….But character doesn’t equate to looks…
Ok so.….no, not the GF that I masturbated to after watching Boomerang….or maybe that was Vivica. Well, anyway…
The entire reunion was sorta surreal as it springs from the current theme in my life: revisiting my past. I’ve jogged into Alicia a few times within the past 3 years of my venture to Kuwait. But this conference was hazily snugger than the briefness of the others. I’ve always tried to make our reconnections succinct. She has always noted how much I haven’t changed when I returned, while I was stranded with the unfortunate “ah, neither have you”. It seems that her attachment to me has remained as fresh as a 2nd chance. My family is very familiar with Alicia. Being with her erupted a lot of unpredictable stress into my life; it even infected my family. She is the equivalent to my little brother’s ex-girlfriend, Bae. << That relationship was 3 times messier, however.
What attracted to me to Alicia? (Rubs chin) (Scratches chin) First glance, she looked good…at the time. She was shapely, and I liked her eyes. Her personality emanated a bizarre sweetness. It helped that she was actually interested. I was quite the nerd back then, and I was deprived the looks, confidence, and the swagger to attract any of my true high school crushes. I wasn’t drunk with adoration for Alicia as she was for me. And it was this same intoxication that motivated her to surrendering her virginity to me. Alicia was my 2nd sexual experience (we’ll discuss my first some other time – [shivers] ugh!), and it wasn’t extraordinary, but it was much better than my first. The difference: I was actually attracted to Alicia. She surrendered her virginity in my friend (older brother) Corey’s room, whom stayed with his grandmother at the time. (chuckles) Damn…the measures teens will take in order to have a taste of sex. The experience was shy of romance, but it was seemingly plump of sentimentality. I don’t remember a lot of our moments in our relationship, but I can recall a lot of the conditions that fostered it. Her family was very strict against her having relations with a guy. This placed a limitation on our quality time together. She lived in the boondocks of Colquitt County, but she knew people who lived near my project home. We seized a lot of opportunities to meet up. And with my earnings from Hardees, I would buy her things: a few clothes and a little jewelry. I was a gentleman to her, and she knew it. She would come over to our house sometimes and just chill. Heck, according to her, I helped her with her homework (which I don’t remember doing it, but it sounds like me). It was a relationship that was virtually vague of arguments, flooded with innocence, and asserted with teenage sex. Alicia was a cool chic, but she was dim-lighted with intelligence and ambition. I was engaged with college prep classes, whereas she was involved with special education. She has a learning disability, but during the genesis of our relationship, I was a bit numb to the symptoms of it. Academically, I knew I was smarter, but it wasn’t something that I assessed as a contribution to our happiness. I waivered the truth of our dialogue being faint of intellectual stimulation, and just coasted through the relationship. Essentially, I soaked in what was available; especially the sex. (laughs) I remember one time we had sex near the library right behind a garbage dumpster. It was dark, and I was walking her home; doing what protective boyfriends do. I stayed in the NW projects, and I was escorting her to the projects near the library. It was a pleasant evening walk that swept into an amateur porno scene. Ha! It was the first time I’ve ever done something like that. I was so bold in my youth. (laughs) I remember smashing that from the side in my room, on the bunk bed (top bunk), room full of people, watching the TV. (smh). One time, Eric (my best friend) walked in on us! The stroking was uninterrupted as I calmly told him to close the door. (laughs and wipes tear from eye)…..what an adventure. But, as Alicia’s grades declined, her family’s concerns grew. Her brother resented me; expected from protective brother, of course. They strictly advised her to stop seeing me. And when I got a whiff of this instruction through her, I wanted to enforce it as well. One night, she was over at my place. It was raining, and her family was unaware of her whereabouts. Imagine their agitation when after their long-winded search, she’s at the “forbidden palace of little John”. Her brother knocks on the door. She and I are in my room lamped up. And when the announcement was made that it was her family, our hearts plummeted to our stomach. She exits slowly. And as soon as her feet met the porch pavement, he hits her (this was a very hard hit, BTW) and strong-arms her to the car as he thrashed out aggressive rants. I discovered later on that our antics have been heightening her mother’s stress levels. So, in hue of this information, I broke up with her. I didn’t want the relationship to end no more than her, but the risk towered my ambition. We were dangerously infatuated for too long; my commitment to a better future was heavier than my commitment to her. I accepted the idea of us separating with ease, but Alicia regressed. She really lashed out at me. She gave me her grandmother’s necklace as a present, once. So post-break up, at school, she would harass me about it. It was her only tangible link to me. A cheap necklace! And I knew it was cheap, because I’ve bought better. I couldn’t return all the hugs, orgasms, I-love-yous and kisses that she gave me. But if I would’ve known that her love had a cost, then we would’ve never begun our love spree. Heck, I could’ve demanded that she return all the V-Day and B-Day gifts, the clothes, the shoes, and the jewelry that I bought her – but they were sentiments that served their intended purpose. Seeking their return is a form of regression and a bold, underlined statement of regret. It would mean that everything that I ever did for her was unintended. << that wasn’t me back then, and it’s not me today. I couldn’t return her grandmother’s necklace, so I bought another to settle the debt. It was in that experience that I heightened my sagacity and caution in my dealings with women. Ask more piercing questions. Be more patient. Take less, and return more; because I didn’t wanna repeat this phase. I didn’t wanna ever feel indebted to a female ever again. It’s one of the reasons why I’m reluctant to even receive love from a woman – fear that her love has a cost despite the irony of me doing the most spending. F!ck that! Keep your love, lady, mine is much better anyway. (sighs) I just felt like break-ups shouldn’t be that dramatic….especially when it’s over expendable things. The chaos that she triggered had inspired me to preserve as much distance from her as possible. She left a bitter-like imprint in my conscience. And just like that, all of the good times were devoured by a pool of darkness. I used to perceive her in a rainbow-like façade, but her reaction to the break-up tarnished it.
Furthermore….her mother died soon after….(sighs)(smh)(holds chin)
I moved on and discovered Angela via internet (this was back in 2001 when Yahoo Messenger and Blackvoices were the most popular “social networking sites”) whom would propel me into my highlight of romance and intimacy for the next 8 years. But, I definitely applied lessons learned from Alicia. Angela received much more love from me because I realized the importance of compatibility. I had a refined taste for intelligence, emotional stability, ambition, creativity, sexual appetite (and adventure), pragmatism, style, and sense of spirituality. In the areas that Alicia was lacking, Angela compensated. It was one of the reasons why I remained so committed – she had everything that I yearned for. Alicia would be remembered as the first prototype, but her successor would be a very advanced model. Angela and I shared so many commonalities. << And because of the distinctions between Angela and Alicia, I realized what aspects of a woman were important to me. I had a larger menu of interests – hence, my expectations peaked. Alicia chose worse, and I chose better.
…So it shouldn’t be astonishing as to why I turned down her proposal of hooking back up.
It was unnecessary for me to assertively (or pompously) remind her of our discordancy. She doesn’t have what I’m looking for in a woman. She hasn’t even insinuated signs of growth that resulted from our 14-year separation. Her best friend motioned against the hook up even before Alicia expressed the idea through her to me. This was the stream of texts that ensued last night.
Alicia’s friend: K! Alicia ask[ed] me to tell u she know things didn’t work back then, but [could] she get another chance of [ya’ll] being in a relationship
Alicia’s friend: Ooookay! I like to smile [too] but that’s not an answer sir!! lol
Me: It wouldn’t work. My expectations and goals are way beyond her capacity. She’s not ready and neither am I
Me: We’re not compatible when it dwindles down to the principles of happiness
Alicia’s friend: [Yea] true; which it’s [not] hard to tell! I kind [of] try to say that to her but she [won’t] listen
Me: I like how you think Elyse
Alicia’s friend: Now it’s my turn! (smiles) but it’s clear to see. I’m still trying to help her open her eyes, and get her on her feet, let alone the level [you’re] on
There was more to the dialogue, but essentially, Elyse is a very good friend. She’s on a mission in helping Alicia become more self-reliant. In the past, Alicia has relied on a man to provide for her. Elyse is trying to lead her out of that cycle. And that is a very challenging task: helping her get a job, her own living space, and how to establish expectations of a man. But the essence of this post is centered on the realization of knowing what you are looking for based on what you don’t want. If you meet the requirements of your wishes, then you will summon a person that fits exactly what you are looking for. I don’t resent any of my relationships…but I do retain some inherent wisdom on how to approach new ones based on past relations (and television). With awareness of the mistakes (the undesirables), I’m able to refine my search for perfection. We must accept that when we seek something, we are assuming/hopeful that it is perfection. And when it’s deemed imperfect, you bless it, and you let it go so that it may serve another purpose. I’m glad that I reunited with my first girlfriend. I’ve recalled some old lessons, as I strive forward deeper into my past…remembering who I am; resolving pent up energy as I continue my search for perfection. If it’s one thing that I despise is someone who rejects someone due to the belief that they are better. I’m not claiming to be better than Alicia no more than I’m claiming a hydrogen atom is better than a nitrogen atom. You can find all the reasons why it is or isn’t, but relationships are about what works. What keeps them together? And what qualities do they bring to life…as one unit?
~Everyone is a teacher; listen and discern…then learn~
The mother of my son, Reka (top) and my sister, Kita (bottom)
I can be real insensitive when it comes to holidays because I don’t like being obligated to celebrate. I wrote this yesterday and decided to post this today. I wanna speak on 3 very important reasons why I live.
My sister, Markita is a two-time Mother. I have more tidbits about her children than I have about her. A generous portion of my time has been dedicated to those two, yet what I am to them is also in support of my sister’s position. I remember her telling me that her ex-boyfriend Derrick was a dwarf. It was intriguing to me especially coming from my sister; but, not as intriguing as her becoming a mother. She didn’t become a mother during high school, but in reach for an industrious license in nursing she exchanged one graduation for the other – to be a mother. I see now that she mirrors my mother’s tolerance. The family acknowledges that my sister’s culinary skills exceed our mother; and Kita sports it like a badge. She carries a silent strength, and summons it in the most critical moments. Her decision to leave Derrick can be awarded to human instinct or woman’s intuition, but that hush-hush strength was undoubtedly instrumental in propelling her to stability with the family. I’ve never been afforded an intimate observation of her caregiving skills, but she’s got it. And just like many women, she’s looking for affection and companionship. I love the fact that she doesn’t allow her career as a mother to deter her from her financial and professional goals. Kita has the caregiver spirit within her, and I sense that diving into the nursing profession is going to be a terrific marriage. Kita can be read in a couple of ways. Sometimes she’s bears this very stern I-don’t-play-that-sh!t attitude; it’s a camouflaged ferocity really. It’s not expressed with sarcasm that’s as poignant as hot-sauce. But, if she catches a hint of suspicion about you, it will be felt in a very recluse way. But usually, Kita moves like a R&B song with her soft-spoken voice that’s resembles her spirit. She endures a lot of pressure with Amari due to his bone-brittle ailment; but she’s learning. She doesn’t have time for life’s thrills. Even in the pictures that I’ve captured her in, there’s always an image of her with the kids. It seems that life has slowed down a lot for her at such an early age. She doesn’t complain about the fact that she has yet to collide recklessly in love with her aspirations. And very rarely does she nag about going to the club, the theme park, or a salon. She’s not high-maintenance nor is she ghetto. She has a very commendable balance of pragmatism and emotional content. I’m excited to see her master these aspects of her personality. Like I said, Kita is a very simple woman whom was family-oriented early in life. We always fashioned this complex closeness; supported each other, but not in the traditional brother-sister way. I never had to fight for her, and she never had to screen the women I was with……(laughs) that’s a lie….she kept an eagle eye on my ex-wife! And she was a ninja about it too (chuckles). Ultimately, I’m very excited about Kita’s career as a mother because she’s showcased her inherent capacity to love without expectation. In a few years, my sister will parallel the Oracle from the Matrix…..she just has this quiet essence that cradles so much intensity….she’s just unraveling her gifts slowly.
Reka and I are bonded by our son. And unless there’s a blood test that contests this reality, I’m going to act as such. I haven’t always respected this reality though. I’ve confessed in my previous blogs of my treachery in the midst of our relationship. We nurtured a very stable friendship that had a healthy blend of wild sex. We were very promiscuous and youthful; and with each of us coming from an impoverished lifestyle, we were on an expedition of self-discovery. I had my little sphere of women on the side, and she had her little compass of men that she kept pocketed away. We’d go clubbing together, fishing for new ventures; yet we always agreed that if we didn’t get any bites…we’d spend the night with each other. It was an adventurous life complimented by the job security that the US Army offered. It’s perplexing how all that fun dies when the unexpected is enlivened. When she announced that she was pregnant, I was cloaked in denial. I never really considered her feelings back then because of my self-centeredness. If motherhood is a type of graduation, I resented hers during those years; mainly because it involved my graduation into fatherhood. I guess I wanted to be held back a grade. I was absent for the childbirth due to my military obligations – my unit was progressing through a field training exercise in California. And when I asked my 1st Sergeant about attending the childbirth, I was denied – and I accepted it without a fight. “We need you here, Nick”. Reka needed me there. I needed to be there. What have I done differently from my father in those moments? I was unsupportive….during the pregnancy and after the birth. I remember when I even asked her if she was going to keep the baby. She was flabbergasted. But, the mixture of dismay and anger that she experienced when I refused to marry her was tiny compared to the sting of betrayal when I married Angela (whom was my ex-girlfriend at the time) 5 months later. I administered an uncompromising venom to Reka’s life from that point forward. She struggled through her military career; staggering through the hormonal storms of pregnancy while still recovering from a catastrophic heartbreak. She became vacuumed in another relationship that casted her into a field of suffering. Sarya was born, and her father supplied Reka with the same sting of betrayal that I dealt her. Over time, Reka was discharged from the Army because she couldn’t adapt to the added pressure of her life. This is in light of a deployment to Iraq and caring for a child…solo. The 6 years that succeeded afterwards would be an unprecedented ocean of deterred hopes and overwhelming conflicts. She sought solace back in Florida, gathering the shards of her dreams, and molding what she could out of them. And I would maintain my stride as a married man complimented with a successful career and the spoils of a lavish lifestyle. Was it fair to her? Some would call her a fool for love, yet disappointments are packaged with the gift of life. I’m glad she issued a child support order back then, because somehow, she managed to survive on that plus welfare. She was always resisted in receiving support; this resistance has always motivated her in being self-sufficient. << She’s still working on that. I admire the fact that she never gave up. All women don’t accept the call of motherhood; they let that phone ring off the hook as they’re out at the club marketing themselves for marriage and exotic sexcapades. I also admire her courage in cutting through the webs of resentment that she had towards me.
She forgave me in 2009. And I forgave myself as well. And from that meadow of forgiveness, we streamed toward making a better future for the kids.
Reka may not be the most resourceful or the most intelligent, but she has spirit. She’s endured a blizzard of disappointments, and yet still, her heart remains warm enough to shelter her kids alone at times. And in her stride to support her labeled friends and family, she has muscled through more betrayal than I have. Consequently, I’m not sure if I would be able to accomplish what I have without her contributing so much energy to the kids…even if we were on a discord on parenting methods. We differ in a lot of ways, but I’m proud that she’s the mother of my child. A lot of black men don’t and won’t say that about their children’s mother in this era. She’s matured over the 8+ years that I’ve known her. And often, when I think about her, the 2nd verse to Geto Heaven (Pt. 2) settles in mind….the 2nd verse stands out the most. Deep down, I want for her what I want for all women….independence.
Love, your happiness don’t begin with a man
Strong woman, why should you depend on a man
I understand you want a man that’s resourceful
If he pay your bills, he feel like he bought you
Talkin to a friend, about what love is
Her man didn’t love her, ’cause he didn’t love his
Hugged her from afar, said what I felt
You never find a man, till you find yourself
Time helps mistakes, you can learn from
One man fucked up, but you shouldn’t turn from
A certain type of guy, gotta reach a certain point too
At the destination, a king will annoint you
Goin through the storm, many bodies stay warm
That relationship died, for you to be born, you worth more
Than anything you could cop in a store
For you to grow he had to go so what you stoppin him for
Not even I could ignore bein alone it’s hard
Find heaven in yourself and god – Common
I’m writing a book about my mother….and it’s not for sale. My life’s experience with her is the book itself; occasionally I capture her on film and with words as a reminder. On the morning of Mother’s Day (1am), I delivered a gift to her. First, I relayed the gift that came from Eric, whom I mentioned before is an extended family member. My mother is not so enthusiastic in receiving gifts as she is giving them; simple acknowledgement is enough. But she shows the appreciation because she knows from experience that life begets life. We talked to Eric via Kinect on the XBOX 360 for a while. When we concluded the dialogue, I used the app on the XBOX 360 dashboard to bring up this video…..followed by the video from yesterday. And yes…there were tears, hugs, and smiles.
For now, little needs to be said or written….we are what we are. And it’s forever a sterling truth.
I’m living to make sure that I support these 3 women in my life. They don’t ask for a whole lot, and they’re not difficult to satisfy. It is within my power to give them more because of this awareness. They weren’t afforded the best schools or the more furnished economic lifestyles, but they’ve multiplied so much with so little. << That requires creativity, will, and observation. They’ve taught me a lot about being a father without really teaching, but just being. My family life relies heavily on their existence…and since I’ve been home, it’s been evermore …a…parent.
I look at my left hand as I conclude this journal entry. Under my index finger is a cross. This cross (in this specifically area of my hand) indicates a successful family life. I see now that these 3 women are instrumental in making this marking on my palm true to life. They are celestial planets of my destiny, enforcing my purpose. And I thank the Prime Creator for their presence.