A Beserker Barrage of Inspiration
There’s been a lot of unrecorded activity in my life, and although the memories linger in my mind, I have yet to document them. I’m blessed to have an abundance of stimuli in my path. We are often so busy experiencing life that we forget to meditate and review our experiences. The submissions of my mind, body, and soul to these stimuli have created exceedingly inspirational moments to deposit into my memory bank; yep, I can’t complain. Here’s a quick summation storyboard of events:
-I’ve got 3 more tracks in line for recording, mixing, and mastering; two are en route to my possession from Black Dog Mastering Studios and Side 3 studios. The mixtape is nearing completion, and I’m considering options for mass production and marketing/advertisement. As of today, I should anticipate redeployment to my home of record – Moultrie, Ga. I have mixed feelings about this phase in my life due to the change. And it’s a blessing to be able to CHOOSE to be unemployed vs. forced due to uncompromising and uncontrollable variables; which pilots me into my next point of interest:
-I don’t have a definitive job in line, but I have been blessed with options; a lot of my co-workers are sort of curious as to why I’m so carefree about the conclusion of the contract. As cliché as it sounds, I have God. I have direction. What I prayed for is…options. I didn’t pray for a specific job, but I do have requirements. I love the fact that God listens and understands what I’m searching for. I do have a desire to go home, take care of a few relevant details, and leave a strong impression on my loved ones. I’ve been showered with images of the past and the future. I’ve prayed for these reminders, and it lets me know that I’m secure….”just keep walking, Eric”…God says. The next stop in this extensive train of thought:
-There has been a tidal wave of rumors that has been drowning 90% of the workers of CSA in an emotional Tsunami. Again, I’m so blessed to be equipped with a life vest and awesome breath control; I’m practically immune from the pestilence of worry. It’s amazing what stress and blind faith will do to the human body. It appears that so much pressure is placed on job security. It’s similar to the romance conflict in America – everyone is looking for someone to love and accept them; it’s not a pleasing sight to see people crawl in desperation for financial, emotional, or physical security. I understand it all, and their experience co-exists with mine to bring me the gift of appreciation. I shrug at this drama film of a circumstance, and remain collective and cognizant of the show.
-Speaking of shows, poetry night (at Starbucks) on Sunday was awesome! Although I staggered a bit on the 2nd verse, people were feeling the performance “The First Move”. I even noticed my reverbnation music page get a few more music plays. Nioce!! A few praises, head bops, claps, and we were all feeling the spirit that was dwelling within me; I loved it! I made a new connection and well, it was inspiring.
-And speaking of inspiring (which is the theme of this berserker barrage of words); if I remain in Kuwait (JUST FOUND THIS OUT TOO!) there is a poetry slam/fashion show in March 2011. This will be my 4th poetry slam/performance outside of my Starbucks Open Mic performance. It’s just a great pleasure being able to network with people for the sake of the arts, for the sake of love, and for the sake of creating peaceful and inspirational pools of excitement (joy). Whatever change of mindset I have…it’s paying off. My times of struggle are becoming more and more nonexistent. However, there are a few miniscule speed bumps in emotional stability (i.e. I’m not super-excited, nor am I depressed). I love the balance that I have achieved thus far. No guilt in my conscience (except for not being with my son). <<< And that is a plan in progress that I’m working on as I save more money to finance my move to California. Now flipping back a few words, what are my chances in remaining in Kuwait? Pretty high now that I received a job interview with a company called TLC (The Logistics Company). Now, although I’m thrilled at the compensation package, which is more than what I made this year (chaaaaa-chingo amigo!); this offer may conflict with my plan to go home temporarily. My ex-boss (and close friend) Darius, made a few calls (using his superior networking skills), and hits me up on yahoo messenger like: “Yo, lil bro, the job is more than yours. No worries. Just go in and answer the questions, and reference Carl Young”. Astonished and frozen in bewilderment, I inquired how he knew the interviewer. Of course, I expected his nonchalant reply “don’t worry bout dat! You got this” (smiles)…I guess it really is about who you know. Darius used to always preach that principle to me.
“Be careful how you treat others. And always keep friendly ties; you never know when you will need someone. Oh and always give back to where you came from” I understand, more than ever, that he meant that in a sense of those who are following you, and seeking elevation. We are all family.
-Ok, time for a detour. I carried and interesting conversation with Reka’s next door neighbor. I discovered a lot of information that led to some eyebrow raises and jaw drops. I discovered that my son’s mother (prior to my marriage) said that she and I were engaged during the infant stages of her pregnancy. Of course, this is a false declaration, but it made me wonder what type of fantasy land she dwelled in during our time together as friends. I guess I was too naïve to believe that she would fall for me. It’s always been difficult for me to read women; I do a decent job nowadays. Anyway, I always viewed us as sexually active friends (during the olden days). We conversed; we laughed, and hung out. We dreamed; we had fun and enjoyed our youth. She had her “pimping n!ggas” phase, and I was exploring the pleasures of being with multiple women (not simultaneously). I assume that the emotional connection stirred confusion between us. I understand that my so called “b!tch move” (leaving my son’s mother for my ex-wife, Angie) catapulted her into a deep depression; another reason why communication is vital to relationship survivability. Reka mentioned having a child before, and in the chillness of my blasé mentality I spoke “hell no, we’re not fit to be parents” (in so many words). In the heat of our sex-capades, my words must’ve gotten evicted from her conscience – was I too passive? (shrugs) I also discover from that Reka still retains feelings for me. I’m flattered, but I’m also worried. I feel that she’s living in this convoluted swirl of delusion and wishful thinking. Reka’s neighbor theorized “Reka is still in love with you. She knows you love your son, and she understands that as long as she has him, she still has an opportunity to work things out between you. She believes that you desire her to move to Moultrie so that ya’ll become a family” I find this difficult to believe, but impossible to reject as a possibility. Regardless, I do recognize that I need to be sterner with her; she’s slipping closer to the edge of the cliff, with little room between her and the boulder at her 12 o’clock – its name: negligence. She’s trying; but with limited visibility of her behavior patterns, all I have is faith. I’ve offered her the opportunity to move her out of the hood; she hasn’t accepted. However, she may be looking for an apartment. (shrugs) If she’s serious, she will inform me within the next two weeks. If not, then….(scoffs) I’ll consider her as constipated. BUT, I’ll respect her choice, and it’s through this choice that I will devise a new approach to her in my interactions. All of this is spoken and accepted in faith because today’s truth is tomorrow’s lie.
-I held a very stimulating dialogue with an Indian co-worker of mine. His name is Vince Lopez; he’s 26, and he’s very bright, loving, inviting, wise, warm, and charismatic. We discussed an issue in his romantic affairs with a Pilipino maid; she’s within his age bracket. Although they have never experienced each other physically, nor conversed face-to-face, he’s developed an emotional connection to her. His concern is with her subliminal money shots that seem to creep into their conversations like those Ninjas in Ninja Assassin. Great thing Vince is a Jedi Master, because money-hungry Filipino maids are more of a Stereotype than Sony and Pioneer (not all Filipino women are money-hungry though). Vince’s character and approach is a shared between himself and I – he loves her, but he’s not in love with her. He frowns upon loneliness, and values the company of a compassionate, intelligent, serene, woman with strong moral fiber and goals. I tried to encourage him to be patient in his romantic affairs; the single life is not a death sentence. But, you can’t tell a romantic idealist how to love. He desires change in her heart; TJ and I advised him to “protect his heart, and protect his wallet” – wise words spoken. I elaborated with “never give your heart away; keep your heart, but share your love”. Vince is conscious of this woman’s ego and her lust for monetary fulfillment. For example: He’d suggest a night out to eat (good food is a favorite pastime of his) to share a part of himself with her, yet she would decline and reconcile with a “direct deposit” to her charity fund: ahem…herself. Why? She’s supporting her family back home. It’s a justified notion, but Vince doesn’t reciprocate. He’s very intent on facilitating change in her; he’s ambitious in finding true love. Has he been brain washed from the westernized romance vids? Nah, he’s a bonafide lover. So, I snuck him a bit of dialogue to pry more information from his romantic suspect, so that he can make a decision on whether to stay or not. Vince is indeed merciful and optimistic – I value that about him. He will go far with that attitude, especially if he’s aware of the nature of people’s hearts. I recommended that he ask questions like:
“You, say you need me, but why?” and “If I was broke, would you still love me?”
The answers to these questions are ammunition reserves to facilitate the mission objective of Vince’s romantic pursuits. Overall, it felt good to be able to break bread with a similar character of different skin tone, accent, and cultural background, and speak as if it were all an illusion. LOL! Maybe it is.
Another inspiring aspect about this guy: Tami (my supervisor), tasked him to clean the company car, which is scheduled for turn in tomorrow morning. Vince cleans the car – he does an awesome job. Tami is so mesmerized and enthused at his efforts that she offers him $60. Tami loves to treat her co-workers to a bit of extra this and that pretty often. He declines the offer respectfully. His reasoning:
(In his thick Indian accent) “I cannot accept this money from her. She is my boss. I clean the car out of love for Tami. I respect her as [the] boss. Besides, God will take care of me”
!!!! Love it!!!!
-Um, let’s see, I’m still counting my blessings…. and then counting my paper thereafter (Talib Kweli quotable). It’s a great blessing to have accumulated a bit over $64K in 2010….legally, and at such a young age (just had déjà vu). The means in which I am elevating spiritually, and escalating economically reflects promise for greater heights. The dream is morphing into a reality that’s more grandiose than I imagined.
-Here’s a topic of conversation worth conversing about: I had a very intimate conversation between myself and God about “gifts”. Very often, people have this misconception that God gives us gifts so that we may use them in a manner that serves Him (this was a FB status, by the way); this statement has a hint of ambiguity. I recognized my gift for scribing, storytelling, interpreting, loving, stimulating, intellectualizing, expressing, entertaining, compromising, understanding (and much, much more) as belonging to me. Yet, I use these gifts in a manner that makes me happy. I realize that when I’m happy (joyful), I’m more productive, and more inclined to share my joy. Joy becomes infectious, and essentially, the gospel of love is expressed; or rather it is felt, seen, thought of, and heard. Joy is experienced – meaning, perfection is experienced, because that is what joy is; joy is the spiritual substance that is God whom dwells in all beings. In being joyful (as scripture advises), one is experiencing the godliness that is destined to prevail. However, the process in which it’s achieved is diluted (in my opinion). Instead of encouraging people to do what makes THEM joyful, we quote scripture as if it truly helps. A personal relationship does not require scripture quotations….it feels so formal and unnatural. I prefer someone sit down and ask me “John, what makes you joyful” (like God does often) and attempt to expound on the techniques/methods to produce this experience. God was saying:
“Eric, I give you these gifts so that you can feel what I feel for you. It’s up to you to figure out how to use these gifts in the manner which serves you best. Don’t sing because I command you to sing, but because you FEEL like singing. Sing because it makes a statement of who you are; and in the midst of your singing, believe that there are others singing with you because they understand you and know what you are feeling. Understand that using your gift for your pleasure will not only bring me pleasure, but your pleasure will vibrate throughout the cosmos to stimulate pleasure everlasting. My energy lives in you, and cannot die. It lives forevermore as you do. So! Live for yourself, and you will live for me; for you cannot live without me. We are one!!”
That conversation with Him (out of many) is one of the many reasons why I believe more in myself rather than the world outside of myself. He even prompted me to ask my bruh, James, the same question. As I was talking, I was like “I’m not gonna ask him”…and then James shows up. Of course, I look at God in amazement, chuckling – so I take the bait. James and I flowed into one of our many intimate conversations. I’m such a conversationalist (so is he), and the understandings that we had of ourselves and God….priceless. I imagine this is how the ancients used to get down back in the days. I can imagine the Greek philosophers, orators, astronomers, educators, and spiritual aspirants as they attempt to deduce and induce the mysteries of life. That’s a tradition that doesn’t seem to lose its zest – and tradition is not in my Fav 5 of things to praise.
I pray that I will be able to inspire others to wake up as I am. I pray that I am equipped for the revolution that’s coming.
So, what is the message that I’m trying to convey here? Well, although I exemplified a self centering theme, my example is one that can be applied by everyone if they do this one thing:
Pray for awareness. Pray for inspiration. Ask the Lord to heighten your awareness of His presence (inside and out of yourself) and ask God for an abundance of inspiration so that you may live joyfully, and have an abundance of joy to share. Do this daily (only takes 2 minutes if you speak with patience in your words) Trust me; you’ll have so much inspiration that you’ll DESIRE to get rid of some of it through the Art of Sharing!
So, yes….you could’ve skipped all of that tedious reading, and just read the bold. But, if you did that, then how could you appreciate the process in which I came to this conclusion? This story is the product of backwards thinking: pray for it, wait for it, experience it, and testify about it.
I testified about an experience that I had to wait for after I prayed for it. (winks)