It seems that I’m losing my momentum….again. I’ve spoken to my son’s mother just to gain some insight on their situation. The pressure increases, and I’m reminded of the impact my financial contributions have made over the years. Suffering in close proximity with the family is a guilty privilege, it seems. I’m reminded of all the times I served in the Army. I joined for many reasons, but serving my country was never one of them. I always felt like I was serving my family and my future. My 2.9 year marathon in Kuwait was a continuation of that ideal. And I always wondered where my money vanished to after all of those years. Being home, I sense it all now. I have more to show for it than I can truly appreciate. Despite how I feel these days (and how unwilling I am to speak on it), I value how unique my story is with all of its tragedies and triumphs. Small mishaps sting me emotionally, making me slightly irate, silent, and recluse. And through it all, I discover moments in the form of gems that inspire a little laughter…and a few seconds of smiling. The anxiety feels like carpet burns within me as I ask “am I waiting or am I being waited on?”
My minute contribution to my son’s mother has been a building block that has led to the collapse of her household. I felt helpless as she steamed her sorrows via telephone; but I felt blessed being able to even hold a civil dialogue saturated with sincere character. We had a rough beginning when I married Angie instead of her. It may seem like a b!tch move to some, but my intentions weren’t to marry Reka in the beginning. It was a summer love. We enjoyed each other’s presence during our military service. It was the equivalent to the college experience, but more intense. There was still a lot of about ourselves that we didn’t know about. With her, I learned how women (and men) can mistake forevership with youthful love. I’ll one day be able to reiterate to my son that I loved his mother back then, and I still love her now despite how I abandoned her. It seems now that she’s circling through a similar situation with her current partner. They’re the guardians of a newborn, yet their relationship is staggering like a drunk in a dark alley. One of the biggest gripes that her partner jabbed in her face was her lack of discipline in housekeeping. It was one of the reasons why I knew I wasn’t going to marry her. I’ll fuck a woman, no issue; but if she can’t maintain a clean house (finger waves) she’s getting the d!ck and a little love for a few months, but she’s not getting a contract. Why was she shocked that I knew that her renewed cleaning habits would only last for a few days? She’s grown in some ways, but her cleaning habits are about as constant as night and day.
But I’m digressing here….
She leaked how the rent was partially paid with the electric bill mirroring a likeness. Ironically, she could build a house out the debt she’s accrued. Dre has a lot of pressure on his back and shoulders as the provider; I once alleviated some of that pressure. We had a mutual understanding too; and it was comforting to know that we weren’t alone in supporting her and the kids. These days, there’s a haunting sense of inadequacy that whirls within me. I can imagine that he feels the same. The expenses outnumber the revenue like a genocidal war. And the kids are innocent civilians. The weather has been fitting for the theme – it’s been gloomy and wet. However, we intuitively know that a luminous hope still lurks beyond the depressing weather – we just need to allow it to pass like any emotion.
I didn’t exercise today. I could’ve seized the opportunity, especially since I slept 2 hours earlier than usual. I felt lazy, and I didn’t eat breakfast. But, I felt a spurt of energy from Reka’s text message which said “Just want u to know that our son is a great reader. He has read my daily quotes to me and [the] rest of the family” Blessing counted; it’s definitely worth smiling about.
Sometimes, I wonder what life would’ve been like if Reka would’ve remained enlisted in the Army; at least till the completion of her obligation. I really hope that she is able to summon a job into her life; additionally, I hope that she’s able to afford daycare for her newborn. But hope is such a mystery. There was a scene on X-Men 2 about anger and faith that latched on to me today as I left with my mom to grocery shop.
Nightcrawler: Someone so beautiful should not be so angry.
Storm: Sometimes anger can help you survive.
Nightcrawler: So can faith
I paint that idea the color of intriguing because there’s some truth to what he said. Consuming faith from a possibility does yield a desirable fruit, at times. Is this wave of experience all a test of faith? The religionist would easily say yes. And I’m inclined to concur. I’m just so eager to get back to the point where I was reading books and philosophizing about life with my head in the clouds, and my third eye extending towards the universe. Instead, my focus is on wrestling with these daily strongholds. I had space to do that with all the financial weights being lifted. I’m not complaining, but it’s definitely not exciting period.
Today, my mother, Donte, and I journeyed to Talecris Plasma Center in Albany in an attempt to make a little money. I guess it would’ve been more convenient to call first, and gain some intel on the status of the institution. We arrived around noon only to leave as soon as we walked in. The place was smothered with stoic faces whom were eager to exchange their life-force for money. For some, this was a legit part-time job. However, the trip wasn’t born in vanity. Mom salvaged our efforts by suggesting a visit to Patrick’s house to show a little love. It was a warm visit, and it compensated for the feeling of being unaccomplished. We spoke about a lot, and even joked about my mother dating a white guy; yet in the fabric of seriousness, I advised her that she needs to consider the pond she is fishing in. Personally, as much as I admire the women here in the south, I’ve rarely come across any that really grasp my attention for marriage. Yes, there is some hint of generalization in this statement, but it’s based on personal experience. What I have learned about prejudice is that instead of me getting upset about someone’s prejudice, it’s more profitable to be the difference and allow the effects to alter it. For now, mom and I have agreed to yield safe friendships while in this pond…..
…it’s good to know that we’re saving for the same flight into other ponds though…
Kita and the nephews also voyaged from the house today with Titi. It seems that their support system is profitable. Kita is becoming a little more organized, and she’s learning a lot from her sister. It’s great to see these young women nourishing and educating each other during these struggles. For the Capitalist, life is a race. Who will seize the opportunity first? For the consumer, life is a marathon. How much stamina do you have? Jaiden is developing fairly well, and Amari is also despite his physical limitations. I’ve really summoned some patience with Jaiden. At times I tend to relapse, but I balance myself as I recall that he’s still learning, and repetition harvests results. He seems to be enjoying the toys that I bought him (thanks to Comfort, who supplied me the funds – what a woman!). And I’ve noticed that he’s been crying A LOT LESS these past few weeks. I guess all of that time spent with him is really effective. Getting him these toys really boosted his spirits too. He’s been speaking better, and displaying his intelligence significantly. Aside from that, I think it’s a terribly wonderful thing that he still reserves faith in his father. The family preserves his innocence ignorantly by allowing him to perceive his father in a heroic hue. I don’t know who’s more fortunate, Jaiden, or his father; because his father surely doesn’t know how much his son truly admires him. I can’t camouflage my feelings of being touched by his love for his father. He doesn’t know of the demons that shackle his father in servitude. And right now, adding that ingredient to this young one’s perception…..is irrelevant.
My introductory class has been streaming along smoothly, and there’s no need for me to elaborate. The first entrée will approach in a couple of weeks. And my fast from Facebook has been successful as I realize how much it has affected my focus and my mannerisms now that I’m living without it. And I’ve been writing more lyrics lately too. My TranscenDance mixtape didn’t receive the marketing attention that I wished for it. I’m working on another project just because. There’s going to be few expectations for this one, and it definitely won’t be for everyone to listen to. And really, I don’t give a fuck.
Although I broke the handle on the bathroom sink, I did enjoy movie time with my mom and my brother Monte (for the 30 minutes that he stayed) as we were sucked into Pains and Gains. It was an effective medicine to dissolve the symptoms of worry and anxiety even for a short while. And as the movie ended, the symptoms began surfacing slowly as reality settled into my conscience. Above all, I’m still waiting on a response for this truck driving path. It’s becoming intolerable to be here in this experience, knowing that there’s more beyond this veil.
But I say things like this when I’m sweltering in my emotions….and this is why I stay in my shell. Saying how I feel can be an irrational event…(shrugs)….and in my stride for better days, Hip Hop carried me to the words below…..she is one that hardly ever disappoints. So reliable. So trustworthy. It’s no wonder why I married her….the things she makes me say…. (sighs)
Showered in the sunshine, dried off in the shade
Spring gave birth to a hot summer day
…..Fresh air, long walk, short stride
Exercise my body as I calm my mind
Yea, peace in, peace out
Increase the hope, decrease the doubt
The aroma of forgiveness in the atmosphere
…..All love, no fear
My little brother got a new day job
Politics and religion took a day off
War didn’t get Paid, so it Quit
I got a Wealth of Health and Donated a Gang of Blood to a Crip
….And I’m feeling more clever
Ever so strong, but I’m stronger than Ever
At least for today, running with me is my imagination