A Universe expressed through a Window of Experience

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Angel in a Blue Dress

No name

Curvy in all of her femininity

Face was a smooth-skinned, coffee-hued canvas

That was painted with Two-Lips that Blossomed full

No lipstick, no make-up, she was organic

Her cat-like eyes fashioned a hazel tone

They sang a song that stole me into a trance

Her gorgeously blue dress danced to the rhythm of her mean walk

It hugged her like a long lost relative

Revealing the outline of her Victoria Secrets

Booty like a Chocolate Peach

Arched into a small waist, abs engraved

Slim torso that seated her medium-sized breasts

She was 5 feet 2 inches of goodness, 135 pounds of gorgeous

And an immeasurable amount of mystery

Artistically designed with symmetrical harmony throughout

Aroused me to the point of my eyes bulging as much as my jeans

I could hear the libido of this lioness growling

Enchanting me with an armor-penetrating stare

Our gravity was intense

We were swallowed in an unspoken dialogue of audible lust

A delicious grin was hibernated on her chin

My curiosity developed an enormous appetite

Grumbling…” How would her skin feel against mine?”

“How does she sound when aroused, and how loud?”

“How tight is it? How warm is she?”

“I wonder if she loves to cuddle”

Thirsty for answers, I chuckle

The silence was so fragile

It was broken with a soft “mnnn” when she slowly approached me

And openly complimented my Black Halo

Bashful, was I, fueled with glee

Requested my name, and I gave

Requested for hers, she replied “Angel…”

Angel in a blue dress…knowing that you’re fly

Modesty filled her face

Damn! I just wanted to cuff her waist

And run my lips into hers like a Linebacker’s Tackle

Passionately….slowly

Whoa! My imagination slowed down, and reality caught up

Still, we thrust seductive gazes into each other’s eyes

Asked if I was single – “yes”

Boomeranged the same question – “indeed, I am”

She was atypical; pocketing a distinct sass appeal

….but there was a blend of serenity in her aura

“Well, look, I don’t wanna waste any more time”

“I wanna get to know you….I feel like we’ve met before, you know what I mean?”

I concur with a head nod

“So, I think it would be appropriate if we meet this evening”

Reached for the phone, surrendered my digits, and captured hers

Supplied a sly glance in between numbers

“Call me around 8”

“Ok”

Eyes said the longest good-bye that I’ve never heard

Heaven-sent and Earth-guided, she walked away

But she saved the last glance for when she reached the exit

Flashed an alluring grin, and became eclipsed by the walls and the passersby

And I sigh, smiling…shaking my head

A gift of love…from another place in time

Will always travel far to find….us

ShakesFear: To have or not to have

Want: absence or deficiency of something desirable or requisite; lack: plants dying for want of rain.
“I want you” to be without or be deficient in: to want judgment; to want knowledge.

….to disconnect

Choose:
to select from a number of possibilities; pick by preference: She chose Sunday for her departure.
to prefer or decide (to do something): He chose to run for election.

Also interpreted as: to guide one’s will to an object of conscience

….to connect

Have: to get, receive, or take: to have a part in a play; to have news.

….to become

Now although the context in which these words exists are not in the highest definition, but can be understood as nouns or a verbs. Why is this relevant? A noun exists because of a verb. A choice is the result of an action. A thing is the result of kinect energy. But ultimately, it all burns down to the residual question of “what statement are you making?”

When you choose something, you are summoning your intention/will and directing it towards an object. Your will is who you are; where you guide it is what you will become. It is the energy that reaches, attaches, and returns. It is life. Yet, to want something is to make a statement of lack; which means you are not choosing to have, you are choosing not to have.

“Mom, I want this bike”
“Ok….”
“So, why aren’t you getting it?”
“Because I don’t have the funds to give you this bike. I’m not going to ask anyone for the money nor am I going to steal it”
“But I want it!!”
“I heard you the first time; you know…..you have the power to change it though. Instead of wanting it, choose to have it”
“I….um….don’t understand ”
“To want means to desire. You feel sad because you don’t have this bike. Your happiness depends on you having this bike. Yet, you’re not making choices that lead to you having the bike, dear. You’re just pawning your desires off me, when now, you are capable of having this bike just by choosing”
“I think I understand….but, how do I do that? How can I make this mine?”
“To make it yours temporarily (because nothing lasts forever) think of a way to make some money. Don’t steal and don’t cheat, though. That’s bad character; very unhealthy. Earn the money by giving a service for it. Compromise. Bargain. Then, when you have enough, exchange it for the bike”
“Ugh! That’s too much work!!”
“Well, you can choose to want the bike or choose to have the bike. Just remember, it’s your choice”
“Awwww….humph! (Folds arms)”

2 months later, he bought the bike. He cut lawns, helped kids with homework, sold some of his toys, games, and shoes (using Craigslist too), and exchanged recyclables for money. The boy was 9. Something so fundamental, right? Yet it gets overlooked in adulthood because its demoted in childhood. So the lack in childhood is carried into adulthood. The things we want the most are distant from us…because we push them away. We make louder, more boisterous declarations of our lack. “I can’t have it!!!” while contrarily, we pray for it silently to return. So we feel as if God, life, karma, or even the devil is taunting us. Envy can be healthy if harnessed properly. Jealousy can be destructive if abandoned to live freely. Irresponsibility festers in these conditions, which furthers our insecurities and demotes our self-esteem. And this demotion also affects our relationships. Sweet illusions, they become. Cake layer after cake layer we conceal the sponsor of our behavior. We deny ourselves the kingdom of God by discrediting our innate ability to manifest our desires; or even using them with malicious intent. We even jump the distance in allowing other people to affirm our lack. They say no, therefore, amen, ase, so be it all. What’s increasingly destructive is our ignorance to these faint signs. This ignorance may motivate maladaptive behavior that potentially tarnishes relationships with people and other objects of desire.

Imagine if that bike were a woman, and the boy were a man. Extract the sexual reference, and imagine the cost he has to pay to summon that woman into his life. The courage. The drive. The intelligence. The research. The labor. He may not have enough; but he’s intent on discovering the truth rather than visualizing and wanting. And then in all of his efforts, she tells him no. He doesn’t have what she is looking for, and feels apathetic to inform him on the reasons why she’s unattainable. This nourishes his ambition even further – he must have her! She has yet to satisfy his curiosity and his hunger for accomplishment. He keeps trying. And the woman perceives him as obnoxious and bull-headed. Yet, he exhibits a trait that most people struggle with – ambition. She is looking for a man with this trait, but because of his appearance, she doesn’t see it. She is alluded to unrealistic expectations. She hasn’t seen ambition like his before, and yet she wants a handsome man to carry it. Yet, she has done little to nothing in summoning these specifications in her life…..well she’s prayed….just wasn’t more specific and intent. Her character reeks of ridicule, and she suffocates him with it out of disgust and laziness to explain why he is unqualified to make her happy. So, their relationship is destined to be volatile if they aren’t aware of each other’s intentions. This poison may affect their decision-making (responsibility) for the rest of their days. How she says no may help him refine his desires. And how he looks in relation to his character may help her do the same. She would realize that ambition is indiscriminate to physical appearance, but she would feel its presence through action.

We all can help each other…..we just need to be open to investigate. And like many others, I’m often too learned to learn; cradling the Kanye West mindset that “you can’t tell me nothing“. But if we are not living, we are not learning, and if we are not learning, then we are dying.

I have felt the gravity of want for many lifetimes, and it arouses a lot of suffering. But, in recognition of my wants, I choose to have; and when I choose to be a have-not, it is absent of want. Hence, I reach a state of contentment. I used to frown on ambition, and now I understand that moderation applies to this principle. So for those out there who want….choosing to have begins with searching for a path (plan) that guides you to have; or rather….become. But always remember that what we become is temporary. There is much more to explore. I’ve encountered a few people these past few weeks who are unhappy. When asked “well what do you want?”….they don’t know. Identifying the want would help them to choose whether to keep wanting, choose to have, or choose to have not. The power of manifestation is within you. Call it and it shall be yours….if you can afford it.

Reunion with my First GF: The Importance of Chemistry

Halle-DAMN-Julah!!! ....But character doesn't equate to looks...

Halle-DAMN-Lujah!!!
….But character doesn’t equate to looks…

Ok so.….no, not the GF that I masturbated to after watching Boomerang….or maybe that was Vivica. Well, anyway…

The entire reunion was sorta surreal as it springs from the current theme in my life: revisiting my past. I’ve jogged into Alicia a few times within the past 3 years of my venture to Kuwait. But this conference was hazily snugger than the briefness of the others. I’ve always tried to make our reconnections succinct. She has always noted how much I haven’t changed when I returned, while I was stranded with the unfortunate “ah, neither have you”. It seems that her attachment to me has remained as fresh as a 2nd chance. My family is very familiar with Alicia. Being with her erupted a lot of unpredictable stress into my life; it even infected my family. She is the equivalent to my little brother’s ex-girlfriend, Bae. << That relationship was 3 times messier, however.

What attracted to me to Alicia? (Rubs chin) (Scratches chin) First glance, she looked good…at the time. She was shapely, and I liked her eyes. Her personality emanated a bizarre sweetness. It helped that she was actually interested. I was quite the nerd back then, and I was deprived the looks, confidence, and the swagger to attract any of my true high school crushes. I wasn’t drunk with adoration for Alicia as she was for me. And it was this same intoxication that motivated her to surrendering her virginity to me. Alicia was my 2nd sexual experience (we’ll discuss my first some other time – [shivers] ugh!), and it wasn’t extraordinary, but it was much better than my first. The difference: I was actually attracted to Alicia. She surrendered her virginity in my friend (older brother) Corey’s room, whom stayed with his grandmother at the time. (chuckles) Damn…the measures teens will take in order to have a taste of sex. The experience was shy of romance, but it was seemingly plump of sentimentality. I don’t remember a lot of our moments in our relationship, but I can recall a lot of the conditions that fostered it. Her family was very strict against her having relations with a guy. This placed a limitation on our quality time together. She lived in the boondocks of Colquitt County, but she knew people who lived near my project home. We seized a lot of opportunities to meet up. And with my earnings from Hardees, I would buy her things: a few clothes and a little jewelry. I was a gentleman to her, and she knew it. She would come over to our house sometimes and just chill. Heck, according to her, I helped her with her homework (which I don’t remember doing it, but it sounds like me). It was a relationship that was virtually vague of arguments, flooded with innocence, and asserted with teenage sex. Alicia was a cool chic, but she was dim-lighted with intelligence and ambition. I was engaged with college prep classes, whereas she was involved with special education. She has a learning disability, but during the genesis of our relationship, I was a bit numb to the symptoms of it. Academically, I knew I was smarter, but it wasn’t something that I assessed as a contribution to our happiness. I waivered the truth of our dialogue being faint of intellectual stimulation, and just coasted through the relationship. Essentially, I soaked in what was available; especially the sex. (laughs) I remember one time we had sex near the library right behind a garbage dumpster. It was dark, and I was walking her home; doing what protective boyfriends do. I stayed in the NW projects, and I was escorting her to the projects near the library. It was a pleasant evening walk that swept into an amateur porno scene. Ha! It was the first time I’ve ever done something like that. I was so bold in my youth. (laughs) I remember smashing that from the side in my room, on the bunk bed (top bunk), room full of people, watching the TV. (smh). One time, Eric (my best friend) walked in on us! The stroking was uninterrupted as I calmly told him to close the door. (laughs and wipes tear from eye)…..what an adventure. But, as Alicia’s grades declined, her family’s concerns grew. Her brother resented me; expected from protective brother, of course. They strictly advised her to stop seeing me. And when I got a whiff of this instruction through her, I wanted to enforce it as well. One night, she was over at my place. It was raining, and her family was unaware of her whereabouts. Imagine their agitation when after their long-winded search, she’s at the “forbidden palace of little John”. Her brother knocks on the door. She and I are in my room lamped up. And when the announcement was made that it was her family, our hearts plummeted to our stomach. She exits slowly. And as soon as her feet met the porch pavement, he hits her (this was a very hard hit, BTW) and strong-arms her to the car as he thrashed out aggressive rants. I discovered later on that our antics have been heightening her mother’s stress levels. So, in hue of this information, I broke up with her. I didn’t want the relationship to end no more than her, but the risk towered my ambition. We were dangerously infatuated for too long; my commitment to a better future was heavier than my commitment to her. I accepted the idea of us separating with ease, but Alicia regressed. She really lashed out at me. She gave me her grandmother’s necklace as a present, once. So post-break up, at school, she would harass me about it. It was her only tangible link to me. A cheap necklace! And I knew it was cheap, because I’ve bought better. I couldn’t return all the hugs, orgasms, I-love-yous and kisses that she gave me. But if I would’ve known that her love had a cost, then we would’ve never begun our love spree. Heck, I could’ve demanded that she return all the V-Day and B-Day gifts, the clothes, the shoes, and the jewelry that I bought her – but they were sentiments that served their intended purpose. Seeking their return is a form of regression and a bold, underlined statement of regret. It would mean that everything that I ever did for her was unintended. << that wasn’t me back then, and it’s not me today. I couldn’t return her grandmother’s necklace, so I bought another to settle the debt. It was in that experience that I heightened my sagacity and caution in my dealings with women. Ask more piercing questions. Be more patient. Take less, and return more; because I didn’t wanna repeat this phase. I didn’t wanna ever feel indebted to a female ever again. It’s one of the reasons why I’m reluctant to even receive love from a woman – fear that her love has a cost despite the irony of me doing the most spending. F!ck that! Keep your love, lady, mine is much better anyway. (sighs) I just felt like break-ups shouldn’t be that dramatic….especially when it’s over expendable things. The chaos that she triggered had inspired me to preserve as much distance from her as possible. She left a bitter-like imprint in my conscience. And just like that, all of the good times were devoured by a pool of darkness. I used to perceive her in a rainbow-like façade, but her reaction to the break-up tarnished it.

Furthermore….her mother died soon after….(sighs)(smh)(holds chin)

I moved on and discovered Angela via internet (this was back in 2001 when Yahoo Messenger and Blackvoices were the most popular “social networking sites”) whom would propel me into my highlight of romance and intimacy for the next 8 years. But, I definitely applied lessons learned from Alicia. Angela received much more love from me because I realized the importance of compatibility. I had a refined taste for intelligence, emotional stability, ambition, creativity, sexual appetite (and adventure), pragmatism, style, and sense of spirituality. In the areas that Alicia was lacking, Angela compensated. It was one of the reasons why I remained so committed – she had everything that I yearned for. Alicia would be remembered as the first prototype, but her successor would be a very advanced model. Angela and I shared so many commonalities. << And because of the distinctions between Angela and Alicia, I realized what aspects of a woman were important to me. I had a larger menu of interests – hence, my expectations peaked. Alicia chose worse, and I chose better.

…So it shouldn’t be astonishing as to why I turned down her proposal of hooking back up.

It was unnecessary for me to assertively (or pompously) remind her of our discordancy. She doesn’t have what I’m looking for in a woman. She hasn’t even insinuated signs of growth that resulted from our 14-year separation. Her best friend motioned against the hook up even before Alicia expressed the idea through her to me. This was the stream of texts that ensued last night.

Alicia’s friend: K! Alicia ask[ed] me to tell u she know things didn’t work back then, but [could] she get another chance of [ya’ll] being in a relationship

Me: (smiles)

Alicia’s friend: Ooookay! I like to smile [too] but that’s not an answer sir!! lol

Me: It wouldn’t work. My expectations and goals are way beyond her capacity. She’s not ready and neither am I

Me: We’re not compatible when it dwindles down to the principles of happiness

Alicia’s friend: [Yea] true; which it’s [not] hard to tell! I kind [of] try to say that to her but she [won’t] listen

Me: I like how you think Elyse

Alicia’s friend: Now it’s my turn! (smiles) but it’s clear to see. I’m still trying to help her open her eyes, and get her on her feet, let alone the level [you’re] on

There was more to the dialogue, but essentially, Elyse is a very good friend. She’s on a mission in helping Alicia become more self-reliant. In the past, Alicia has relied on a man to provide for her. Elyse is trying to lead her out of that cycle. And that is a very challenging task: helping her get a job, her own living space, and how to establish expectations of a man. But the essence of this post is centered on the realization of knowing what you are looking for based on what you don’t want. If you meet the requirements of your wishes, then you will summon a person that fits exactly what you are looking for. I don’t resent any of my relationships…but I do retain some inherent wisdom on how to approach new ones based on past relations (and television). With awareness of the mistakes (the undesirables), I’m able to refine my search for perfection. We must accept that when we seek something, we are assuming/hopeful that it is perfection. And when it’s deemed imperfect, you bless it, and you let it go so that it may serve another purpose. I’m glad that I reunited with my first girlfriend. I’ve recalled some old lessons, as I strive forward deeper into my past…remembering who I am; resolving pent up energy as I continue my search for perfection. If it’s one thing that I despise is someone who rejects someone due to the belief that they are better. I’m not claiming to be better than Alicia no more than I’m claiming a hydrogen atom is better than a nitrogen atom. You can find all the reasons why it is or isn’t, but relationships are about what works. What keeps them together? And what qualities do they bring to life…as one unit?

Chemistry…right?

~Everyone is a teacher; listen and discern…then learn~

3 Reasons to Live

The mother of my son, Reka (top) and my sister, Kita (bottom)

The mother of my son, Reka (top) and my sister, Kita (bottom)

I can be real insensitive when it comes to holidays because I don’t like being obligated to celebrate. I wrote this yesterday and decided to post this today. I wanna speak on 3 very important reasons why I live.

Markita

My sister, Markita is a two-time Mother. I have more tidbits about her children than I have about her. A generous portion of my time has been dedicated to those two, yet what I am to them is also in support of my sister’s position. I remember her telling me that her ex-boyfriend Derrick was a dwarf. It was intriguing to me especially coming from my sister; but, not as intriguing as her becoming a mother. She didn’t become a mother during high school, but in reach for an industrious license in nursing she exchanged one graduation for the other – to be a mother. I see now that she mirrors my mother’s tolerance. The family acknowledges that my sister’s culinary skills exceed our mother; and Kita sports it like a badge. She carries a silent strength, and summons it in the most critical moments. Her decision to leave Derrick can be awarded to human instinct or woman’s intuition, but that hush-hush strength was undoubtedly instrumental in propelling her to stability with the family. I’ve never been afforded an intimate observation of her caregiving skills, but she’s got it. And just like many women, she’s looking for affection and companionship. I love the fact that she doesn’t allow her career as a mother to deter her from her financial and professional goals. Kita has the caregiver spirit within her, and I sense that diving into the nursing profession is going to be a terrific marriage. Kita can be read in a couple of ways. Sometimes she’s bears this very stern I-don’t-play-that-sh!t attitude; it’s a camouflaged ferocity really. It’s not expressed with sarcasm that’s as poignant as hot-sauce. But, if she catches a hint of suspicion about you, it will be felt in a very recluse way. But usually, Kita moves like a R&B song with her soft-spoken voice that’s resembles her spirit. She endures a lot of pressure with Amari due to his bone-brittle ailment; but she’s learning. She doesn’t have time for life’s thrills. Even in the pictures that I’ve captured her in, there’s always an image of her with the kids. It seems that life has slowed down a lot for her at such an early age. She doesn’t complain about the fact that she has yet to collide recklessly in love with her aspirations. And very rarely does she nag about going to the club, the theme park, or a salon. She’s not high-maintenance nor is she ghetto. She has a very commendable balance of pragmatism and emotional content. I’m excited to see her master these aspects of her personality. Like I said, Kita is a very simple woman whom was family-oriented early in life. We always fashioned this complex closeness; supported each other, but not in the traditional brother-sister way. I never had to fight for her, and she never had to screen the women I was with……(laughs) that’s a lie….she kept an eagle eye on my ex-wife! And she was a ninja about it too (chuckles). Ultimately, I’m very excited about Kita’s career as a mother because she’s showcased her inherent capacity to love without expectation. In a few years, my sister will parallel the Oracle from the Matrix…..she just has this quiet essence that cradles so much intensity….she’s just unraveling her gifts slowly.

Reka

Reka and I are bonded by our son. And unless there’s a blood test that contests this reality, I’m going to act as such. I haven’t always respected this reality though. I’ve confessed in my previous blogs of my treachery in the midst of our relationship. We nurtured a very stable friendship that had a healthy blend of wild sex. We were very promiscuous and youthful; and with each of us coming from an impoverished lifestyle, we were on an expedition of self-discovery. I had my little sphere of women on the side, and she had her little compass of men that she kept pocketed away. We’d go clubbing together, fishing for new ventures; yet we always agreed that if we didn’t get any bites…we’d spend the night with each other. It was an adventurous life complimented by the job security that the US Army offered. It’s perplexing how all that fun dies when the unexpected is enlivened. When she announced that she was pregnant, I was cloaked in denial. I never really considered her feelings back then because of my self-centeredness. If motherhood is a type of graduation, I resented hers during those years; mainly because it involved my graduation into fatherhood. I guess I wanted to be held back a grade. I was absent for the childbirth due to my military obligations – my unit was progressing through a field training exercise in California. And when I asked my 1st Sergeant about attending the childbirth, I was denied – and I accepted it without a fight. “We need you here, Nick”. Reka needed me there. I needed to be there. What have I done differently from my father in those moments? I was unsupportive….during the pregnancy and after the birth. I remember when I even asked her if she was going to keep the baby. She was flabbergasted. But, the mixture of dismay and anger that she experienced when I refused to marry her was tiny compared to the sting of betrayal when I married Angela (whom was my ex-girlfriend at the time) 5 months later. I administered an uncompromising venom to Reka’s life from that point forward. She struggled through her military career; staggering through the hormonal storms of pregnancy while still recovering from a catastrophic heartbreak. She became vacuumed in another relationship that casted her into a field of suffering. Sarya was born, and her father supplied Reka with the same sting of betrayal that I dealt her. Over time, Reka was discharged from the Army because she couldn’t adapt to the added pressure of her life. This is in light of a deployment to Iraq and caring for a child…solo. The 6 years that succeeded afterwards would be an unprecedented ocean of deterred hopes and overwhelming conflicts. She sought solace back in Florida, gathering the shards of her dreams, and molding what she could out of them. And I would maintain my stride as a married man complimented with a successful career and the spoils of a lavish lifestyle. Was it fair to her? Some would call her a fool for love, yet disappointments are packaged with the gift of life. I’m glad she issued a child support order back then, because somehow, she managed to survive on that plus welfare. She was always resisted in receiving support; this resistance has always motivated her in being self-sufficient. << She’s still working on that.  I admire the fact that she never gave up. All women don’t accept the call of motherhood; they let that phone ring off the hook as they’re out at the club marketing themselves for marriage and exotic sexcapades. I also admire her courage in cutting through the webs of resentment that she had towards me.

She forgave me in 2009. And I forgave myself as well. And from that meadow of forgiveness, we streamed toward making a better future for the kids.

Reka may not be the most resourceful or the most intelligent, but she has spirit. She’s endured a blizzard of disappointments, and yet still, her heart remains warm enough to shelter her kids alone at times. And in her stride to support her labeled friends and family, she has muscled through more betrayal than I have. Consequently, I’m not sure if I would be able to accomplish what I have without her contributing so much energy to the kids…even if we were on a discord on parenting methods. We differ in a lot of ways, but I’m proud that she’s the mother of my child. A lot of black men don’t and won’t say that about their children’s mother in this era. She’s matured over the 8+ years that I’ve known her. And often, when I think about her, the 2nd verse to Geto Heaven (Pt. 2) settles in mind….the 2nd verse stands out the most. Deep down, I want for her what I want for all women….independence.

Love, your happiness don’t begin with a man
Strong woman, why should you depend on a man
I understand you want a man that’s resourceful
If he pay your bills, he feel like he bought you
Talkin to a friend, about what love is
Her man didn’t love her, ’cause he didn’t love his
Hugged her from afar, said what I felt
You never find a man, till you find yourself
Time helps mistakes, you can learn from
One man fucked up, but  you shouldn’t turn from
A certain type of guy, gotta reach a certain point too
At the destination, a king will annoint you
Goin through the storm, many bodies stay warm
That relationship died, for you to be born, you worth more
Than anything you could cop in a store
For you to grow he had to go so what you stoppin him for
Not even I could ignore bein alone it’s hard
Find heaven in yourself and god – Common

Denise

I’m writing a book about my mother….and it’s not for sale. My life’s experience with her is the book itself; occasionally I capture her on film and with words as a reminder. On the morning of Mother’s Day (1am), I delivered a gift to her. First, I relayed the gift that came from Eric, whom I mentioned before is an extended family member. My mother is not so enthusiastic in receiving gifts as she is giving them; simple acknowledgement is enough. But she shows the appreciation because she knows from experience that life begets life. We talked to Eric via Kinect on the XBOX 360 for a while. When we concluded the dialogue, I used the app on the XBOX 360 dashboard to bring up this video…..followed by the video from yesterday. And yes…there were tears, hugs, and smiles.

 

For now, little needs to be said or written….we are what we are. And it’s forever a sterling truth.

I’m living to make sure that I support these 3 women in my life. They don’t ask for a whole lot, and they’re not difficult to satisfy. It is within my power to give them more because of this awareness. They weren’t afforded the best schools or the more furnished economic lifestyles, but they’ve multiplied so much with so little. << That requires creativity, will, and observation. They’ve taught me a lot about being a father without really teaching, but just being. My family life relies heavily on their existence…and since I’ve been home, it’s been evermore …a…parent.

I look at my left hand as I conclude this journal entry. Under my index finger is a cross. This cross (in this specifically area of my hand) indicates a successful family life. I see now that these 3 women are instrumental in making this marking on my palm true to life. They are celestial planets of my destiny, enforcing my purpose. And I thank the Prime Creator for their presence.

Time Travelling with the Messengers of Love

Today my emotional pond has been quite the stir.

The source: family

Family is where most of my loyalty lives. My core family knows who I truly am no matter how many times I mutate – no matter what persona I put on for the public eye. When I’m around them, I’m a little more vulnerable; not always…but it happens a lot easier because I know them, and they know me. It’s not that way for everyone, and I’m appreciative that we coalesce the way we do.

Today, after a solid workout with my sister-in-law, I spent a little time with my nephew Jaiden. I accompany him as he goes solo player with his toys. I bubbled into tears as I reflected on my 3 month journey in deepening my relationship with him. The transition from me being no name to uncle to now…Uncle Eric shoves me emotionally. The first month, I’ve been conditioning him to call me uncle; one day he just promptly called me Uncle Eric. As it is commonly spoken, it’s the small things that mean so much. It’s been an intensely sentimental experiment, and he’s yield some surprising growth spurts. Surveying his growth has been harshly invigorating, as I witness the patience pour out of me when I respond to him. I’ve found the balance of my father’s sternness and my mother’s compassion when dealing with him. I smile more when I watch him play in solitude, dripping with admiration for his imaginative exploits and his coddled innocence. He reminds me so much of myself as a kid; playing alone – fabricating fictional friends that fit his protocol of play. I’m tickled by his boisterous narratives as I secretly pray that he retains that essence into his elder years. His charisma is heartfelt, and at the apex of it all, I reserve supreme confidence in Jaiden’s ability to be a great brother to his younger brother, Amari. Jaiden has been human for 3 years, and he’s been teaching his little brother how to play, speak, and behave; his compassion is admirable. He’s in a good position as an older brother showing acceptance of his responsibility early in his developments. Amari definitely shows signs of trailing his older brother. They seem to recognize their roles in each other’s lives as they’re protective of each other. The love is present, and the most inspiring thing is that none of this was taught! I observe the next generation of our family…and I feel good about where the destiny that the love instilled will flow.

But the essence of this post is about memories. Legacies.

My financial depression has recalled me to the realization that money does not define character. I have loved my family from lengthy distances. But, this distant love was given with the intention of providing what we have always lacked – economic stability. We experienced homelessness for a brief period when I was about 6. My mom was still recovering from two abusive relationships (my father and my little brother’s), and abandonment from my sister’s father. She enters a relationship with a religious man named John whom seemed very well-rounded and stable. That is, until we moved to Alabama…..with his mom, whom resented my mother. Eventually, we had to move out, and we vacated to a Waffle House. My mother had no job, no savings, and 3 kids; the hue of this bleak circumstance would make a woman wanna fade into nothingness and just give up. As a child, I didn’t know the severity of the situation, but I was aware of what was going on. I remember the mysterious man who bought us food and referred us to Salvation Army. From that point on, we were on the rise back to stability. But it was in the thicket of those moments that I realize what we didn’t have, and what I believed we should have in order to be happy. So I made it a priority to do whatever it took to make sure that my mother and my family were safeguarded from that level of poverty. From elementary school towards high school, I reached for excellence by exercising the system towards my benefit. In all of my endeavors, my purpose in life was to make my mother proud. Her expression was my gauge for success. From living in trailers to living in the projects, we persevered. Our lifestyle motivated my strides to travel and search for more. No matter where I travelled, I always returned home to add sentiments to our legacy.

The side effects of paper-chasing: money becomes the primary method of problem-solving and bonding, which will lead to a lack of emotional substance, virtue, and character.

Being financially depressed will not only reveal the presence of a transcending love, but its intensity and form. We are less than 12 hours from an official Mother’s Day, and I have packaged a gift for my mother – but it’s something that I feel that my whole family can share. I laced together a slideshow/song combo for tomorrow. It’s fascinating what a few pictures, a beat, and some words will conjure. Of course, it’s all about the meaning. The creation course has offered a large entrée of fulfillment along with few side orders of sentimentality. I’ve cried during the course of creating this compilation – capturing the substance of the memories. Thinking to myself that my financial health may not equate to mountains, but I’ve endured an extraordinary life that transcends them. I have a solar system of relatives, and their presence catapults my pride beyond the stars. During my search for mementos to stitch into the slideshow, I found a video that was captured by my best friend Eric. He’s more like an older brother, truthfully. Ever since our move to Regency Village in Moultrie, he’s been accepted as one of us. The chemistry was just a statement of perfection. 18+ years we’ve maintained our bond. He’s always been family-oriented. He’s always been prone to capturing the moment….so our Black Peter Parker captured these deep-rooted emotional scenes of our reunion.

We have a few dysfunctions in our family, but they don’t overshadow the cohesions. If anything, they glorify the love that’s present. What I value the most about my family is that we extend our legacy. We multiply it within this tight-laced sphere, and then like the Big Bang – it scatters; creating new worlds, and unfolding new possibilities. But this love always returns to the Singularity – my mother. Everyone isn’t approved for the opportunity to meet my mother personally, but they receive a representation through each of her children. We’re all very protective of her in our own unique way because she is the core of who we truly are. Yet still, we retain our paternal essences. And as we strive to each become autonomous, we continue to solidify our union whenever we’re cognizant of its presence.

As effective as I am as a wordsmith, my definition of family transcends words.

Saturday Morning

You always retain a shard of your child-like essence when you continue to dream…..whether practically or wildly. I heard this instrumental, and what came to my mind was “Saturday Morning”. So I imagined a Saturday Morning from another life that I lived. Whether labeled past or future, it happened in my mind, therefore, it exists. Aside from this playful dream venture, when I look at this video….it reminds me of a motherboard in a machine. I see correlation of the towers. I see correlation of information moving at the speed of light. The digital world is materializing as we complete our orbits around the sun. It fits that I think about the future of civilization as I dream of happiness that lives with it.

My eyes open, sunshine peeking through blinds

Like it wants to say “Hi”, I take a deep sigh

It’s 7:25 and I’m laying beside

A Light Skinned Honey, left thigh over mine

No panties, no bra, big ass, Slow Hands

Moving like a Slow Jam

Woke her up, gotta quickie

Plus a few more hickies…15 …Minutes in the shower

Walked by her, gave a fresh squeeze on her left cheek

Like the orange juice that was fresh squeezed in the next hour

French toast with a bowl of fruit, SpongeBob on the flat screen

And then junior walked in looking half-sleep

….”Rise divine, Young Jedi”, said I

As he was wiping his left eye

Beautify the castle, beginning with the yard, first

Teach my son the definition of hard work

It’s Yoga Fire how we’re Burning off calories

Watering the garden, I mean, the Food Gallery

….Neighbor gave a head nod

Runners pass by the front lawn

Which is getting Cut like a BodyBuilder, sure enough

Worked it out, finished up

My seed started Sh!t-talking on the sly

Started Whooping his ass ….on Marvel vs. Capcom 5

Laughter in our chemistry

Haters off the radar, Miss me with the misery

Mrs. Skywalker and my mini-me

Cuttin’ the Wind in my brand new Infiniti

High off the Imagery, Greeted by the Ocean, so many Waves

Lampin’ in the shade

Toes in the sand, Ice Cubes in my Lemonade

Hey! I gotta say..Today was a Good Day

TNT: Triumphs and Tragedies

           triumph and tragedy

It seems that I’m losing my momentum….again. I’ve spoken to my son’s mother just to gain some insight on their situation. The pressure increases, and I’m reminded of the impact my financial contributions have made over the years. Suffering in close proximity with the family is a guilty privilege, it seems. I’m reminded of all the times I served in the Army. I joined for many reasons, but serving my country was never one of them. I always felt like I was serving my family and my future. My 2.9 year marathon in Kuwait was a continuation of that ideal. And I always wondered where my money vanished to after all of those years. Being home, I sense it all now. I have more to show for it than I can truly appreciate. Despite how I feel these days (and how unwilling I am to speak on it), I value how unique my story is with all of its tragedies and triumphs. Small mishaps sting me emotionally, making me slightly irate, silent, and recluse. And through it all, I discover moments in the form of gems that inspire a little laughter…and a few seconds of smiling. The anxiety feels like carpet burns within me as I ask “am I waiting or am I being waited on?

My minute contribution to my son’s mother has been a building block that has led to the collapse of her household. I felt helpless as she steamed her sorrows via telephone; but I felt blessed being able to even hold a civil dialogue saturated with sincere character. We had a rough beginning when I married Angie instead of her. It may seem like a b!tch move to some, but my intentions weren’t to marry Reka in the beginning. It was a summer love. We enjoyed each other’s presence during our military service. It was the equivalent to the college experience, but more intense. There was still a lot of about ourselves that we didn’t know about. With her, I learned how women (and men) can mistake forevership with youthful love. I’ll one day be able to reiterate to my son that I loved his mother back then, and I still love her now despite how I abandoned her. It seems now that she’s circling through a similar situation with her current partner. They’re the guardians of a newborn, yet their relationship is staggering like a drunk in a dark alley. One of the biggest gripes that her partner jabbed in her face was her lack of discipline in housekeeping. It was one of the reasons why I knew I wasn’t going to marry her. I’ll fuck a woman, no issue; but if she can’t maintain a clean house (finger waves) she’s getting the d!ck and a little love for a few months, but she’s not getting a contract. Why was she shocked that I knew that her renewed cleaning habits would only last for a few days? She’s grown in some ways, but her cleaning habits are about as constant as night and day.

But I’m digressing here….

She leaked how the rent was partially paid with the electric bill mirroring a likeness. Ironically, she could build a house out the debt she’s accrued. Dre has a lot of pressure on his back and shoulders as the provider; I once alleviated some of that pressure. We had a mutual understanding too; and it was comforting to know that we weren’t alone in supporting her and the kids. These days, there’s a haunting sense of inadequacy that whirls within me. I can imagine that he feels the same. The expenses outnumber the revenue like a genocidal war. And the kids are innocent civilians. The weather has been fitting for the theme – it’s been gloomy and wet. However, we intuitively know that a luminous hope still lurks beyond the depressing weather – we just need to allow it to pass like any emotion.

I didn’t exercise today. I could’ve seized the opportunity, especially since I slept 2 hours earlier than usual. I felt lazy, and I didn’t eat breakfast. But, I felt a spurt of energy from Reka’s text message which said “Just want u to know that our son is a great reader. He has read my daily quotes to me and [the] rest of the family” Blessing counted; it’s definitely worth smiling about.

Sometimes, I wonder what life would’ve been like if Reka would’ve remained enlisted in the Army; at least till the completion of her obligation. I really hope that she is able to summon a job into her life; additionally, I hope that she’s able to afford daycare for her newborn. But hope is such a mystery. There was a scene on X-Men 2 about anger and faith that latched on to me today as I left with my mom to grocery shop.

Nightcrawler: Someone so beautiful should not be so angry.

Storm: Sometimes anger can help you survive.

Nightcrawler: So can faith

I paint that idea the color of intriguing because there’s some truth to what he said. Consuming faith from a possibility does yield a desirable fruit, at times. Is this wave of experience all a test of faith? The religionist would easily say yes. And I’m inclined to concur. I’m  just so eager to get back to the point where I was reading books and philosophizing about life with my head in the clouds, and my third eye extending towards the universe. Instead, my focus is on wrestling with these daily strongholds. I had space to do that with all the financial weights being lifted. I’m not complaining, but it’s definitely not exciting period.

Today, my mother, Donte, and I journeyed to Talecris Plasma Center in Albany in an attempt to make a little money. I guess it would’ve been more convenient to call first, and gain some intel on the status of the institution. We arrived around noon only to leave as soon as we walked in. The place was smothered with stoic faces whom were eager to exchange their life-force for money. For some, this was a legit part-time job. However, the trip wasn’t born in vanity. Mom salvaged our efforts by suggesting a visit to Patrick’s house to show a little love. It was a warm visit, and it compensated for the feeling of being unaccomplished. We spoke about a lot, and even joked about my mother dating a white guy; yet in the fabric of seriousness, I advised her that she needs to consider the pond she is fishing in. Personally, as much as I admire the women here in the south, I’ve rarely come across any that really grasp my attention for marriage. Yes, there is some hint of generalization in this statement, but it’s based on personal experience. What I have learned about prejudice is that instead of me getting upset about someone’s prejudice, it’s more profitable to be the difference and allow the effects to alter it. For now, mom and I have agreed to yield safe friendships while in this pond…..

…it’s good to know that we’re saving for the same flight into other ponds though…

Kita and the nephews also voyaged from the house today with Titi. It seems that their support system is profitable. Kita is becoming a little more organized, and she’s learning a lot from her sister. It’s great to see these young women nourishing and educating each other during these struggles. For the Capitalist, life is a race. Who will seize the opportunity first? For the consumer, life is a marathon. How much stamina do you have? Jaiden is developing fairly well, and Amari is also despite his physical limitations. I’ve really summoned some patience with Jaiden. At times I tend to relapse, but I balance myself as I recall that he’s still learning, and repetition harvests results. He seems to be enjoying the toys that I bought him (thanks to Comfort, who supplied me the funds – what a woman!). And I’ve noticed that he’s been crying A LOT LESS these past few weeks. I guess all of that time spent with him is really effective. Getting him these toys really boosted his spirits too. He’s been speaking better, and displaying his intelligence significantly. Aside from that, I think it’s a terribly wonderful thing that he still reserves faith in his father. The family preserves his innocence ignorantly by allowing him to perceive his father in a heroic hue. I don’t know who’s more fortunate, Jaiden, or his father; because his father surely doesn’t know how much his son truly admires him. I can’t camouflage my feelings of being touched by his love for his father. He doesn’t know of the demons that shackle his father in servitude. And right now, adding that ingredient to this young one’s perception…..is irrelevant.

My introductory class has been streaming along smoothly, and there’s no need for me to elaborate. The first entrée will approach in a couple of weeks. And my fast from Facebook has been successful as I realize how much it has affected my focus and my mannerisms now that I’m living without it. And I’ve been writing more lyrics lately too. My TranscenDance mixtape didn’t receive the marketing attention that I wished for it. I’m working on another project just because. There’s going to be few expectations for this one, and it definitely won’t be for everyone to listen to. And really, I don’t give a fuck.

Although I broke the handle on the bathroom sink, I did enjoy movie time with my mom and my brother Monte (for the 30 minutes that he stayed) as we were sucked into Pains and Gains. It was an effective medicine to dissolve the symptoms of worry and anxiety even for a short while. And as the movie ended, the symptoms began surfacing slowly as reality settled into my conscience. Above all, I’m still waiting on a response for this truck driving path. It’s becoming intolerable to be here in this experience, knowing that there’s more beyond this veil.

But I say things like this when I’m sweltering in my emotions….and this is why I stay in my shell. Saying how I feel can be an irrational event…(shrugs)….and in my stride for better days, Hip Hop carried me to the words below…..she is one that hardly ever disappoints. So reliable. So trustworthy. It’s no wonder why I married her….the things she makes me say…. (sighs)

Showered in the sunshine, dried off in the shade

Spring gave birth to a hot summer day

…..Fresh air, long walk, short stride

Exercise my body as I calm my mind

Yea, peace in, peace out

Increase the hope, decrease the doubt

The aroma of forgiveness in the atmosphere

…..All love, no fear

My little brother got a new day job

Politics and religion took a day off

War didn’t get Paid, so it Quit

I got a Wealth of Health and Donated a Gang of Blood to a Crip

….And I’m feeling more clever

Ever so strong, but I’m stronger than Ever

At least for today, running with me is my imagination

These are my vibrations

……..Will finish soon….

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