I know this is the first time that I’ve ever called you….and it’s more than likely going to be the last. I deactivated my Facebook account today, and I’m just going to be recluse for a little while until I feel I’m content. I’ve really been receiving the things you’ve said about me, as the weeks passed. I never really spoke up about them; I just left them as they were. The biggest thing that you spoke about is how I internalize things. That was one thing I didn’t like. But, regardless if I liked it or not, it’s unfair for the progression of any relationship. I know I was stale, unresponsive and stubborn on Friday. I came along the trip with the intent of being supportive, and essentially, I wasn’t. As I reflect on it all, I realize that you were better off going with someone else. I should’ve stayed home. In my head, I was more focused on helping you get the jobs you had applied for – just trying to be supportive…logistically. Friends need emotional support too. And I was happy that you got the jobs – relieved actually, but I didn’t really show it. Instead, after you got your jobs, I felt like the mission was accomplished. So then I shifted my focus towards home to handle my own personal issues. I understood that you were with family, and that you were in a celebratory mood. And my mood wasn’t really complimentary. I understood that you were on a break from your kids, and you just wanted to soak in the joy of being free. I understand it all more now that I had the chance to really contemplate everything that happened. I could’ve done better, and I accept that. There’s a lot more that I would speak on, but for the most part, I’m calling to say that I’m going on a hiatus. I’m withdrawing before I add more poison to the chemistry. My intentions were to be supportive, and I was, in some ways. But now, I’m not in a position to help. And I didn’t wanna leave you with an open door and a room full of confusion.
This was my good-bye speech to a friend (spoken by phone, of course). After weeks of her receiving an introverted, seemingly insensitive guy who refused to acknowledge his wrongs, this is what I gave her as a going-away present. This was a good friendship. There was no physical sex involved; the dynamic was unique from my other relations with women. And that’s how I prefer each one – to be distinct from the others. We just enjoyed each other’s presence. That’s usually how it unfurls. She was slightly speechless and sorry, but she also expressed pride in me for taking such a leap outside of my character. Finally, some emotional content with depth; but only to remove myself from the scenes. I just couldn’t cope with being around her after this level of vulnerability. Plus, I really do need to focus inward with my internal cleanse. But, I’m glad that I talked to my mom about my behavior with women. I was able to see things from a different perspective which afforded me the words to open these blinds and allow the light to shine through.
It stung a little when she replied via text message: Truth is: I don’t want to leave without saying [that] these past few weeks, you have shown me a friendship [that] I have never experienced with a man. When I’m nervous, you calm me. When I get too excited, you bring me back down to Earth with your kind spirit. Honestly, you made more checks on my list than any guy I have been friends with. I guess what I’m trying to say is [that] I don’t want to leave before I can tell you how special you are to me. I can’t wipe these tears fast enough. I love you, and I wish you the best; because you deserve nothing but the best.
Why is it that the song “Someone like you” by Adele is cued in the background of my conscience?
……. I guess that’s how she feels.
This isn’t the first time a woman has expressed this temperature of sorrow to me. It could be said that I’m a playa; but am I trying to be? Do I ask for these experiences subconsciously? My intentions are always in the name of love. But the deepness seems to be consequent with sorrow as it chaperones emptiness when I leave. When I empathize with the people I’ve impacted, I sense the void that I’ve left. For someone to be so capable of loving to the extremes that I have, and then exit so unexpectedly, that invokes fear. I always find myself saying “she deserves better than what I’m offering”. Even my mom agrees that although my intentions are good, there’s better. I am holding back. I am holding on to something….or maybe that should be plural. (shrugs) It’s not as if I am careless about others; and yes I am a bit critical of self. If I’m seeking to be my own version of greatness, then I should be.
I just remember thinking to myself that I wish I could meet someone like me….and now, who I think I am is not worthy of being met. There’s better; and I will be better. No matter how amazing a person may perceive John, they’re only looking at one side of the diamond. By portraying myself in this light, it just heightens the gravity. They want more than what I’m willing to give. How will I feel when I meet the one who refuses to surrender the love that I deserve?
I’ll keep that rhetorical for now…..but I have an educated guess