I ensure that I give off the energy of a “loner type who doesn’t wanna be bothered”. It’s a defense mechanism (one of many) to keep me structured and secure. I’m not a fan of love triangles; although they’re entertaining, they’re not all that fun, personally. Drama films (for me) are at their best when I don’t have a part to play in them. They entail a lot of miscommunication and chaos, with a medium slice of guilty pleasure that’s oozing with regret dripping from the sides. They sometimes have happy endings, but everyone doesn’t survive the movie. It’s overall…a sloppy served dish with a bitter sweet taste. Unless you’re the Lara Croft of relationships, have a fetish for being victimized (masochistic), or is obsessed with victimizing (sadistic), I’d meditate on peaceful images and invest in romantic comedies on Blu Ray and DVD (unless you still own a VCR).  

I understand that there are many cases where individuals are flirtatious. This interprets that a person has a desire for multiple relationships, each with different levels of intimacy. Flirtatious people are usually engaged in “open relationships” with individuals who are secure in who they are. Most of the time these relationships have romantic objectives; they’re looking experience a certain aspect of love that’s not found in one person. This is not gender-fixed. The masculine and feminine psyches operate differently, and for good reason. Women often think of the benefits of a masculine counterpart through prioritizing their interests (security, uncommitted intimacy, noncompetitive in mating, resourceful, fun, warmth, openness, etc), and although men value those same benefits, their priorities are different. What OFTEN register’s to the male psyche first is sex; the others trail behind like a Squad of Blindfolded Army Soldiers in Basic Training. Sometimes they get lost out in the field, and sometimes they manage to stay in cadence – one behind the other. As men mature entirely, flexibility is more pertinent to the male psyche, which gives women a bit more room to inflict their mastery of persuasion. SOME women manage to not be so misleading and ambiguous. SOME manage to reveal their intentions at the first bus stop before Greyhounding into foreverness as platonic friends. And surprisingly enough, there are a small percentage of males who pull these same tactics on WOMEN!! (gasps)

Now, I question if my personal boundaries, in this matter, are a thunder cloud of flatulence from my ass-hole persona of an ego. My perception is quite biased and paradoxical, according to my “unconditional love” mission. However, they seemed justified. I know one female who has surpassed the obstacles I listed above, and yet I still befriend her….almost intimately. She qualifies for all three of these categories (loosely), and yet I’m violating my boundaries. The best defense mechanism I have is proximity. But it makes me wonder, what if I didn’t have that – I’m not sure that’s a Drama Film I’m willing to rent! Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad, and I’m just exaggerating my fear of the unknown. What am I defending against… rejection? Conflict? Or maybe I fear that the nature of the relationship will be compromised. Or maybe I’m afraid to be vulnerable. How many times have you heard “I won’t hurt you”, and then 3 weeks later you stop calling her (or him), and you act as if they’re Brand New…in a bad way? You can’t love unconditionally and fully if you’re invulnerable; the spoils of vigilance. And forgiveness is hard work….

…if you’re out of practice.

A random but valuable mention is “She’s Out of My League”. It’s a mildly funny movie, but it’s definitely geared for those who are a bit shallow in their perception of relationships; self esteem issues and sh!t. Some people like to be around the good folk because they’re “safe”. Aint nothing wrong with that, but please….pleeeease let your emotional body guard know why he’s on your romantic payroll. Communication is vital to the survivability of a relationship.

I guess I can conclude that although I’m well equipped, I’m reluctant to engage in a male-female platonic relationship. Although this type of relationship would still compliment my “self love conquest” since I’d have little or no emotional commitment to the female. The level of intimacy would have to be established and reinforced with purpose and reason. This is all probably an inflated idea of mine that’s a euphemism for my fear of being “played” or “used”. If that’s the case, it’s an insecure perception that’s devised by my ego. Therefore, this could just be my ego’s attempt at limiting my love conquests in exchange for lustful ones. Regardless, I’m honestly indecisive of the matter after much explanation and contemplation – it just depends on the nature of the relationship, and how I feel about its direction.

 Why be so objective about this when I’m ignorant of the future conditions? (shrugs) So I guess I’m as Open as Trey Songz’ Dress Shirt on Valentine’s Day.

Not sure if a Dog in the Backyard with a Bone would Dig it….but it works.

We know that platonic relationships CAN work, but DO they work for you? And are you considerate of your platonic candidate’s intention PRIOR to you initiating a friendship? Or do you assume based on the openness and friendliness that they share your views? Nonverbal behavior can be misleading.

And what about the effects of platonic relationships on committed ones? Is it fair that you invest energy in platonic relationships outside of your committed ones? Is commitment a good idea if you’re so vested in maintaining diverse relationships?

How do you feel about people you’re intimately interested in that have multiple friends of the opposite sex? Do you investigate, and risk becoming a number in his army of platonics (a possible visage for “sexual partners”), or do you abandon friendSHIP?