A Universe expressed through a Window of Experience

A Short Bridge into my Soul


As I polish up my palm reading abilities, I learn more about myself and human nature. I further my studies by bridging the valley of psychology with palmistry as a means to deepen my comprehension on both subjects. Today, my mind’s grasp of this art is tighter than M.Bison’s Fist as it charges up for a Psycho Crusher.

My left and right palms holster some similarities, yet they also mirror some distinctions in personality. Why is this relevant? Well, one palm echoes the essence of your inner child while the other sketches the blueprint of our developments. One palm is a personality with whom our lifelong intimate family, friends, and lovers are the most familiar. Usually, the webs of experiences act as layers to this core personality and form our conscious selves. This conditioned self is an actor for the public stage while the former self rests in the deep, dark core behind a thick and colorful mask. The developed self is how we wish to be perceived; hence, the wall-like layers constructed around our inner child are self-created. So, how do we know which palm reflects the inner child? Well, the active self (the developed personality) will be the hand that you condition yourself to use the most. This hand is used as a means to protect and preserve the passive self (the inner child). One alibi is that both hands reflect each other, and that the inner child remains active. And I know some people are ambidextrous; so, in those cases, the stiffest thumb is the active self. (Pull the thumb back from the index finger towards the wrist as a measure)

My active self is a mirror of introversion, self-centeredness, stubbornness, focus, privacy, and autonomy. I seemingly operate better when alone. And with an attraction for personal space, I don’t appreciate authoritative types – people telling me how to live. When I’m conflicted within myself, I close the world out, and crawl into my fortress of solitude. I’ve received a lot of complaints about this from friends. One moment I’m warm and expressive, and then unexpectedly, I’m withdrawn, cold, silent, observant, and irritable. Yet on the cooler side of the pillow, I’m inventive at the consequence of perfectionism. While submerged in my space, I’m always creating, preparing and perfecting to share something; I just limit a lot of what I share, and I’m picky about how my inner world is ordered. Some women have wondered: how do you think women will respond to this? You know we’re expressive creatures. We love to talk!! And I manage by telling them that I need time to myself to figure things out. So usually, when I’m in a pitfall, I resurface with a warm heart filled with joviality. So with that observation, it’s concluded that John likes to handle his personal problems on his own. But, sometimes…the smiling and enthusiasm is a cover-up to buy me some more alone time. All the more reason to avoid intimate relationships, it seems.

My inner child is extroverted, charming, passionate, sensitive, charismatic, extreme, instinctive, and optimistic. He’s a natural born leader that’s always active in something that’s life changing. He’s a magnificent dreamer with a fiery disposition; not the type with anger issues, but one of ambition. “I can do anything”- type of attitude meets “talk to everyone, and don’t let anyone bring you down”. We’re talking about a thrill-seeker that charters the mission of preserving his inner fire through the spirit of competition. This guy is hardly ever cold; pulsating with human warmth while psychically and emotionally expressive. He’s bouncy with humor and zeal, but his fire can be doused, as sometimes he’s so idealistic to the point of being blinded from realism. Those who’ve met John prior to his enlistment in the armed forces have experienced this inner child.

Now before you go charging the US Army with murder, there are a lot of experiences that contributed to the creation of the active persona. I’m still saddled with the weight of their energies. And as mentioned, I’m unearthing this knowledge (more like blockage), and calling them to the witness stand for questioning. The JROTC and the military-mindedness provided me with structure and discipline that I lacked.

The flexibility of my hands makes the impression of my noncommittal attitude. Think of it as A.D.D…. a testimony of promiscuity in terms of focus. I’m easily distracted and I’m very inconsistent at times. In line with this, I don’t possess the desire to share my all with one person. I like to distribute to different springs of love, whether it’s intellectually, artistically, sexually, emotionally, and/or spiritually. One person having everything is unfathomable to me right now. The reality of having only one soul to pour into doesn’t excite me. And as I recollect the characteristics of this peculiar hermit, whom is currently typing, I understand why I’m shy of excitability for that una mujer especial. This hermit would no longer have a fortress of solitude, and he would lose his identity. His individuality would expire; hence he would have no sense of self. It would be congruent to a hacker who gains access to the Pentagon’s database. Everything would be compromised. No more silent sufferings. The inner world and the outer world would be abridged. No more self-created rules. All secrets will have been dissolved into a clear solution of truths. Even as I type this, I feel my conscious self in tottering fear of its loss of life. Yes, this mask has a life; and it’s aware of the probability in losing it. I often struggle in relying on others for assistance. And like many others, I just don’t like asking for help. Either I don’t trust them….

….or I just don’t trust myself….

And after talking to my mother about this, I perceive a poisonous spring that’s been spilling into a few of my relationships. Since I have abundance, I definitely try to avoid adding more to my cup. But, there’s hypocrisy here. I’m always willing to help others, but I’m unwilling to reciprocate. People have the courage to endure me receiving and nourishing them, but I’m too controlling for them to return the love. I even noticed that I’m hardly ever the one to initiate a phone conversation. Not even a text message! It’s rare when I call anyone for anything. John always has to be self-sufficient. Independence is healthy, but this type of independence is extreme. It’s rare when I call to check up on those in my circle. I relate to people I know and love, and then after the warmth, I’m cold. There’s no consistency spouting from John. If there’s one thing that my network will say about John…it would be: “if you don’t call him, you won’t hear from him because he doesn’t call for anyone”. If my relationships depended on me initiating the conversations, I’d probably be a loner. I hardly initiate anything in my relationships. I was asked “how would you feel if others did it to you?” I can take what I dish out, believe it or not. I just don’t wanna push the limits of potency here. You see, the mask that I wear reflects a low-risk, safety prone individual; and he relates to everything in this manner. I have a lot to say, but I say it to myself in pool of silence. I may decide to share my thoughts and feelings….later on….and often, it’s to an unfitting audience. I’m very quick to be cold to someone who has inspired my inner conflict. It’s a passive meanness to some, but it’s an avoidance of conflict to me. So yea, I’m nonresponsive as a statement of: “I’m ignoring your challenge”. A love for comfort, I guess. But comforts don’t promote growth; they decay it. If someone upsets me or saddens me, I’ll isolate the emotions and thoughts, and I’ll pour them out on a Microsoft Word document before I address the stimulus. Afraid of fighting or perhaps too nonchalant? Oh, and if someone makes me happy, sometimes I’ll isolate the emotion and the thoughts, and I’ll enjoy them in solitude. John always has to have a sense of control. He doesn’t like people telling him what to do, or who he is as he filters what and who comes into his world.  His pickiness makes it difficult for people to connect; and despite his awareness of this, he refuses to change. The consequence is that he fashions mystery. He’s always emotionally clothed. So no one can fully feel who John is…..not even John. It’s no wonder why some of my female companions have always sought to stir up some emotion in me. Ugh! (Smh)…and that’s when I exit the stage quietly like “ok, now you’re bringing me outside of my character, and that’s that sh!t I don’t like. I’m playing somewhere else. Good-bye (waves)”. But it’s a misunderstanding…not just for them, but for me. She’s looking to mine for some emotional substance that I’m not willing to release. I shouldn’t penalize someone for seeking to explore the crevices of my soul. That’s what chemistry is all about – functionality. …………..(Sighs)

I’ve risked enough making this public. When people have you figured out they’re likely to use that knowledge of you to their advantage, which suggests a loss of control. I mean, you hear so many real-life dramas about how people are pawns of abuse because they invite it in their lives. There was no defense mechanism in place. So the damage done is perceived as an impediment to progress. The soul is left with some healing and a small deposit of resentment. The lesson learned becomes “be more cautious of who knows you”. So, that caution is employed as a manager of your relationships, whom has been tasked to protect you from…pain. But we forget that we are the employers of our vices. We hired them, they didn’t hire us! Thus, the harvest yields an android. We become this stale, machine-like creature who lives according to probabilities and protocols in this little room that’s too cluttered for adventure. Caution creates rules for the able-body to follow. << Love isn’t fully responsible here; fear is a shareholder in this deal. But let’s refrain from jousting condemnations – fear has had a hand in preserving human life as well. Without it, most of us would be dead before our 6th birthday. Risk-taking calls for the elements of ignorance and innocence. The unknowns give a distinct appetite to the relationship. Some would rather have not tasted at all, while others would rather have tasted in order to steer clear in the future if necessary. << that right there…is wisdom. The alternative is to taste, and vow never to taste again. Where’s the fun in that, right?

It is just so astounding how one person can ruin a lifetime worth of rich relationships. One person can color you hostile if you permit it. That person can be anyone…including yourself. And that’s why I do my best to forewarn newcomers of my behavior; not as a means of control (or maybe it is since I’m setting parameters), but as a statement of love. I want others to know what kind of water they’re getting into before they dive in it. If you’re told that the water is cold, should you really be surprised? Maybe, since the thought is never as intense as the feeling. What’s profitable about this monologue is that when I’m ready to change, I’ll know what to do. There’s a lot more dimensions of John that’s scribed in my palms; but for now, this is about as much as I can tolerate. As my wise mother advised me before….take your time, don’t rush it, son.

The enemy is self, that’s the worst kind

If kindness kills…we should commit suicide ~ J. Skywalker

2 responses

  1. First, the last two lines…LOVE that! 🙂 Second, “the unknowns give a distinct appetite to the relationship. Some would rather have not tasted at all, while others would rather have tasted in order to steer clear in the future if necessary… The alternative is to taste, and vow never to taste again.” Man! That right there spoke volumes to me! I’ll elaborate more later… But I really enjoys reading this, learning more about “both sides” of John. Well written, as always… Thank you.

    April 14, 2013 at 11:59 am

  2. Enjoyed*

    April 14, 2013 at 12:01 pm

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