A Love for Conditional Love
This is such a fitting opener! Because sometimes you reunite with old friends, family, and lovers, and the buried emotions resurrect as this opener. You can see it in their eyes. You can see it in their body language. It resonates quietly in their voice, as they attempt to camouflage their vulnerability. Have you ever experienced that sort of reunion?
I wanna talk about conditional love. My last blog was about free love – now I wanna talk about love that has limits; it’s righteous because realistically, one cannot exist without the other. Each form of love is a piece of the whole, and I know
that I couldn’t know a limitless love without knowing what a limited love was. I usually try to express the former, but recently, I’ve bit from the fruit of the latter. I started my day with a prophetic note:
You have to inquire: does a person love you for who you are or the things you do/did? The things “you” do cannot exist in “your” absence. Otherwise, they originated elsewhere. Do people love the “source” of the gifts given, or the gifts given? Do you love God orthe things God does for/to you? And how do you prove your claim? The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence but it sure is supportive
A gorgeous Cancerian friend of mine (not you mom…there’s another one) blessed my post with her abundant wisdom. She said:
I’ve come to the conclusion this early in my life that people love me for the things I do or have done. They appreciate the gifts given, but fail to appreciate the source from which it comes from, the heart. I give without expectations. Man…
will almost always disappoint you because so much value is placed on material things and not the source of the giving..I love God because he loves me simply because I exist and acknowledge who he is, total opposite of man…How do I prove my claim, by loving people for who they are beneath the surface, flaws and all…It is hard to justify
a love like this to man because the things that are giving out of love can easily be given by someone with foul intentions..What I do for people can be done by someone else, with or without my existence..I never regret giving. I only regret being vulnerable enough to expect, period..(which I should btw but not based off of what I give but what
I’m worthy of)….I can always walk away from a situation knowing that what I gave was out of pure intentions..They will always be deserving of those things but not always deserving of me 🙂
I completely resonate with this….especially the bold lettering. It was refreshing. Ultimately, this brief
dialogue preceded a dialogue that I had with my ex-wife, which spurred my closing Facebook post of the day, as well:
Socrates said it so simple and brilliantly…”Those who are the hardest to love need it most”. The pain that others inflict on you is very impressionable. Their impact is not always the “footprint in the sand”. Sometimes it’s the “footprint in wet cement”. And after it hardens, it’s very difficult to soften it up, and erase what was done.
And with this foundation of trust, if there are flaws in the hardened cement, a complete reconstruction is preferred. You’d have to destroy and rebuild the foundation. It requires effort and commitment after a proposal has been made. This commitment must be out of desire, not obligation, otherwise it’s not substantial. Hardened cement can be broken, recycled, and reused as a sub-base for a new foundation. Of course, this is a difficult process. And it’s widely accepted that rebuilding “trust” (the “foundation” of all relationships) is difficult, especially for those who lack the resources and the discipline to do it. So far, my ex wife is the hardest for me to love. However, I do love her. I’ll be the most difficult with her because
I was the most vulnerable with her, and when she left me, it was the most devastating blow of abandonment. I’m not implying that she didn’t reciprocate; she provided me with a great marital experience. I’m actually proud that she
remained true to herself, instead of lying to me. But the position that she placed herself in, after our marriage, was further away from the Sun (my Heart) in my Solar System of Love. Today, she’s Pluto.
The first person to break your heart usually receives the most diluted version of pure love. And that’s being
generous! You could be feared; so conditional love is justified, and shouldn’t be judged. I don’t believe (actually I know) that isn’t right or wrong way to love, but there are many ways; hence there are many conditions of love. Love is multifaceted, right? So this infers that love can be expressed within a context; as if there’s a focus. This is a call to appreciate a portion of
the completeness of God. In our case, when someone offers you a portion of themselves, rather their complete selves, it’s a prerequisite that suggests there’s more to come. But can you appreciate the little that’s offered? How dedicated
are you to receiving impartially? We chose the dynamics of our relationships primarily to boost self preservation. I’ve always said the first law of love is to love thyself first always. And when you’re selfish, you’re sometimes “perceived” as the
antagonist because the residue of our selfishness can cause unintentional harm to others. Nina Simone expressed it simply…
“….Oh I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord! Please don’t let me be mis…understood”
I believe everyone has good intentions; they just might not be good for everybody.
In many ways than few, we’re all tolerated. Although we may not be liked, we’re potentially accepted if not
judged. Personally, I may not like certain people, or certain behaviors, or even attributes/characteristics, but, I make an effort to love without expectation. However, there are times where I love WITH an expectation. This is
conditional love. It reminds me of the numerous covenants God had with our Middle Eastern predecessors as referenced in the Torah/Bible/Quran. This type of love is circumstantial. This is the type of love that’s given based on a set
of premises – it’s essentially a contract where word serves as valid. In this, you’ve sacrificed your diamond membership card (unconditional love), for a premium or basic membership (conditional love). This type of love is difficult
to accept because we ALL feel that we’re deserving of unconditional love. The truth is that we are all deserving.
But deserving means qualified. Just because you’re qualified or worthy of something doesn’t obligate you to
receiving – we’re talking about potential. We may deserve the highest form of love in existence; however, in the absence of conditional love, it’s impossible to know what unconditional love is. It’d be like trying to see green
in an all red room…and you look like Hellboy. So, even though you “deserve” unconditional love, there’s this idea called compromise. And when you don’t accept the terms of a compromise, well…there are consequences….and rewards…….but there are consequences.
Ultimately, I’m talking about building trust in order to reach that state of unconditional love, because there is a
due process. Think of it as the means to build your credit score – in some cases, you’ll need a loan. You’ll be looking for someone to invest in you with faith that you’ll produce a profitable return for yourself and dividends for your investor. Are you reliable? Is there a sense of “security” about you? Based on what evidence? What trends/attributes
make you’re a promising investment? Of course, first time applicants usually have it easiest since it’s the beginning of the
relationship. We live in a world where word is bond. After all, the spirit of God (The Word) is perpetually made physical. Thought and word are forms of energy, that’s neither created nor destroyed. You will receive what you exert.
So as an investor (or philanthropist) never give what you aren’t willing to lose. When credibility is completely destroyed (you’ve gone bankrupt), and you’re in deeply in debt, few to none will invest in you. The solution, in this case,
is to stop asking, and start giving. Create a balance, since it’s lacking. It’s likely that your loved ones may
perceive you as a leech. It’d help if you showed them otherwise.
Now, when love is given unconditionally, no credit score is required. It doesn’t matter what you do
(bad or good), you’re guaranteed love. There’s no obligation, and no sense of control – it’s free. And what I believe (and
know) is that God loves us unconditionally. But God, simultaneously, has conditional love for us. Although this
brings a bit of complexity to our relationship, it’s fair – it warrants diversity. These are the karmic experiences, the reaping what you sow, the causes and effects, the Quid pro quos, and the Tit for Tats. We emulate this complex relationship amongst each other to facilitate the human experience. What makes loving people so difficult is when they don’t honor the conditions of love given. When they hold back, you hold back. I’m talking about the lack of discipline, respect, maturity and self control in honoring covenants/contracts/agreements/regulations/laws. This is why divorces occur, lawsuits are issued, people are fired, bankruptcies happen, debts accrue, service is terminated, death sentences are executed, countries are invaded, and grudges are held. Trust doesn’t exist so that you know everything about a person – it creates room for growth. So, you don’t have to know everything about a person, but please donate your awareness to a person’s trends/habits.
To conclude this monologue, when trust is lost, the debtor must simply replenish the trust they wish to have. Beware of the nature of your relationships. If you sense distance, then investigate. Start over – from the ground up. Destroy and rebuild. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not impossible, just difficult. When indebted to someone, offer love without expectation, and observe the results – experiment until you receive the desired results. Persistence, vulnerability, integrity, patience, kindness, and charitable ways can potentially elevate you to the top floor of your skyscraper of a relationship. Remember the wrongdoings, but do not condemn anyone for them – don’t even condemn your own. In spite of all that’s written, trusting yourself is vital. How can you trust someone, yet not trust yourself? Understand that anyone can be redeemed, but know your limits and recognize when you’re being abused on your quest for regain trust. Some people may simply be too proud and stubborn to reciprocate the very same trust that you once lost. In this case, you create the distance, and this will create a shift. And numerous shifts may occur until the balance is restored.
So…what are your thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and questions? Let’s make this about you for a little while. And don’t forget to click the share button.