A Universe expressed through a Window of Experience

Posts tagged “conflict

Ego Strikes Again

ego_by_vimark-d306bsh

Not listening
Ego is deafening
Not visualizing
Ego is blinding
It’s a graffiti painted wall
It’s a filter
It’s a magnetic field
Whatever it is… has cut my umbilical cord
To the outside world
Now Pregnant with Desires
In the form of Chains
Pushing outward, I was
Giving Birth to Control
….Over my environment
The beginnings of my sufferings
Disguised as my pleasures
Not letting anything in
No questions nor suggestions for my mood
No challenges to my feelings
Says ego
…whom guards the storm within me
Deludes me
Protects me…from the truth that hurts
The clarity that purifies and dissolves
The contractual vestment in pleasures
Sex…porn….vanity
Arrogance…sugar….
Mockery…
Accomplishments….
Rightness…
Quarreling with ego
Losing the fight
Addicted to the drama like many others
Flooded with negative thoughts
Grey Clouds that appear in the form of situations
Now a Severe Weather-storm in the forecast
Wind Pressures
From Life’s Gravity, which moves me
Moody with High Temperatures
These are the makings of
Emotion….Picture
….a Movie about my True Nature
A documentary of
An obscure storm
The sound-waves of thunder do not travel fast enough
Nor far beyond for you to receive them
Thinning out over time
Yes…this segment of me may be too dark for you to see
The frictions and afflictions
Sketched as Violet Lightnings
That Strike Violently…Quick
Punching the Air
Snapping and Cracking
The Innocent Skies into Fragments
Looking like Black Shattered Glass
Inside of my vast being
As this is all compressed in a globe the size of a peephole
A Small World within my Universal Self
A sphere of thought
To be thought of as fear
A collaboration of
Rampaging oceans and earthquakes
Present with great movements
And an absent stillness
Nicknamed …”peace”
Whom knows me but we are distant lovers
Incarcerated in one Cell, we once were
For many fallen suns
And since there’s no Conviction
At the moment, we simply don’t Jail (Gel)
Hard Heart
Cemented Feelings
What remains is a Statue of a Storm
Memorializing the life that no longer lives
A Rigid Coagulation of Currents
Sullenly Stubborn
Juxtaposed as a Fighter with a Rocky Role
The ego
A web of fiery desires
A magnetic field
A filter
A graffiti painted wall
Blinding
Deafening


JusFriends – The Platonic Conspiracy

So, I was doing my daily blog jog (where I run through a few blog sites for inspiration), and I came across one about platonic friends. Of course, this topic came up at a convenient time for me because I’ve been questioning my motivations for one. I think I’d be doing myself a great service if I explain my standards and viewpoints on platonic relationships…with the opposite sex….to myself.

First off, I do not deem it impossible or detrimental to have platonic relationships (with the opposite sex or someone you’re attracted to). And even if I did, you’d summon the stars, the planets, and an army of well respected politicians and lawyers to present your case and belittle my opinion like a Sarcastic Mother to an Insecure Juvenile. I’d be such a victim.

Personally (as John Skywalker), I don’t prefer to maintain a platonic relationship with the opposite sex. Now, here is where the train of contradiction starts chew-chewing away at my previous statement. I do reserve exceptions to my loose yet strict preference. But, before we tackle that Little Piggy in the Muddy Waters of this topic, lemme serve you a bit of asinine justice for my preference. Romance is a lot of work. I look at romance in terms of a heart that donates, transfers, and accepts blood using the veins and arteries that stem from it, in order to make my love circulate to a few commitments. I can either reserve my love flow for myself (which exhibits selfishness), or I can invest my Oh-so Positive Love towards bodies in need. “Bodies in need” is a conditional phrase – everyone needs love, and although I’m (we) are infinite in love, I do get exhausted and overwhelmed. So, I have to manage my relationships wisely. There are vampires and zombies in the Land of the Lost, you know. Essentially, I’m on a mission to practice unconditional love; and it’s a lifelong process. Although I have some self control, it’s very distracting to have a single, intelligent, goal-oriented, spiritually-inclined, practical, independent, physically attractive woman….as a friend. It’s a conflict of interest. It would be like guarding someone else’s chicken fried steak (with gravy), augmented with mashed potatoes, sweet corn, and a biscuit…

……on an empty, growling stomach….

Ohhhh, the agony! The suffering! The inhumane torture!! (Licks lips)

What’s my motivation? Why am I preserving a delicacy that I view as an off-limits indulgence?

I’m not neglecting the possibility of me being her friend; this is a matter of probability based on desire and purpose. I guess I’m being my extreme self again – one way or the other. I’ve been in the friend zone before, so the “Nice Guys Finish Last” doctrine is one I’ve practiced a few times prior. I even have a Collector’s Edition T-Shirt. I don’t feel grudgingly about this approach (because I gained wisdom for the opportunities), however, it really sucks to limit your love simply because someone doesn’t feel you like that. But, when they get hurt by the bad guy that emanated so much animal magnetism, charm, and lack of emotional security (which you warned them about by the way), best believe you’re getting a text message, a FB message, and a phone call (not necessarily in that order) and even a knock on the door so you can play Therapist! Of course, your sentimentality will nudge you in the back to yield because seeing another in pain is never a pleasant sight to the sympathizer. You can’t say “I told you so” because you’ll look like the Heartbreaker’s Advocate. So, yes, you’re being selfish through the whole “friendly” experience because you know what you want, yet you couldn’t get it due to your value for respect and invitation. It’s just one of those relationships that require a defined motivation and mature spirit. Ladies, watch “Just Friends”; it’s funny, but the experience is a sad testament for the nice guys and gals of the galaxy.

(Cracks Fingers…[here, Piggy-Piggy])

Now as I said previously, I do retain some self discipline, given that I’m objective about preserving the nature of the relationship. As in, we’re collaborating for a short term goal that’ll benefit us both long-term; in that long term, we’re not physically in each other’s lives. When I mention “collaborations”, I mean those that are business-involved, artistically mandated, or socially impactful. Overall, it’s for a greater purpose other than our selves. She can’t be faulted for looking so damn good in our Batman/Catwoman dynamic to save the world. In this case, the motivation is unselfish, and easy for me to follow.

Another instance is proximity. This is sooooo convenient for me! I can type and talk my ass off (I’m a conversationalist), and with proximity as an obstacle, the relationship has little intimacy. The luxury of technology, ah! Granted, I can override these obstacles like an Airborne Superman on a Tricycle, but I set my boundaries, and abide rationally. A pro to this aspect in the platonic relationship is the emotional commitment as being minimal since we’re not “hanging out”. It’s less taxing when there’s physical distance between the two of you. Contact is circumstantial rather than a consistent basis. Most of my female platonic friends are in the United States, and they’re out of physical reach (since I reside in Kuwait). I have a lot of social networking friends that I chat with online; the relationship is cordial, open, yet the security blanket of proximity makes it easy for me to adjust to.     

Another barrier is if she’s physically unattractive, and is a work in progress. This includes character flaws. At this point, I’m playing the coaching role. No, she’s not a charity case, she’s an unblossomed flower. I’m just the sunlight and the rain. I’m a resource to aid in her evolution so that she can spread her wings as the fallen angel that falls in love. This is sort of like the first instance, because our relationship is more for my development as a spiritual guide (in a friendly sense), and her development as a human being. It’s a collaborative effort for a greater, long-term purpose outside of our little circle. Again, I could reap the benefits of my labor, at the time of harvest, but as paradoxical as it may sound, it’s a conflict of interest to my primary motivation. I’m simply aiming for the Best Supporting Actor for the Best Actress in a Leading Role. This role is a resume builder for my future interactions with my chosen mate. Again, my boundaries are set and I abide by them rationally.

The last instance (that I’m going to list) is if she’s already committed to someone. In this case, I’m completely turned off. Sure, I’d glance, hell, I’d even fantasize a few times (because my imagination just can’t shadow the possibilities) but…I’d NEEEEVER make a move. If I see a ring on her finger – automatic turn off. I initiate my Blind Kenshi Nice Guy defense mechanism (it’s an approach), and I act as if she’s nonexistent. All systems are in evasive-mode. I respond accordingly and cordially if she approaches, but I ensure that I give off the energy of a “loner type who doesn’t wanna be bothered”. It’s a defense mechanism (one of many) to keep me structured and secure. I’m not a fan of love triangles; although they’re entertaining, they’re not all that fun, personally. Drama films (for me) are at their best when I don’t have a part to play in them. They entail a lot of miscommunication and chaos, with a medium slice of guilty pleasure that’s oozing with regret dripping from the sides. They sometimes have happy endings, but everyone doesn’t survive the movie. It’s overall…a sloppy served dish with a bitter sweet taste. Unless you’re the Lara Croft of relationships, have a fetish for being victimized (masochistic), or is obsessed with victimizing (sadistic), I’d meditate on peaceful images and invest in romantic comedies on Blu Ray and DVD (unless you still own a VCR).  

I understand that there are many cases where individuals are flirtatious. This interprets that a person has a desire for multiple relationships, each with different levels of intimacy. Flirtatious people are usually engaged in “open relationships” with individuals who are secure in who they are. Most of the time these relationships have romantic objectives; they’re looking experience a certain aspect of love that’s not found in one person. This is not gender-fixed. The masculine and feminine psyches operate differently, and for good reason. Women often think of the benefits of a masculine counterpart through prioritizing their interests (security, uncommitted intimacy, noncompetitive in mating, resourceful, fun, warmth, openness, etc), and although men value those same benefits, their priorities are different. What OFTEN register’s to the male psyche first is sex; the others trail behind like a Squad of Blindfolded Army Soldiers in Basic Training. Sometimes they get lost out in the field, and sometimes they manage to stay in cadence – one behind the other. As men mature entirely, flexibility is more pertinent to the male psyche, which gives women a bit more room to inflict their mastery of persuasion. SOME women manage to not be so misleading and ambiguous. SOME manage to reveal their intentions at the first bus stop before Greyhounding into foreverness as platonic friends. And surprisingly enough, there are a small percentage of males who pull these same tactics on WOMEN!! (gasps)

Now, I question if my personal boundaries, in this matter, are a thunder cloud of flatulence from my ass-hole persona of an ego. My perception is quite biased and paradoxical, according to my “unconditional love” mission. However, they seemed justified. I know one female who has surpassed the obstacles I listed above, and yet I still befriend her….almost intimately. She qualifies for all three of these categories (loosely), and yet I’m violating my boundaries. The best defense mechanism I have is proximity. But it makes me wonder, what if I didn’t have that – I’m not sure that’s a Drama Film I’m willing to rent! Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad, and I’m just exaggerating my fear of the unknown. What am I defending against… rejection? Conflict? Or maybe I fear that the nature of the relationship will be compromised. Or maybe I’m afraid to be vulnerable. How many times have you heard “I won’t hurt you”, and then 3 weeks later you stop calling her (or him), and you act as if they’re Brand New…in a bad way? You can’t love unconditionally and fully if you’re invulnerable; the spoils of vigilance. And forgiveness is hard work….

…if you’re out of practice.

A random but valuable mention is “She’s Out of My League”. It’s a mildly funny movie, but it’s definitely geared for those who are a bit shallow in their perception of relationships; self esteem issues and sh!t. Some people like to be around the good folk because they’re “safe”. Aint nothing wrong with that, but please….pleeeease let your emotional body guard know why he’s on your romantic payroll. Communication is vital to the survivability of a relationship.

I guess I can conclude that although I’m well equipped, I’m reluctant to engage in a male-female platonic relationship. Although this type of relationship would still compliment my “self love conquest” since I’d have little or no emotional commitment to the female. The level of intimacy would have to be established and reinforced with purpose and reason. This is all probably an inflated idea of mine that’s a euphemism for my fear of being “played” or “used”. If that’s the case, it’s an insecure perception that’s devised by my ego. Therefore, this could just be my ego’s attempt at limiting my love conquests in exchange for lustful ones. Regardless, I’m honestly indecisive of the matter after much explanation and contemplation – it just depends on the nature of the relationship, and how I feel about its direction.

 Why be so objective about this when I’m ignorant of the future conditions? (shrugs) So I guess I’m as Open as Trey Songz’ Dress Shirt on Valentine’s Day.

Not sure if a Dog in the Backyard with a Bone would Dig it….but it works.

We know that platonic relationships CAN work, but DO they work for you? And are you considerate of your platonic candidate’s intention PRIOR to you initiating a friendship? Or do you assume based on the openness and friendliness that they share your views? Nonverbal behavior can be misleading.

And what about the effects of platonic relationships on committed ones? Is it fair that you invest energy in platonic relationships outside of your committed ones? Is commitment a good idea if you’re so vested in maintaining diverse relationships?

How do you feel about people you’re intimately interested in that have multiple friends of the opposite sex? Do you investigate, and risk becoming a number in his army of platonics (a possible visage for “sexual partners”), or do you abandon friendSHIP?


The Triple-O G….Jealous?

Ok, it’s been forever and 3 months, and now I finally decided to post a blog! Yay! (No confetti)

In case you’re pondering…triple-O G is omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient God!

So I was thinking (as I normally do, since the forever and 3 months), about the cliché sayings of the religious who proclaim to know God based on what they’ve heard and read, rather than their experience with Him. One thought that came across was how God is considered a “jealous God”. I figured, before I get started into challenging this, I’d go seek an answer from a religious source to explain this before I analyze, deduce, induce and begin the experimental phase of discovering an answer for myself; despite the fact that I KNOW that God has no reason to be jealous of His creation unless He truly desires just because He can. I pulled an answer from Sue Bohlin, a bible teacher and conference teacher. http://www.probe.org/site/c.fdKEIMNsEoG/b.5345915/k.44F4/If_Jealousy_Is_a_Sin_Why_Is_God_a_Jealous_God.htm

If jealousy is a sin, then why does God say He is a jealous God?

She replies: Great question. Not understanding this distinction was Oprah’s point of departure from orthodox Christianity, when she heard that God is a jealous God, and her reaction was, “What? God is jealous of me?”

There is a difference between holy jealousy and sinful jealousy. Holy jealousy means that one is appropriately possessive of something that belongs to him or her. For example, I am not willing to share my husband’s heart or body with any other woman because he is mine. I’m happy to share his gifts and energies with the body of Christ and the larger world, and I even love to see that happen, but I want his heart and soul to be exclusively mine. That is a kind of holy and entirely appropriate jealousy.

Sinful jealousy is the desire to have something that doesn’t belong to us; another word is envy. When we want something God has not given to us, such as other people’s fame, or material goods, or a job, or favor, or a spouse, that is a sin. Sometimes we see this in a jealous person who wants all the attentions of their loved one to be directed to themselves. I have seen people who fly into a rage when they learn that their spouse or significant other has talked on the phone with anyone, or had any kind of conversation with a third person. Such a jealous person desires to have a level of exclusivity that doesn’t belong to them.

God exhibits holy jealousy because our love and adoration rightfully belong to Him; He is jealous with a holy jealousy when we love and worship false gods in idolatry. His kind of jealousy is not sinful because we belong to Him and He created our hearts to belong to Him as well.

Now, don’t get this misconstrued, I definitely understand her point. She’s done a fair job of “defending God’s righteousness” by a) not quoting scriptures to support her answer, and b) by implementing an absurd double standard in the definition of jealousy, and c) not defining jealousy. No need for the scriptures, Exodus has loads of examples. Hmmm, maybe my comment was a projection of my own jealousy; like, how fair is it that I’m sinning when I’m jealous (meaning: under a condition [emotion]) that someone possesses what I lack yet yearn, while God is excused as being Himself when He’s jealous? I do understand Sue’s translation, though. According to her (or rather, biblical description/doctrine) God’s jealousy is justified because He deserves recognition for all gifts that He gives. Strangely enough, it’s jealousy out of love. This isn’t a question of justification, though. All emotions are justified. It’s a matter of control. As a parent, I don’t own my child, nor am I obligated to him. I love him because that’s who I am. If he calls someone else daddy, however, I think I would be jealous in this case. So, I guess I would be entitled to “holy jealousy” in this case. If I truly love him, it won’t matter right? Because I can’t change his mind; however, I can change the way I feel about it. And I’m sure God can do the same thing. Maybe it’s my radical way of thinking that’s making me confused on the matter; or maybe I’m not confused (shrugs) anyway, let’s observe how the dictionary defines jealousy.

[jel-uh-see] -noun

1. Resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself.

2. Mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3. Vigilance in maintaining or guarding something. Jealousy is viewed as a condition that disposes symptoms as a result of behavior patterns.

I highlighted the words in bold to paint a picture in the human sense. These definitions imply that there is a “threat” or “present danger” that hinders the “jealous entity” from existing, evolving, being, or achieving. I don’t like how jealousy is used in this context with God because it infers that God can be threatened. So, the question that surfaces from underneath this sea of confusion: in spite of who, where, and what He is, what reason does God have to be jealous of anything?!

Now, yes, I understand that He desires what best for us in spite of our own interest. Maybe what I don’t agree with, in the nature of the relationship, is God giving me options that He doesn’t desire me to choose. It’s very misleading. He plays the bad guy and the good guy? But, aye, versatility has its benefits though. I feel that the more rational (and by rational, I mean convenient) thing to do is disperse of all the worst options from my path. But that would be unloving, and a form of injustice, right? Furthermore, it would be impossible because “the best option” cannot exist in the absence of the worst option. If all He presented were the best options, then essentially I wouldn’t have a “choice” – free will would be nonexistent, because there’s only one available choice – the best choice. To expound on the character of God in this case, this occurrence would negate His righteousness/fairness. Fairness is synonymous to justice and balance, which exist to reveal the full spectrum of life’s structure. So, conclusively, this web of complexity means that there is a system in place to show off His awesomeness for our enjoyment (and His). We admire Him, He admires us, and everyone is smiling in harmony in the midst of that which is not ahem…best for us.

And, yes, giving praise and worship (for the non-religious – credit, acknowledgement, and respect) to material things, false gods (ahem… idols, for the non-religious), and people as the source of life (joy/happiness/etc), is a form of disrespect to the design (nature and order of the universe) and the Architect that is God. The question posed here is a rational one: why do I pay homage to God for my (our) success/progression/evolution in this perfect design called life? The “direction” of praise and worship is similar to annotating work citations in a dissertation. No idea is original, and nothing here is owned, but borrowed and shared. When you borrow something, you say “thank you”, because without the lender, you wouldn’t have been able to create, obtain, evolve, or progress. Plagiarism is not welcome in the academic community because it’s dishonest and ineffective to the betterment of the collective conscious. Well, idolatry works the same way. So, realistically, we give honor for honor that was given; ok… realistically you give honor as a statement of who you are – but aye, the choice is yours, and I’m not judging because we can all co-exist. This is a simple matter of recognition and awareness of this complex machine that is God and the universe. Now, another question bubbles from underneath this vast sea of mystery: why would God be jealous for NOT receiving recognition?

Jealousy is jealousy. As stated before, it is a condition; jealousy is not an action. It is an emotion; a feeling. Why is jealousy a sin when you’re simply feeling discomfort at the sight of something unfavorable? Some believe that anger is a sin. Yet the Old Testaments depicts God as vengeful and angry. But that’s justified, you say? So is my anger. It’s only fair. But, I won’t get into that because the point is….having an emotion is NOT a sin. Why? You are experiencing a truth about who you are in relation to something outside of yourself. How you act on this feeling, will be a statement of your heart.

Jealousy is also a product of an egotistical mindset. The mind of an ego is ambitious and possesses insatiable desires that it’s willing to use any means to appease; even if it means at the harm of others. Hence, the ego has enemies, because the ego recognizes itself as lacking in relation to an individual that is in possession of that which gives it power. Life, to the ego, is about winning, attention, possessing, controlling, owning and dominating. The ego is self centered, competitive, and believes the world should submit to its power. The ego is uncompromising, disavows the concept of sharing, and it despises neglect and rejection, unless it happens to others.

The pro in this type of spirit… you have the world, the con…you warrant some bad karmic experiences in the process. Hyper-vigilance is not fun, and when you PERCEIVE everyone to be your enemy, there’s a lack of trust, which builds insecurity and fear.

However, Mrs. Bohlin’s proclaims that when God is jealous, it does not reflect the previous, mentioned, but rather that God is “exempt” from the emotional tidal waves that come along with it. I’m not so worried about the sinfulness of jealousy at this point, but rather the experience. Does God get emotional when things don’t flow accordingly? Personally, I think not. I can’t imagine an all-powerful, free loving, confident, just, and all-knowing God going:

“(In 2000 decibel Wolverine voice) AAAAARGH! Come on!!! You’re gonna give props to the wooden donkey for this season’s harvest!!?? AAAAAAAAARRRRGH!! And you’re gonna give thanks to the copper statue with an oblong-shaped head and three horns for a child that I gave you? OOOOOH WEEEE! You really don’t know, do ya? You reaaaaally don’t know!! If I didn’t have so much compassion and understanding…ugh! You’d be gone! Like poof!! (cue cosmic storm in far away galaxy)

One who wants for nothing will choose not to be jealous because consciously he/she knows that nothing is owned, everything is borrowed, and he/she can experience whatever he/she chooses at will, without harm to others.

So through all the blasé, rhetoric, and relevant, the final question that’s left after combating with the few, the proud, the Marin….wait, no wrong quip. The few, the profound, and mysteriously perplexing inquiries is: would God get emotional (because that’s what jealousy is) when He understands why His creations would behave in the manner that they do?

I’ll say this much….He can, but that doesn’t mean He will. My experience hasn’t shown Him to be jealous except through me (since we are one). What does your experience with Him tell you?