N-Vision-N (Love at 1st Sight)
In the words of DMX: “Here we go again….”
At the moment, I am typing independent from my contacts….again. There is a valid reason behind this choice. Lately my eyes have been irritated by the discomfort of my contacts. I’m not sure if it’s due to my eyes being dry or if I overdosed on Visine after trying to wet my eyes with the contacts installed. I made a conscious decision this morning; before drifting into dream world, I’d sleep without my contacts, and wake up how I was born into this world….
….at least to the extent of impaired vision.
By the way, this is gonna be another long read (because I love to talk…and type, even while blinded), so this is the part where you can click the x-box or prepare yourself for 6 pages worth of monologue. (Cracks knuckles)
In the infant stages of my renewed perception of the world, I stared to recall a few repressed lessons and memories. I remembered why I used to sit so close to the TV. If my son does this, it’s a sign that I need to devise some schemes in feeding him more carrots. I started viewing my mild disability as a blessing. There’s a mixture of pain and liberation in this experience. There‘s a heavy reliance on myself, rather than the standards of the world. I was more focused on looking in, than looking without. This reflects security in self because all you truly have…is yourself. Could this be a self esteem lesson? I started brushed my teeth without relying on the mirror as a guide. I confided in the feeling of my brush stroke rather than the normal imagery of it. I looked in the mirror, and I was happier and more content with the distorted bright whiteness than the intricacy of the whiteness that I normally seek. My standard of perfection had altered instantly. There are just some days where I say “they’re not white enough” and some days I’m content with the Snow Whiteness behind my lips.
I begin my routine exercise – I try my best to get the blood circulating and my muscles stimulated. This time, I didn’t really look in the mirror as I conducted my workout. My focus shifted towards how I was feeling and what I was doing, rather than how I looked from the outside looking in as I done it. I looked in the mirror. Again, I couldn’t see the difference in how good I looked. I couldn’t say “Ugh, there’s not enough muscle definition” or “Aye, I look buff today!”
I’m a Cancer with the perfectionist tendencies of a true Virgo. I’m meticulous and methodical in more ways than one.
I select my clothing. Today, I decided to vibe with what I knew made me feel good, rather than consider what people would say about me. In this decision, I asked myself “what if someone had something to say about what you wore?” I fabricated a mental simulation of the scenario:
Judgmental Person: “Aye, um, (giggles) what were you thinking when you wore that? And do you realize that you’re wearing skinny jeans?”
John Skywalker: “Heh, and you’re point? Did I break a rule or something?”
Judgmental Person: “Well, I’m just saying, ya know…people talk. How you dress says a lot about you. I’m just trying looking out for you, ya dig?
John Skywalker: “Look, I dress how I felt like dressing today. What’s the big deal? They’re clothes! No disrespect, but if it were up to me, we’d all be naked. So be thankful that this is your world too. Otherwise, most people in this world, including you, would wish that you looked like me without any clothes on. You’d be walking around here trying to cover yourselves up. I appreciate your concern, though; but I’m aware of my actions. And I’m prepared to justify them. It’s like you got enough fear for them and me (giggles). For real, though. And besides, it’s not like they’re opinion matters anyway. It only lasts a few minutes.”
Judgmental Person: “Oooook buddy! (scoffs) Whatever”
I smile. A sense of confidence emanates from my center. There was this warm surge of energy that crept through my body. It was like a suspense-build in a horror-flick that climaxed with a jerk-like, shocking, explosion. This is one scary movie that I liked.
The voice in my head asks:
“Do you feel beautiful? Do you feel good? Is your fanaticism in looking good and beautiful more valuable than feeling good and beautiful? The experience of beauty is more than visual stimulation. The soul is beautiful; yet the flesh creates an illusion that distorts its true magnificence. Do you see now that real love is blind? I created you all with love, yet many of you do not see the depths of who you are. Many of you are in This Illusion walking in Disillusionment, trying to figure out what This-Illusion-Meant to you, rather than what love means to you. Do you see how blind you are when you can see?
Side note: I may need a massage after all of this; I feel like I’m straining my neck trying to see the words on the screen. I see them moving, as I type, but I don’t truly know what’s there. (Thinks to self: faith, Eric, faith)
I wipe my face with a Stridex pad to remove any excess oil on my face. Again, I can’t see the minute details, but I disregard them freely. I grab something to eat from the freezer; a microwaveable dish manufactured by Lean Cuisine; Sesame Stir Fry with Chicken. I went to the kitchen to defrost the contents, and I see the Filipina maid preparing to cook. I smile inside as I look at her; I recognize that my blurry vision gives much room for added beauty. For the alcoholics out there, just recap to the Drunken Master moments in the club where you saw this super-Foxy Brown-like Goddess (or Angelina Jolie replica), and you said “I’m gonna take you home, bay-bay”. The maid looked good, through the vague translucency of my eyes, although I couldn’t see her face or the intricacies of her body. We chit chatted for the duration it took for the microwave to say “lunch is served, sir” in the form of 3 beeps. As I stirred my food, I said “You look nice today” She giggled and said thank you; she followed up with “I kind of feel fat today. I’ve developed a belly since I’ve been here in Kuwait” I squinted as I looked at her….
…..Well, I can’t tell….
I left the kitchen with a smile on my face. I realized that she’s always had a very calm and beautiful spirit. I was quite attracted to that, and I felt more prone to give her a compliment based on my limited vision. And to my surprise, my meal even looked “extra good” than usual. It just makes me wonder if my naivety is what gives life such color and zest. As much as I love facts, I also value the subjectivisms of life, because I know that life is also a matter of perspective.
Let’s fast forward to work. The warm up session is complete, the blood is circulating, and I’m ready to intensify my experiment. The first challenge was to drive. Joe requested that I drive him to the Park and Ride so that he can go home. He asked if I had a Kuwaiti Driver’s license. I responded with a yes; kind of reluctant, but open minded, I stand by. Good thing he found a ride. I tried to forecast my approach, wondering how I would navigate. I believe I would’ve made an exceptional performance. My first order of business was the store some parts in the sensitive items container. Ireen was there to assist. As independent as I am, it was sort of a refreshing experience to depend on her to be my eyes and direct the placement of these parts. In my experience, I recognize the nature of my near-sightedness. It’s as if there is this invisible force field surrounding me. People can see in, but I can’t see outward into the distance. The radius of my visual clarity was about 1.5 ft. from my face. I had to gauge myself to this awareness, and rely on my other senses to help me identify the world around me. The next thought that settled in my mind, was to look for one of my Eastern co-workers. They requested my services a few days ago in purchasing some socks. Eastern employees aren’t permitted to enter the PX on base, so I went on his behalf to help him out (I do this quite often, by the way – God loves a cheerful giver, right?). I decided to meet and greet everyone up close and personally, as a means to identify who he was since…lol I couldn’t remember his name. From a distance, I relied on my voice familiarization, as well as body size, shape, and language (their posture and walk) in order to accurately identify the blurry, colorfully distorted images that drifted by. Lights seemed to have more excitement and luster than a Jan Claude Van Damme movie. I witnessed a pair of forklift tail lights explode with bright redness – it looked like two red stars were shining behind them…no….it looked like the Terminator’s face after being told he no longer has a job. He’d probably self destruct (shrugs). Anyway, the overall experience was similar to walking in an opaque dream. I shook hands and gave fist pounds as a means to get close, and initiate conversation. I conversed with a few folks, and distributed a few hugs. This is what I do when I’m social and comfortable. I abided by this technique throughout the evening and into the night. At dayshift’s work release, I attempted to identify people sequentially by voice, then body size, and then I attributed a familiar face recalling descriptions via memory. I didn’t feel lost at all; nor did I feel helpless. I listened as I heard “John” resonate in different tones, volumes, and locations from different areas within the mass wave of Eastern spirits cruising home.
What truly sucks is that I don’t have the luxury of my eagle eye view. Typing this long ass letter has opened a rusty bronze door to a great pain in the back of my neck. I haven’t conditioned myself to sit back, and chill and just rely on what I know. I’ve relied so much on the crutch of my spatial awareness. This is the product of a faithless being – I can do better, but do I reserve the discipline? It’s in attendance, but will I apply it? Throughout the duration of this experience, I found myself pit stopping with inquiry of why I choose this path (smirks). I haven’t scaled the floor too much tonight/this morning. Readjusting will require much time and persistence. I know how I am with persistence; Big Red lasts a little longer. Maybe this can help me lower my pride in my independence (shrugs). I’ve been preaching freedom as if I were Nelson Mandela on a slave ship in Amistad; maybe this is an unhealthy habit. But, of course this is all a short phase; I tend to extend my revelations to the extreme heights of Mount Kilimanjaro. They’re normally short lived. Or maybe I just return back to homeostasis. I’m quite the enthusiast for knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. I have the tendency to follow the Yellow Brick Road only to take a few interesting detours. Somehow, I always end up on the path I’m destined for at the right moment.
LOL….I’m actually starting to get a slight headache. Maybe I can adapt. Or maybe I’m being stubborn, and this is a passive form of self neglect – whatever.
So, later on that night, I had a very romantically stimulating conversation with a customer. She was a 29 yr old Ivory skinned, ecstatic, Cancerian. I just loved her spirit. She’s very social, open, sincere, and giddy. I could relate to her. So, I gave her a disclosure about my limited vision and felt the urge to hop into a deep discussion with her. I just felt the spirit to do this, and I left the conversation with the inspiration to explain my views on love at first sight. I love a woman who can talk with a sense of substance, lack of bias, tenderness, and integrity. I navigated towards this website (www.wisdomismisery.com) and made the following posting.
I believe in love at first sight; I also believe in lust at first sight. There’s a way to differentiate the two as long as you’ve been practicing “unconditional love”. And it requires lifetimes to master unconditional love especially if you have been conditioned to “think” about loving someone before you actually do it. Thinking about loving someone is like second guessing your desire to eat: “I’m hungry….or am I hungry? Do I wanna eat? Why? Does this work for us now?”
This condition is what I’d like to call “Divine Amnesia” (did a song about it actually…and a poem). Most of us have experienced the sensational pains of love and got ummm… “smart”… in a stupid way, and fabricated these rules in loving someone to protect ourselves from being hurt again. Fear of being vulnerable. Fear of pain; which then graduates to fear of death. However, we’re not afraid to say “I desire to go to heaven”. And most people have forgotten that heaven is no further away than thy own limb. Don’t have to look in a book to know that….it’s a real life experience.
Let’s take a short stride shall we…
If you can’t love a stranger prior to getting to know who they’re, you’re still loving conditionally. You haven’t quite decided to take off the training wheels on your Big Wheel (rolls eyes). The presence of fear is more evident than a Unicorn on a Goat standing in a herd of cows; the Capitalist mindset sort of sinks in. Not only do you manage your money, but you manage your love in the same manner. You also manage your trust the same way. You give on a conditional basis – not that there is anything wrong with that, but true liberation requires no rules. What hurts the most about loving someone is when you expect to be compensated for your so called “free love”. Somehow, there was an unspoken contract that echoed into the cosmos and the heavens heard, but the person who received your love loan didn’t. (shrugs)….communication is important, right?
Anyway, love at first sight is a reality to those who are truly one with the God that’s in their selves. No, not RELIGIOUS with God, but SPIRITUAL with God. The spiritual human recognizes the infinite self behind the fleshy coffin. They listen to the astronaut that’s driving the spaceship that we call the body. When you recognize love inside the core of the body, you equip yourself with the knowledge, wisdom, understanding, power and freedom to recognize yourself OUTSIDE of yourself without having to think about it.
Love at first sight, in my perspective…is recognizing a distant part of your true self. It’s like seeing a mirror reflection. This experience is beyond visual stimulation. There is an overwhelming sense of familiarity within you. It’s like déjà vu had a baby with an epiphany. There’s an extremely warm and relaxing ambiance that grows within you exponentially and instantly. Like someone switching on the light from inside out. There’s a mutual attraction between you and the object of love. Curiosity intensifies! Both eyes are locked on like Robin Hood to an Apple atop of the tallest Apple Tree. She sees you and you see her. You smile. She smiles. Not one sexual thought crosses your mind, but rather “I have to get closer to her” and her thoughts are reciprocated “I have to get closer to him”. It’s almost like a direct psychic communication link is created between you two. It’s like meeting yourself for the first time. It’s as if your life was summarized in an instant moment.
You’re sort of “choosing” to acknowledge “love” at “first sight”. It happens because you choose to allow it to happen. Love cannot be controlled, and a master of love knows this.
Lust at first sight: Well…sexual magnetism. It’s your body recognizing a visually stimulating prized possession that it can satiate its desires with. Thoughts like “oooooh I wonder how she feels? Ohhhhh I wonder what’s under those jeans? Mmmnnnn I bet she likes it from the back while lying on her stomach. Chea! Lemme smack that! Uh, lemme ride that!” You automatically feel your body parts becoming aroused with a hunger for release.
Those who don’t believe in “love at first sight”, no matter what their age, wisdom, educational level, or how arrogant they dispose themselves, have yet to remember who they truly are in relation to the universe.
I’m a 26yr old single, divorcee, and I’ve fell deeply in love once. Now, I’m trying to fall in love with myself all over again, so that I can experience love at first sight….or at least something that will bring me a step closer. No commitments….no marriages….just an experience.
I can conceptualize the gist of what love at first sight is, however, conceptualizing is only half of the battle. Most of what I know is based on romance novels, poems, romantic comedies, cartoons, imagination, spiritual reads, and of course my personal experience. I think a combination pizza of impaired vision and unconditional loving will equip me with the power tools I need to construct a house of love that’s worth duplicating. I still have much work to do. And although I’m proud of where I am today, I haven’t quite felt that inspirational big bang of a reawakening. I prophesize, that I’ll overcome my state of inertia, and flow into a momentum of love for myself and others. In the words of Sade, “I have so much to do…I have to carry on”
Infinite hours of faith + infinite hours of truth = infinite hours of perfect love
Life gets easier….I know it….I just wanna feel the easiness.