A Legacy of Unconditional Love called Denise Monroe
A slight part of me is worried…not as worried as I could be, though. I’ve been in a positive mood along with uplifting, good-spirited family and friends. <<Counting my blessings. The portion of me that worries has attention on the reality that I don’t have a job; yet, I do have a purpose. Often, we become so consumed in financial ambitions and obligations that we divert from the emotional, spiritual, and psychological aspects of healthy and stable relationships. The conflict in lack of resources to provide for myself and my family settles within me. I do see that there are lessons to be learned in this sphere of experience. I’ve been giving for so long that I forgot “how” to receive; this is the fruit of imbalance – I go to extremes, sometimes. There are messages of love that I’ve even overlooked; ones that I have probably deprived myself of for a long time. Motherly love…yep, it’s almost blasphemous how you forget such a phenomenon as this. I’m not speaking about conceptualizing motherly love, but actualizing motherly love. One that’s felt rather than conceived in the mind. I’ve been giving love to my mother for so long, that I forgot how to receive love from her. But, I will say that the forgetfulness inscribes more definition to motherly love. I’ve been home since late January 2013. I’ve been spending a great deal of my residual earnings on….family; at least, more than usual. Furnishing the homes and creating memorable experiences with the children have been the peaks of my journey at the home front. A lot of money has been vested, and this is in spite of a zero-revenue generating, John Nicholson. Here is it, month #2 and the bank account is down to the last few hundred dollars. In my attempt to spend some time with the children (inspired by Patrick), I spend the last $300 to rent a car and facilitate a little food/gas. My mother is aware of situation; she helps me out.
“Eric, are you good on gas?”
I stumble with saying yes. I know she’s in a bind as much as I am. She’s spearheading financial support for the family. So, of course I’m reluctant to ask.
“Eric, it’s no problem man. Here, I’ll give my card so you can get some gas”
A small weight floated away from my center…she gave me her debit card….effortlessly. It was a familiar love, but from a different vantage point. I was thinking to myself “I just did this very same thing for my little brother recently….hmm….”
So, I’m driving back to Florida; making good time for the ETA that I communicated to my son’s mother. I drop the kids off (giving my son a nice, firm “I LOVE YOU”-hug) and I leave. My body communicates the “hunger signal”, and I’m tense. Intuition tells me “it’s ok to get a few things for the morning and something to eat for tonight”. I walk into the store. I look at the things I wanted. But….I said “no….you told her gas for the trip….let’s stick to the bare minimum”
I broke my diet out of desperation to eat….ugh…I ate gummies. And loved it….(smiles and sticks out tongue)<<<maybe bland to someone who’s not trying to maintain some discipline, but some pleasures are still worth the submission.
The point is…I could’ve listened to my intuition (which was my mom speaking to me, by the way), but I was still in the thought process of “giving to my mother”. So, I rejected her offering. In this moment, I empathize with how that must feel for a mother – rejection from her offspring. Of course, I was so submerged in my sphere of consciousness that I was unaware and disconnected of her feelings. This is who she’s always been. And here I am, making a statement that she can’t be who she is. Here I am saying “no, it’s still my turn to be this way”….blinded..
Eyes are opened now….I see you mom.
We’ve always been the team. I always supported my mother; even as a little boy. I remember carrying grocery bags for her when I was a child; this was during a time when we didn’t have a car. As short and underdeveloped as I was – I became something in order to make life easier for the both of us. I was protective of my mother, and she was protective of me. That’s what Cancer Crabs do, right? That’s one thing we’ve always agreed on; especially since we’re the same sign. We’ve always acknowledged this about each other….it’s a mother-son friendship. Of course, everyone doesn’t get to experience this type of motherly love, but I appreciate the flavor now than ever.
My mother has always been a behind-the-scenes type of woman. Blessed are those whom are chosen to receive the love this woman emotes. I lived the perfect day because of this woman; I even thought that Mother’s Day was today (laughs). The sun exuded it’s brilliance amongst blue skies and lightly accented clouds. I received a real good physical fitness workout (inspired by my mother), and she helped me to return the rental car. We had a refreshing conversation too; we talked about….family. I vented about my recent discovered feelings and questions of my father, and she helped me to develop an approach. She reminded me of her degree of trustworthiness. She fashions it proudly…as I. On our ride, she reproved to me that no matter how old her children are…she can still provide for her family….and then some. There are 7 of us in one house, currently. The electricity is surging day and night. From experience, I know the light bill is high. And yet today, she pays the light bill – in the moment, my mental light bulb was off, add my distraction of a text message; so yes, I was numb to the reality. Yet the fact remains: she performs the faintly impossible. Then, we journey to Rent-A-Center to pay a bill for someone else: a friend of hers. Now I’m thinking to myself “she COULD have taken that money for herself, and just left ol’ buddy in debt (her friend moved to another state).”….but that’s not in her character. It never has been. She even told me the story how of how she paid the debt of my brother’s girlfriend. She furthers the story saying how Budd (my brother) give her a wad of money, and explains that the money is from our brother’s girlfriend. He’s like “woman just spend the money!! It’s for you”. He didn’t mention that it was repayment for the debt. My mother was thinking: “ohh weeee…it would be nice to have this money to pay for the rent” << Appreciation for the smaller things. So, she attempts to contact my brother’s girlfriend to inquire about the purpose she gave her the money. When finally reaching my brother, he says “oh, the money? It’s for you…for when you paid the loan off”. She was flooded with joy, as she exclaimed. She didn’t even expect repayment; she just felt the impulse to love. I know that feeling, very well: it’s an often forgotten love. It’s unconditional love; the type that sponsors the loss of self-sightedness. But then it finds you….when you least expect it. My mother and I share in that love. And today, I was reminded in so many ways. She loved me with intense purpose. She made it so that I couldn’t dodge her gifts too (chuckles). I asked without even saying a word – she just knew…through observation. She knew through intuition and instincts. She empathized, even when I was silent in asking. <<< That requires a lot of sensitivity. << And ironically I’ve inherited that gift from her. There were numerous times where I would intuitively and impulsively know that my mother needs help. <<Unoriginal, yet paradoxically, it’s original by virtue.
There’s a grandiose humility that penetrates me when I recall her degree of joviality in being who she’s always been. She hugged me at the end of the day as I was on my way to the store to shop for some critical grocery items. I melted in her arms….feeling like a kid again. Just when I was shifting into a low-dimensional energy field, my mother chimes in and keeps me elevated with her healing ability. I felt revitalized throughout the day.
My mother exhibited the type of excitement that parallels passion. And that’s the point of me jotting this down…it’s to identify this high-vibrational passion; the type that leaves a trailblazing legacy. Authentically, being a mother is a career. I’m not talking about a job, which is where you do something that you’re not passionate about. This isn’t a career where you seek to become the most popular, but you seek to be the greatest at what you are. And I may not have it all, but being in the auric field of this woman, is the equivalent to the all. And that’s the best part; she gives her version of the all. << This is how passionate people live…by delivering perfection through the webs of illusion. So, in spite of the slight stresses, my mother gave me what I needed to strive forward – she shared what she had. And in the midst of my gratitude she responds:
“(smacks lips) aw, Eric…you know I gotchu”
She knows how I feel; and I know she knows how I feel. The love she gives me is one that I return. She’s like the Oracle to my Neo. And when she receives my future love, I’ll know what to expect…conceptually, but the feeling just doesn’t seem to get stale. << And there we go again with that passion, huh?
I mentioned earlier that I spent my residue earnings on family. I financed some upgrades to the home – this made mom feel more confident about her living conditions. We never really had a lot; we’ve always had enough. The excess that we’ve ever had, we always shared in order to make room for the new. We cherish with patience – that’s always been our family legacy. From helping my mother get seated into a new career (doing her resume and helping her apply online) to financing a new washer, dryer, and living room set; even scaring rodents out of her room (we had a recent pest problem). I’ve made a career out of being a loving son. I know (now) that she’s been eager to return the love to me after my healthy devotion of financial earnings and my insured car. She reminds me, just as I remind her, that no matter how independent one is, one will always need help.
…and she screamed it through a window of chained-actions.
So….I still retain some lingering worries.
I still haven’t received any responses on the job, and I’m low on currency. Child support is due this week, and I can’t pay it. My son’s mother relies on that…..what to do? As Sade said to me last night “don’t walk round with a frown, with your head in your hand…oh, no….keep looking”
So…I’ll keep on watching as the gifts keep magnetizing towards my way. There’s a reason for it all, and I’m realizing the bigger picture. I know how this chapter ends….